Check out this interview with a birth mother to learn more about her journey through the adoption process, her relationship with the son she gave up for adoption, advice for other expectant and birth parents, and how she feels about her choice 16 years later.
Read More
What sparked your interest in working in adoption?
I have adopted siblings and I wanted a job in social work that was meaningful and where I could tangibly see that my work mattered.
How long have you worked with Adoptions of Wisconsin?
Seventeen years.
What is your favorite thing about your job?
I really appreciate being invited into a person’s life during a very challenging period. I especially enjoy helping expectant birth parents make a plan that they can own and is empowering to them.
What is a misconception about adoption that you wish did not exist?
Adoption is not giving up on your child. Adoption is making the best, thoughtful decision with the information that you have at the moment to plan for your child. For adoptive families, it is not a second-best way to create a family it is just a different way to create a family.
What do you think is perpetuating those misconceptions?
I think that for expectant parents considering adoption, there’s a lot of pressure to parent because “you made your own bed, now you need to sleep in it” (i.e., you got yourself pregnant, now you have to deal with the consequences). This assumes that any decision other than parenting is “the easy way out.” This is incredibly untrue. Placing a baby is hard. It takes a lot of maturity, thoughtfulness and trust. Birth parents place their child for adoption because they believe it is the right choice for their child and themselves. So many people have an opinion on this but the only opinion that truly matters is the birth parents. Women must learn to trust themselves and when this happens, anything is possible. The messaging around adoption being an empowering choice has not been the one that has been more consistently spread by society. The message is more focused on rhetoric about “giving your baby up”. This narrative is untrue and harmful.
What do you think can be done to stop those misconceptions?
If birth parents were empowered to feel good about their decision and if they spoke out about it, then people would see that it is just another choice that you make for your life and there’s less stigma around it. At the same time, birth parents are not the only ones that need to speak up. The burden should not be placed on them to change the narrative. It is important for all people to speak up whenever they hear damaging statements about adoption.
How can we empower birth parents?
We can start using language that is positive for adoption. Instead of “giving up” use “placing” and understand that this is in no way “giving up” it’s investing in the lives of the child and the birth parent(s). We can start admiring birth parents for their difficult choices and recognize that placing a child for adoption is not “selfish”. We can honor birth parents by truly acknowledging that this decision is their choice. It is not right or wrong. It is just one of the many hard decisions people are faced with.
What are other ways we can support birth moms to feel more comfortable about their decisions?
I think if we just openly talked about women’s rights and reproduction without any kind of stigma around it at all and women’s empowerment then women would feel empowered to make the best choice for themselves and their baby. Instead they are conditioned to feel shame for their choices and look to outside opinions instead of looking inside and determining what is right for them. So in my work I encourage all parents, adoptive and birth parents, to really make the choice that feels the best for them, not based on what anybody else thinks but on what they think.
What would you like to tell all birth mothers or birth parents?
That adoption is a very difficult choice, but it is a loving choice and if it is something that they choose, and if they move forward and go through with it then they can do anything.
What would you like to tell all adoptive families?
To respect the birth mom in a way that is more than just on paper. And to not be afraid of openness. A birth mom who moves forward terminating her parental rights so you can adopt her child, is not going to just show up on your doorstep one day and want to be the child’s parent. She is choosing you for this. It is in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption so don’t be scared about it.
Why is it in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption?
Because the more they know about where they came from the more they are going to grow up in a very healthy way. This includes:
Identity– Open adoption provides adopted children with the ability to answer identity questions that they may not have answers to otherwise.
May lessen a sense of abandonment – having the ability to talk to a birth parent, may help the child understand the reasons behind being place for adoption and lessen a sense of abandonment from his/her birth family.
Child will have medical history – many people who were adopted in a closed situation do not have medical information that is available to children in open adoptions.
What are other ways to respect a birth mom besides openness?
Speak positively about a birth parent no matter what the situation is. Don’t share a birth parent’s life story with everyone around you because that is their story to tell and the child’s story to tell. But be very open with the child about the birth parents’ story because it is necessary for the child to know accurately what went into the decision to place the baby for adoption. But don’t share it with all of your extended family and friends because it is not helpful, for example, for the child to find out from Cousin Jane that their mom was addicted to drugs. They should be finding that out from you or from the birth mom.
What would you like to tell all adoptees?
You have a right to know your biological history and if you are at all interested you have a right to search. You have a right to ask your adoptive parents about your birth history and don’t be afraid to ask about it.
What does it mean to use positive adoption language?
Positive adoption language talks positively about adoption. It talks about placement rather than giving up. It takes the word adopted out and instead of natural baby and adopted baby it is just your baby.
What do you think makes this agency an ethical adoption agency?
I think this agency is a great adoption agency because we are very inclusive. We serve all sorts of families. We provide excellent counseling to both expectant parents and adoptive parents. We care about your family both expected and adopted. We are small so we can respond to questions and inquiries quickly and we are very hands-on with our expectant parents.
What is the agency working on doing better to support people?
We are working on figuring out how to better support adoptive parents when they are waiting through waiting families’ groups and just information that we give out or checking in periodically. For birth parents or expectant parents we are constantly looking for resources to connect with as far as peer support and other positive adoption support and we also are very supportive of an expectant parent choosing to parent and we will connect that person with whatever resources might be helpful in her parenting plan.
What is your favorite thing about working at Adoptions of Wisconsin agency?
It is small and we are very caring women. We are a woman run agency that is local and is empowering for women.
When did you go through the adoption process?
I was actually adopted so I grew up with a lot of exposure to adoption and my family was very open about it. It was never something that we didn’t talk about. My brother was adopted too. I found out I was pregnant in 2019 when I was 17. I freaked out and set a timer on my phone for 2 hours. I was like I will give myself 2 hours to cry and then I’ll figure out what to do.
Later that night, I started thinking about different options, and I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website. I was looking through all of the waiting family pictures, and I found Dave* and Stacy’s* profile, and right away I was like oh my gosh, these are the parents. There was no hesitation, I just knew that they were the family I wanted to choose after seeing their profile and how active they were and how similar their lifestyle was to mine, and all of these super cool things that they had included. I also noticed that they posted that they didn’t have any concerns about the appearance of the child or skin color and that was super cool to have that pointed out because my parents are both white and I am African American and Puerto Rican. It was cool to see that no matter what color this child turns out it will work out.
So I went through the process when I was 17, I gave birth when I was 18. It was tricky. It was a challenge as a 17-year-old. I wanted to be in a bikini on a beach and be out doing 17-year-old things, but I committed to this decision. I actually met Dave and Stacy in-person early. I know that typically they wait until 20 weeks just because that’s the period of time in which they can confirm the viability of the pregnancy, but I met them early. I called Claire and was like hey, you know, here’s who I am, here’s what’s going on and I know that these are the parents. So we reached out early and they were there throughout the entire pregnancy. They came to all my appointments and made me little gift baskets. It was the most supportive, awesome relationship that I could have asked for.
What was it like when you first found out you were pregnant? How did you feel?
It was world-stopping. It was horrible and scary. It was the most oh crap moment I have ever had. I am a paramedic and the way we go about things in the EMS world is to jump into crisis management mode. So after my 2-hour timer, I was like okay it’s time to figure this out. Like 2 ½ hours after finding out I was pregnant, I came across AOW’s page and I thought it was perfect.
Once I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website the first thing that I looked at was waiting families. I knew the process, so I wanted to see what my options were. I remember looking at the other families and I almost felt sad that I wasn’t able to help them create a family too. I knew that it was the biggest gift I could give someone, to help them start a family, just like I was given parents by my birth mom. I was given the best parents that I could ask for, so it was so cool to do that for a family. But it made me feel sad for the other people that were waiting. I know that adoption is a process and some people wait for years. In the end, it was nice to know that I felt like I was making the right decision and I didn’t have to meet multiple families and pick between them. So that was awesome. But I also wished I could do it for other families too.
Why did you choose adoption?
I didn’t think that it was the right time for me to be a mom. Especially because I was in school. It didn’t align in my life and I knew I wouldn’t be a successful mom. I knew that he deserved more than I would be able to do for him. That was a huge factor. When I looked at the profiles of the adoptive families and saw what they would be able to offer the baby I knew that they could offer more than I could as a 17-year-old. My family was supportive, but there wouldn’t have been a good father so I would be doing it all alone which would have been horrible.
I still think about my decision to place him for adoption and I always will. It wasn’t hard for me to decide at the moment because I knew I wouldn’t be capable. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to raise a baby successfully was disappointing and I was ashamed of it. I knew people in my high school who were 15 and parented a baby and I would compare their situations with mine. Feeling like I wasn’t capable of being a mom was excruciating but then looking at it now it’s like yeah, I couldn’t parent, but these beautiful, lovely people are doing leaps and bounds further than I would have imagined they would, so that feels really good.
What was the experience meeting the adoptive parents like?
My mom came with me and she was like I want you to not be too enthusiastic in case it doesn’t work out. I walked into the agency and I saw them walking into the parking lot. Dave was so nervous. It was the sweetest thing. He was so nervous he was shaking. Stacy was shaking too. We sat down in the room and started talking. My mom had me write down a list of questions to ask them and so I started asking them questions and as I was talking to them more and more, I was like oh my gosh this is awesome. I remember at the end I told them that I wanted them to be the parents of the baby. That was the best feeling in the world, just being able to say that to them. I remember Dave started crying.
It was also helpful for me because I was 17, I had no interest in being pregnant, and once I was able to say to them that I wanted the baby to be their child I was able to view my pregnancy as me helping start a family. That ended up being how I got through the pregnancy. I had a ton of complications which was super scary. There were multiple times when my doctor thought that my pregnancy may not have been a good choice for me. But knowing that Stacy and Dave were the finish line sealed the deal for me and helped me get through the hard times.
How did your relationship with them change over the course of when you first met them, throughout your pregnancy, and to now?
Our relationship was awesome. From the start, our personalities meshed well. I think this was super important. As a birth mother, you need to be able to feel comfortable and confident around the parents that you chose to raise the child that you’re going to give birth to. That was very important to me. We were able to joke around and it was super fun. It was very respectful at first because I think that they were trying to figure out my boundaries and I was trying to figure out theirs. But I told them that they could come to any appointments that they wanted to. They came to every single one. Even blood work appointments. It even got to the point that they knew what kind of candy I liked like they would know I was craving something and give it to me. They also sent text messages checking in on how I was doing and asking if there was anything that they could do for me and letting me know that they hoped I was doing well. Our relationship slowly grew and grew and grew. By the end of my pregnancy, Dave and I were taking unofficial maternity photos together. Dave pushed out his stomach really far and then we’d take a picture together. It is my favorite picture, he’s standing with his back arched and his tummy out, it’s great.
The birthing process went well. I knew that these were Charlie’s* parents, so I wanted them to do skin-to-skin, be the first people to hold him, the first to feed him, and I wanted Charlie to go into their room. The other side of it is that it helped me somewhat disassociate from the pregnancy because I knew I wasn’t at all responsible after birth which was helpful for me. I knew that this child would have an emotional connection with these parents and have the best parents that I could ask for. So that also helped me not have as many negative feelings when I gave birth to him. There were also scary parts of the birth like Charlie had to have 911 NICU called for him because he was stunned when he came out. He wasn’t breathing or responding right away. That was terrifying for all of us. It felt like everything was slow motion and horrible and scary. The best part was seeing Dave hold him for the first time. It was the most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced, seeing him hold his son for the first time and seeing Stacy holding him and realizing that now they finally have their son.
They were very open and accepting of the idea of closed or open adoption. They told me they wanted to work with me, and they understood that it was a big gift that I was giving them. They wanted to respect what I wanted. Personally, I wanted to move on. Now we have a Google Drive where Stacy posts photos and it’s nice because I can turn my notifications off and just see it whenever I want to. She posts photos like every week, there are so many photos and it’s awesome. It’s sort of as needed as wanted.
Were there any negative feelings that you experienced after the baby’s birth?
I felt very angry. I felt upset that my body was acting like I just had a baby but there was no baby. That was very frustrating to me because I very adamantly wanted to give birth and move on. Having my body think there was a baby and act like there was felt very frustrating and emotional to me and that created sadness. Even now that is something that I struggle with. Like I obviously have had a baby and you can physically see that on my body which is frustrating to me. It can be hard. It’s a constant reminder that I had a baby and made an adoption plan.
I don’t think I ever felt sad or regretful about having made the adoption plan. There are many times when I will be in life and be like wow if I had my kid, he would be two now, I wouldn’t be able to be finishing college the way that I am, I wouldn’t be able to be traveling the way that I am. Knowing that he is in such a good place, I know that I wouldn’t have been a better parent. So I don’t really have sadness about making an adoption plan it’s more of the aftermath of going through something and then not having anything at the finish line. There was no trophy or award.
I actually planned a birth mother dinner and I did a lot of fundraising for birth moms to come and get pampered for a night. It was awesome. I had a massage person come, it was catered, and we did arts and crafts and shared our stories. It was a very healing environment and it was rewarding. It was a time and place where we didn’t feel guilty about saying that we were upset or sad. Being in a room of women and men, we had birth fathers too, that had experienced the same thing, it was awesome. I’m hoping to do it again.
Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?
My mom. She went through it with me. She came to all my appointments with me and scheduled appointments for me. She adjusted my work uniform for me so that I could wear it comfortably. She was the one who was in bed with me when I was crying at 2 am. My dad was the one running to the store at 2 am when I needed something. They were extremely supportive and lovely. My brother also. He was the first person I told that I was pregnant. He was extremely supportive and very light-hearted, and it meant so much to me that he was so accepting of my situation. There was no judgment from him at all. He was good at making jokes about the situation. It was great. I also had some support from my church.
Dave and Stacy were supportive too. But my main support system was my family. Just because we had different goals. Dave and Stacy’s goal was to adopt a baby and mine was to be healthy and take care of myself. Knowing that there was a difference in our goals was important for me. It is so important to have that support group of people in your corner that have your best interest as their primary goal.
Would you say that there was anyone in your life who didn’t support you during that time?
The father. He was horrible.
How did you get through that?
Claire was awesome. I had brought it up to her right away. Claire took care of it. She said she would be in contact with him and I didn’t even have to worry about it, and that I didn’t have to see him. Having Claire be the buffer between that was awesome. I felt like the entire agency was there for me. As much as their job is to pair birth mothers with adoptive parents, it felt like it was all about me. That was very clear to me from the beginning that everything was my choice. The adoption agency’s goal was to take care of birth moms and help birth moms and ensure that birth moms match with fitting adoptive parents. I know this is my side of it and I’m sure adoptive parents might have something different to say, but for me, it felt like the entire agency was in my corner. They helped me ensure that everything would be productive, and they supplied the information that I needed to make the choice to make an adoption plan. They made it so easy. Like Claire would come to my house and be like “hey sign this”, “this is what it means”, and would bring me coffee and then say “see you later!” It was awesome.
How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?
It was interesting to come full circle. It helped me as an adopted child understand why I was adopted. Every adopted child has that question, but I think that it helped me understand that it wasn’t at all that nobody wanted me. My birth mom just wasn’t ready to be a mom. I actually have been able to talk to some friends’ kids who are adopted and tell them from the experience of a birth mother that they were 100% loved. They loved you enough to make the right choice for you and to take care of you in a way that is extremely hard. It is the hardest choice a birth mother can make. As I like to say, they loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing.
I think it also just helped me realize that adoption can be casual. It doesn’t have to be scary or secret or something that we just don’t talk about. It doesn’t have to be something that you’re ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be anything that you feel uncomfortable with. That is something that I have recently grown into. When I was pregnant, I didn’t want anyone to know. But now that I am moving on in life, I have an awesome boyfriend who is super cool and fantastic and obviously, my experience with adoption is something we have to talk about and it’s just casual. It’s just part of my life and part of my story.
What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?
Seeing Dave hold Charlie was the biggest reward for me. It was literally watching a family be created. It was second by second watching a parent fall in love with a baby. It felt really good and obviously it was hard but once I was done, I was like I did that!
Also, I wasn’t forgotten by anyone which felt really good. When I was done giving birth, I was like I guess I’m not going to be able to talk to Claire anymore. But that was not the case at all. Claire still texts me and still checks in on me and even has asked me to speak to other birth moms about my story and offer support. I created a family through Adoptions of Wisconsin that I still have, and they are still people that three years later I know I can count on. If I need to talk to anyone about my feelings, they are 100% there to support me. Even three years later they let me know that they have a support group or a counselor. Claire has reached out multiple times and offered to get coffee with me. That has been really cool, to have that continued familial support from the agency.
Birth Mother’s Day is coming up. What do you want all birth mothers to know on this day?
I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they’re allowed to not celebrate it. They are allowed to make boundaries. They are allowed to let people know that they don’t have to partake in Birth Mother’s Day because that can reopen a wound. I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they can celebrate it however they need to. If that is a bad day for them then it is allowed to be a bad day. I also think it is an important day to reflect and look back at what you did and be proud and feel your emotions and do things like go and get your nails done and take care of yourself. It is a good day to remind you to look into your emotions, whether good or bad, and to take care of them.
If you could tell all birth mothers something what would you tell them?
The number one thing I would want all birth mothers to know is that their decision needs to be their choice, they need to know that they are in charge and they call the shots. I would tell them it’s your show, you’re the star of it, ask for what you need, don’t be quiet about your needs or ashamed about them, and make sure to take care of yourself.
Also, for birth moms that place through Adoptions of Wisconsin, AOW will always be there. They will always be a resource. In general, to other birth mothers, I would tell them to use the resources of whatever agency they place through. I know that Adoptions of Wisconsin is a special and rare agency. I have heard a lot of stories and done research and I personally haven’t heard of any other agencies that will answer your calls at 2 am when you’re crying and just need to talk to somebody. Every single case worker was awesome. Knowing that they are in it for the same reasons that you are is awesome.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
I want people to know that every story is different and that it is so important to respect people’s stories and respect boundaries. I think it is best to ask questions because that is better than being quiet and making assumptions. At the same time, different birth mothers have different levels of openness about their experience and their boundaries need to be respected.
Adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents are part of a special and cherished adoption community. I think everybody knows someone who is adopted or has experienced encountering someone whose been on either side of the process, even if they don’t know it. I think it’s important to understand that every story is different. And adoption creates families! I think a lot of people don’t think of it because many people are able to give birth to their own children and so I think people often forget that it is even a choice. I think that it should be a little more normalized than it is. People can be very hush-hush about it.
What are three words you would use to describe your experience with adoption?
Tender, emotional, and proud.
*Adoptive parents and baby’s name have been changed.
Katy, Peter, and Grace
What was it like waiting for a placement?
Peter: Not fun!
Katy: It felt like it took forever. We were listed for about two years. Claire had told us that was longer than normal.
Peter: We also got put on the site and registered just as COVID hit. Like a month or two before.
Katy: Yeah, our profile was posted on the website in February of 2020.
What was your mindset like during the wait?
Peter: I believed that we would get matched eventually and understood that it was due to the pandemic that we were waiting so long. We were just starting to switch to going with a national agency because it had been two years and we had only gotten three potential hits.
Katy: For the three, we had met with one birth mother and she picked another couple. Then we were contacted about a baby who was sick, and it became apparent that the baby would be too sick for us to handle. We both thought that that baby deserved somebody who could give that baby the best life possible, and that was not us. Then there was another situation where another couple got picked over us. I was super discouraged.
Peter: We were in the process of going with a national agency when we got a call from AOW about a new potential placement. We were going to the Home Expo show. Katy took the call when I was getting our tickets and when I came back, she was crying.
What would you say was the hardest part of the adoption process if you could point to one thing?
Katy: Waiting, for me. Because we had started trying to have a kid almost seven years ago at this point. So emotionally for me, it wasn’t just that we had been waiting to get matched for two years, it was years of it building up.
Peter: Also, not knowing if we were waiting so long because there were not many birth moms or if we were passed over.
Katy: Like did people just not like us? Those are all the places that your head starts to go to.
What was it like being told that an expectant mother wanted to meet you?
Katy: For me my first impulse was “Oh god is she going to like us? Are we going to get picked?”
Peter: I was not as nervous as Katy because with Torie they told us ahead of time that she liked us. The first time we met a birth mom I was pretty nervous.
Katy: With that first time, part of it was that we never met or talked with a birth mom before so we had no idea how it would go.
What was it like meeting Torie for the first time?
Katy: Claire had sent us an email saying that there was a potential match and gave us the information. Then later, in January, we got a phone call saying that Torie wanted to meet us.
Peter: We had three months to prepare for an incoming baby! The first time we met her was in the Adoptions of Wisconsin office.
Katy: Claire and Lea were there. I was nervous. I was afraid that we were going to meet her and get told no again.
Peter: For me, I was less nervous than when we met with the first birth mom back in 2020 because we had been told that Torie felt drawn to our profile so it seemed like it wasn’t as much that she was choosing between many families but more so seeing if we checked out. Seeing Katy and Torie become so friendly so fast was also a big relief.
Katy: We thought about what we wanted to ask her during the meeting beforehand. Peter kept track of that, and I was just nervous!
After meeting her when did she tell you that she wanted you two to be the parents?
Katy: She kind of told us in that meeting. We didn’t say yes when Torie was in the room during the meeting. Peter and I, it doesn’t matter what kind of decision it is, but we talk to each other privately before we say yes to anything. We basically just looked at each other and went “yes!” Being told that Tori wanted us to parent felt absolutely amazing after waiting for so long.
Peter: And a bit terrifying since it was three months until she was due!
What was it like after Torie told you both that she wanted you to parent and until Grace was born?
Katy: It started out that we would take Torie to her prenatal appointments. In the course of going to these appointments with her, we started to just talk in a more relaxed way instead of being so formal and we got really comfortable with her.
Peter: We visited her family, and she came over to our house and talked with my parents over a phone call, since they live in Florida, and she met Katy’s parents who immediately showed her all the pictures of all of our extended family.
Katy: We also met with Torie’s three boys and her mom and dad. We basically took the time to get to know each other.
How did you decide what kind of adoption plan you wanted?
Peter: We had previously talked about how we wanted a birth mother to have a relationship with us similarly to if they were just like a grandparent. Like they could see the child as often as a grandparent would if they wanted to.
Katy: Like if Torie wants to come and visit Grace and if one of us isn’t absurdly busy, then yes! So after we took Grace home from the hospital Torie would stop by once a week and she would bring breast milk that she had been pumping and hold Grace and get to spend some time with her. That doesn’t happen as often now and part of that is because we are in the less intense baby phase. Torie is now back to work, spending time with her boys, and has now healed physically from giving birth. But Torie and I still talk often, we were just texting this weekend.
Peter: We have an App called Family Album where we share photos of Grace so Torie and all of our extended family can see it.
Katy: Even before we met Torie, we had wanted an adoption with at least some degree of openness. One of Peter’s younger cousins is adopted and has an open adoption plan. Now she is in her 20s and she will go on vacation with her biological sister even though they didn’t grow up in the same house. She still gets to have that relationship with her biological sister which I thought was really important. We have also heard stories about closed adoptions being hard for adoptees because they have so many questions. Even though we were hoping for an open adoption, we were willing to be matched with a birth mom who didn’t want that. What we have with Torie is just fantastic. It is so amazing. We also know that our adoption plan is flexible. If things change in the future like if someone moves or something, we still plan to stay in touch.
Peter: After Grace’s birth her biological brothers came by with Torie to visit.
Katy: At first, they were really shy but then they got comfortable and had lots of fun playing with Peter! Our relationship with Torie has just worked out to be so fantastic. It’s just beautiful.
What was it like meeting Grace for the very first time?
Katy: It was fantastic! And not exactly the way we planned because Grace had her own ideas.
Peter: The doctor was about to give Torie the epidural and then Grace decided to appear right then.
Katy: The original plan was that when the doctors told Torie it was time to push, I would come into the room and be there when Grace was actually born. After they check to make sure everything was okay with Torie and the baby, then Peter would get to come in and cut the cord. Well, Grace did not do any of that according to plan. But it was absolutely magical to get to hold her for the first time. It just felt right. Peter did get to come in the room after they made sure Torie and Grace were okay. The doctors had to cut the cord first for medical reasons, but there was still a tail, so Peter got to trim it. Then when they did the footprints, we had a canvass as well and got her footprints put on there. Then when her biological brothers came over to meet her, we put their thumbprints on the canvas with their names, so she’ll have that too.
Do you have any advice that you’d give waiting families?
Katy: Waiting was incredibly, incredibly difficult. But if we would have gotten matched before we wouldn’t have the amazing relationship that we have with Torie now.
Peter: You have to be willing to take risks and put yourself out there. Be willing to be flexible with what your idealized adoption plan is.
Katy: And realize that you can’t control everything. In adoption, or parenting in general, you build up an idealized picture of what it is going to be like, but I learned that you need to let go a little. This isn’t exactly what I pictured but I wouldn’t change anything.
Peter: I would also say be willing to learn and explore as well.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
Katy: Adoption doesn’t have to be an end. It can be a beginning of a new phase. Specifically for an open adoption, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story between a birth mother and a child. Historically, it really has been that way and it has done a lot of damage. So I want people to know that it can be positive, it doesn’t have to be the end, it can be new beginnings if you want to make it that way.
Peter: Also, birth mothers are not placing their children because they don’t care about the baby. They want what is best for the baby.
Katy: Yeah, it seems like there is a lot of stigma around being a birth mother and I think that is so deeply unfair to birth moms. They are making a choice that they feel is the best for the child they’re having. I think it is really unfair when other people make harsh judgments about that.
What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?
Peter: Boredom with terrifying beauty at the end.
Katy: Boredom because you spend so much time waiting and preparing and then terrifying beauty because the birth of the child and matching with Torie was beautiful but also terrifying because you are responsible for that tiny life now and she is totally dependent on you! I agree with Peter, but I would say beautiful, work, and worth it.
Is there anything that you’d like to share that we haven’t covered yet?
Katy: I just want to say how awesome Torie is. Torie and I really hit it off and I think it will be to Grace’s eternal benefit. When we met Torie, it was so clear that she was trying to do the absolute best for Grace. She was doing everything in her power to do that.
Peter: And that Adoptions of Wisconsin really helped us throughout the whole process.
When did you go through the adoption process?
Torie, her three sons, and her newborn.
A few months ago. The baby is just over a month old.
What is your adoption plan like?
Very open. When I first got in touch with AOW, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted. I matched with one couple, but that match didn’t work out. Then I went into the meeting with Katy and Peter, the adoptive parents, with my guard up. I was thinking that it was going to be closed, they would take a picture once a year, and that’s it. Then they told me that they wanted an open adoption and I kind of fell into it. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We see each other often. I see her at least once a week. My sons have met her, and she gets my breast milk.
What is it like when you see her?
It’s just beautiful. It is so great because we have such a great relationship. They tell me about what she has been doing and all of her changes. Her grandma is there most of the time and she and I get along really well too. It’s like I’m an auntie or something.
What was the experience like choosing the adoptive parents?
I matched with a different couple first. I was super open with them and it didn’t work out. When I was picking Katy and Peter, Lea gave me some profiles to look at. I was looking at the profiles and I was shown some couples that already had kids. I wanted my child to go to a family that did not have children yet. For some reason, I just kept being drawn to Katy and Peter. Something inside me just knew that they were it.
What was it like meeting them for the first time?
I’m not even going to lie it was a little awkward. I was trying really hard to be closed off. I really put a lot into the couple before. Katy made it really easy. After that first meeting, it was still a little awkward, and I was a little closed off, but it just felt right still. The match really just fell into place. Over time I opened up to them more and our relationship grew closer. As we got closer to her birth, I was just kind of talking to Katy like she was my friend.
Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?
It was my friend who also was there during the birth. She is adopted, her dad is not her biological dad. But she told me that she always completely viewed him as her dad regardless. That was the most helpful thing anybody ever told me. I just didn’t know how the baby would feel.
Lea was also supportive. Just her being her, she was great. I can’t say enough good things about Lea. She let me be myself and just let me talk how I would freely talk and completely understood. Her being so supportive made my experience so much easier.
Was there anyone who was not supportive of you and how did you handle it?
The dad was not supportive. I had friends around me who were very supportive about that. Both of them told me that it doesn’t matter what he wants because he doesn’t take care of my other children. That is what took me out of the loop of overthinking what he wanted. He has never been there for us.
How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?
I didn’t know what to expect. I thought that children that were adopted were always traumatized. I didn’t think it could be a good thing. I thought that I would give them the baby and part ways and the baby would never know me and that I would be a mess. I thought that I would be in horrible pain about it.
Now actually going through the process and being matched with who I’ve matched with and embracing their beliefs of adoption has completely changed everything for me. Like I said, it is very open. Now I know how beautiful adoption can be. Their family is kind of merged with my family in a sense. I never thought that that could happen. I never thought it could be this beautiful and that I could have such a great relationship with my biological child’s mother. I didn’t think that it could be this great, it has been amazing!
What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?
I think that the biggest surprise for me definitely is that I can still be a part of her life. The biggest reward for me is to see her have loving parents and extended family. Their entire extended family has been waiting for them to have a child. To see that their extended family loves her, and some haven’t even met her yet, is so rewarding. It makes me see that I did the right thing. I have three kids, they had no kids, and now they have a baby. Just seeing that and how beautiful that is, it feels so good to know that she will forever be loved and taken care of. She also has people who look like her in her family. That was important to me. It just all seems so perfect to know that she is going to have aunties who look like her and cousins who look like her.
What do you want all birth mothers to know?
That it doesn’t have to be how you picture it. I pictured it as a closed adoption where I wouldn’t see her. I just want birth mothers to know how beautiful it can be. Not everybody sees that. I didn’t see that. I didn’t picture it being the way that it is now. I would tell birth moms to remain open throughout the process because things can surprise you.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
I want people to know that adoption isn’t just having a baby and giving it to a family and just leaving it at that. A lot of people think that they’re going to have a baby and then never have a relationship with the baby until they turn 18 and come looking. That is not how it has to be. If you and the adoptive parents are open to it, you can maintain a close relationship and the baby will always fully know exactly where they came from.
What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?
Beautiful, rewarding, and uniting because it brings people together.
When did you place your child for adoption?
2019
How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?
Overwhelmed. I was not sure if I could take care of the baby because at the time I was going through a lot.
Why did you choose adoption? What was your process behind making that decision?
I chose adoption because I wanted my son to have a good life and get the care that he needed which I could not give him. You can give a child all the love in the world but that just is not enough.
Who was the most helpful and supportive person in the process of placing your child for adoption?
Hollie, my social worker at Adoptions of Wisconsin. She was absolutely amazing. The adoptive mother Delaney* was amazing too. She was there for me whenever she could be. She was there for me even at my doctor’s appointments. I couldn’t pick better parents for my son than Delaney and Steve*.
When did you know that Delaney and Steve were the people you wanted to parent your child?
I first connected with them about two weeks after I met with Hollie. About a week prior I connected with another couple and they were really cool but when I met with Delaney and Steve, I instantly knew they were the ones.
What was it like to have your first experience meeting them?
It was nerve-wracking. I wasn’t sure at that point if adoption was exactly what I wanted to do. After meeting them and talking with them I realized that they were definitely going to be a good fit for my child. When I first met them it was instantaneous, I just knew they were the right fit. And even after, when Delaney and Steve went home, Steve mentioned something to Delaney along the lines of “This was meant to be. I feel like I have known her for years.” My experience meeting them was amazing and it made my decision a little bit easier even though it was still really hard. But I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing.
How would you describe the way that your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?
Before I went through the adoption process myself, I had heard about adoption, but I always thought they were closed adoptions where I would not be able to still be a part of my son’s life. But when I sat down and talked to Hollie, I learned more information and I realized that there were other options. After talking to her I was more at ease with everything. When I learned about open adoption I remember feeling like wow, you guys are really trying to help both me and the adoptive parents since I would still be able to see my son.
What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?
I found out more about myself. I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. It gave me a new perspective on myself.
What do you want all birth mothers to know?
It gets easier with time and you are making the right decision. You are putting your child above all of your feelings.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Yes, we are making a hard decision, but we are giving a family a chance to be parents. I mean there are so many people out there who aren’t able to have children, and this is their only way of doing that. It is beautiful.
What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?
Amazing, nerve-wracking, but also kind of peaceful. I mean you guys do an amazing job. I can’t thank you enough for just being there for me.
What was the most nerve-wracking part?
The unknown and especially meeting prospective adoptive parents. You are trying to give your child to them, but you don’t know what their personalities will be like or if they will be a good fit.
Is there anything else that you would like to add?
The one thing I have always wanted to do is just get my story out there. Even if it just helps one birth mother who is going through this, and it helps her make the right decision, then that makes me happy. You know it is going to be hard no matter what but hearing stories from other women who have gone through this helps.
* Adoptive parents names have been changed.
When did you go through the adoption process?
2006.
When you found out you were pregnant how did you feel?
Scared.
What made you decide to choose adoption?
Well I was 16. I was not ready for a family. It was not my intention to get pregnant, but it happened, and I don’t believe in abortion. I weighed out a lot of pros and cons for keeping him or placing him for adoption. When there were more pros to adoption is when I ultimately chose to do adoption.
In the process of placing your child for adoption who would you say was the most helpful person?
There was a couple of them. I worked with Claire Bergman. She helped me quite a bit. She would come up, take me to doctor’s appointments, she was a big support. If I needed someone to talk to, she’d be willing to talk. The other person would be my mother. She supported me through everything like if I was having a bad day or struggling emotionally. I was extremely grateful for both of them. My grandmother was supportive too.
Were there people who didn’t support you and who were they?
Some members of my family were not supportive. It was kind of hard and it hurt me. I was already going through a difficult time and it felt like even more negativity.
What did you do to deal with the people that weren’t supporting you?
I cut them out of my life. They are my family, so eventually I started talking to them again. My mom was the one who helped me the most with that negativity. She helped me to look at the positives instead of the negatives.
How has your perception of adoption changed before going through the adoption process?
I have always thought adoption is an amazing process. There are people who can’t have children and birth moms help couples like that form a family. Actually going through it I learned more about what the adoption process is like.
How did you choose the adoptive parents?
I met with two families. Something about my meeting with the first family felt off and I didn’t feel a connection with them. When I met with the adoptive parents I chose, the conversation was warm, inviting, bubbly, non-stop and it just felt right. After going through the process of picking a family I felt extremely grateful for where my son was going. I knew he was going to be loved and my son would be the stepping-stone for them to become a family. It makes me happy to know that I helped them become that family. The last month of my pregnancy was hard and uncomfortable. The adoptive parents sent me a care package and card which was really nice of them. They knew that the last month of a pregnancy could be rough. I still have the card.
What was it like going to school during your pregnancy?
I had my friends that I would hang out with. I became extremely close to them. They helped me through the pregnancy. Other than that I pretty much kept to myself.
What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?
The thing that I always think about is them becoming a family. I am extremely grateful that I could be a part of that process and help them become the parents that they always wanted to be.
What do you want all birth mothers to know?
If you are unsure of what you want in life or if you’re unsure of whether you want to go through the adoption process an adoption agency can support you. You can contact them and weigh out your options. There are open adoptions and you can still be a part of your child’s life and watch them grow up.
Did you choose open or closed adoption?
I chose closed but I told the adoptive family that if he ever starts asking questions about me or wants to know more about me then I’d like to build a relationship with him. It’s their choice and they can do whatever they want. But I would love to connect with him at some point, even if it is years from now.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
For me adoption opened my eyes to more than just somebody adopting a child. It helped me emotionally and it made me a stronger person. With adoption your child has a chance at life.
What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?
Open-minded. I had a really close relationship with Claire. When I was pregnant, I struggled for a little bit after I had him and I was still talking to Claire. She was extremely open-minded about everything. She seemed like she wanted to help, and she helped me a lot.
Giving. I say this because Claire took me shopping. At the time I couldn’t afford maternity clothes and Claire helped me buy some. It was really nice.
Caring. I thought I went into labor before I did, and I was in the birthing center of the hospital. Claire came which I thought was amazing and it showed me that she actually cared for my wellbeing. She patiently waited to see if I would go into labor or not.
Is there anything else that you want to share?
I just want to say how grateful I am for Adoptions of Wisconsin, not only for how they helped me while I was placing my son for adoption, but also for how they treated me as a birth mother. My friendship with Claire blossomed throughout the pregnancy and the overall experience was truly amazing. I loved working with Claire, I loved being able to talk to her and I still like keeping up with her over social media and seeing her updates. I loved working with AOW, I loved the process, and I feel blessed because they made my experience so much easier.
Attorney Lynn Bodi and Executive Director Claire Schulz Bergman got to appear in court with a birth mother in another county, recently. It was one of the nicest hearings we’ve been to. This birth mother had made an adoption plan for her son. She was very clear in what she wanted for him. The hearing was lovely and the birth mother’s mother was also there to support her. At the hearing, the judge thanked everyone in the room for being the high point of his day.
We’re always interested in what people think of the court proceedings. After the hearing, Lynn had the opportunity to ask the birth mother a few questions about the experience:
Q) What did you find the most surprising about court?
A) There was really nothing that surprising. I felt like I was really well prepared.
Q) Was any part of court scary for you?
A) Just talking in public. [Her mom then pointed out that she’s a little shy.] But I knew what you were going to ask me. All of the information made sense.
Entering a courtroom can often seem daunting. At Adoptions of Wisconsin, Inc., we take pride in helping everyone involved in an adoption feel comfortable and well prepared.
Kelly and Neil came to Adoptions of Wisconsin in early 2017 with the hopes of adopting an infant - as many families do. As the couple progressed through the inactive list and began the home study to become an active family, a situation was presented to them. This situation involved a sibling group of two little boys, ages 2 1/2 years and 11 months. Kelly graciously reflects on her and Neil's adoption journey in a touching narrative below.
I keep wondering how it is possible to have a life so perfect, however one year ago I felt completely different.
My husband and I had waited and planned for the absolute perfect moment to start our family. We were married a few years, had traveled, completed graduate school, purchased a 3 bedroom home, and started a professional career that was conducive to having a family. I had spent years trying not to get pregnant, so I had never considered I might have troubles getting pregnant. After 6 months of “trying”, I began to realize it was not going to be so easy. I started to see specialist after specialist, I started a gluten-free/dairy-free diet, I lost 10% of my body weight, I took hormones and medication, yet my body still wasn’t working. I began to cry when people I knew would announce they were pregnant, family members kept asking “when we were going to start a family” and I felt hopeless. I spent most of 2016 in bed crying. My husband and my sisters would bring me food and try to comfort
me, but I felt hopeless.
We had always dreamed of growing our family through adoption, but the expense associated with adoption seemed overwhelming and for a young couple fresh out of graduate school it seemed improbable. My husband and I attended an infertility support group where a young woman shared she had completed 8 rounds of in vitro fertilization (IVF) over a 5 year period and still did not have a baby in her arms. As we drove home from that group I decided we needed to shift our focus. I started to read blogs about how to make adoption happen. However, it seemed like a stretch, it was nearly half of our combined annual income.
We decided we were going to do everything we could to make our dream of adoption and growing our family a reality. When it came down to coming up with the funds, we were overwhelmed by the love and support we received from family, friends and even strangers. We had paint nights, bake sales, garage sales, salon days, friends selling homemade goods, and friends’ crowdfunding. We began to live on a very strict budget, my husband drove Uber during Badger games, and we dog sat for 6 months straight. We had everything planned to a T and with this plan in place we were on track to have the funds for our adoption in one year.
Many people told me over the past five years that having a family is something you can’t really plan for and that there is nothing that will fully prepare you for that exact right time. Our adoption waiting period went quite a bit faster than we had planned. Within 6 months of being on the inactive list, we had moved up the queue, and we’re ready to go active! Once active we were under the impression that we would likely wait some more, meet a few expecting mothers and eventually someone would pick us to parent their child. We had names picked out and I dreamt of doctors visits with the expecting mother where we would see our baby together.
However, the day we finished our home study and were asked if we would consider a sibling set? We were unsure if this was something we could handle. We had no idea what a sibling set even meant. Our social worker explained the situation and what exactly a “sibling set adoption” entailed. Later that day she emailed pictures of the “sibling set” and asked if we would like to have a profile shown to the birth parents. This was not what we had planned for, but over the years we’ve learned you can't plan for everything. So we decided we might as well give it a shot and see if she liked us.
A week later we met a courageous young woman, who wanted the best life for her boys. At this same visit we met two little boys- ages 11 months and 2 ½ that have forever changed our lives. It was love at first sight. After that visit we left and drove home not knowing if she had liked us, but knowing we were fully in love with all three of them.
Adoption is hypothetical during the preparation process---we thought about how we would parent, but we didn’t have any really practical experience. But when you meet the birth mother---and in our case, the kids too---the thing is real. These kids would actually be our family. How will they adjust? How will we? Lots of potential issues that we had dismissed or delayed suddenly became real. The scenario we had been mentally preparing for---taking home one newborn baby---was instantly totally different. We were mainly worried that they would not attach to us.
About two weeks after our initial meeting we took two little boys home to our semi-toddler proofed house and started our journey as parents.It turned out that, at least in terms of attachment, we had nothing to worry about. The boys were attached to us almost from the moment we brought them home. Both of them love us like we’ve been their parents from the beginning, and we love them the same way.
We have now had the boys nearly four months. Our house has become a home and we cannot imagine our lives without them. We feel like we were always meant to be together and we were always meant to love these boys. Our hearts are so full, we are forever grateful for the amazing
young people that created these beautiful babies and made this selfless decision. Every day we look at these beautiful boys we are so grateful. We are grateful for the opportunity to love these boys and to grow our family. Unconditional love is powerful. Unconditional love is true. Unconditional love makes a family.
An AOW adoptive mom wrote up an inspiring blog post about her real-life experience with a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) hearing. We thank her for her open heart, kindness and willingness to share with others.
"What does it mean to have a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)? This is a rare situation, but it can happen and every family that chooses adoption should know that it is a possibility. In a brief way, it means that one of the birth parents are fighting for custody or their parental rights. It is a hard, hard thing to go through… so, let me tell you briefly about our story, what it felt like, and how grateful we are for our sweet girl.
When you first bring your child home, whether from the hospital or from a different setting, your only thought is about how much you already love the child. You don’t think about the things that could go wrong with the adoption process, you don’t spend time looking up Wisconsin state adoption laws, and you certainly don’t think that it will take close to a year for finalization.
We brought home our baby girl and had our first court hearing about one and a half months later. This was supposed to be a brief court hearing and it turned out to be our 2nd worst fear. The birth father showed up to court to contest his rights. He has the right to do this, it was just totally unexpected. Getting the phone call from the attorney to tell us this was nothing but a blur. Did I understand her right? Did she hear me sobbing like crazy on the other side of the phone? Did she hear my anger? How am I going to call my husband and tell him this at work? All of these thoughts and so many more were racing through my head while comprehending NOTHING that she was saying.
Through our own drive to learn, we started to do our own research. We wanted to know the laws, what the process was from here, and try to understand the terms that are used in conversation. Throughout a few more court dates, it was determined that our case was going to a jury trial. Holy crap, right? Since when was this possible. Well, it is. Throughout infertility, it is difficult to not ask yourself ‘Why us?’… well, here we were again saying ‘why us?!’ To make a long story short, there are several steps to a contested TPR. Thankfully, we had an attorney and social worker that led us through the entire process. Do not ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask them questions. We don’t want to get into much detail about our story, but we want you to know that it all worked out! Our sweet, smiley, adorable little girl is ours and continues to be our whole world.
How did it feel to go through a TPR? Horrible. Not good. Shocking and appalling. There was nothing easy about it. It consumed our daily lives, we talked about it daily between our families, and made us cherish our time with our girl even more. It felt like time moved so slow. It felt like our dreams were being shattered. Not many people understand what the process is like. We had to spend time educating our family and friends as they were trying to comprehend this process too. But, through it all, we knew that we were going 150% through this entire process. We were NOT stopping to fight. We were not going to change our outlook on life. And lastly, the financial burden that a contested TPR puts on adoptive families was not going to stop us. We would do whatever it takes.
How did we get through a contested TPR? Just looking at our princess was enough to make us smile many times a day, cry tears of happiness, and reiterate that our purpose in life was her. When she went to bed was our time to chat. We spent time together communicating, communicating, and more communicating. Between the two of us, we talked about how we were feeling every day. We understood that we would have different good/bad days, different emotions to every step of the way, and that any emotion was okay to have. We leaned on our friends and family very frequently. People are normally scared to ask questions or talk about bad things, but we encouraged our friends and family to ask any questions and that we wanted to talk about the adoption. We would often get texts from our best friends that would say, “just checking in to see how you are doing.” Knowing the amount of support that we had and still have is heart-warming. The continual support from each other, our families, and our friends is what got us through this process.
Having this be our first adoption and going through a contested TPR, it is interesting to look back on the last year. It went SUPER fast. We still ask ‘why us?!’ but have come to reason with it. We want others to know more about the possibility of a contested TPR than we did. We want others to go into the process knowing that a contested TPR could happen. We will never say that any of this was easy, it was extremely hard. But, WE DID IT and we did it together… as a family of three!
If you find yourself in a situation of a contested TPR, our advice to you, is to lean on your family and friends. You may have to educate them on the process, but it will be so worth it. Find a new hobby with your new addition or do an activity together to keep busy. You WILL get through it if you communicate, show each other love, give your new addition to the family extra hugs & kisses, and remember your purpose."
AOW Adoptive Mom, 2017
Adoptions of Wisconsin, Inc., (AOW) is a full service licensed adoption agency, located in Madison, which provides services throughout Wisconsin. We serve both expectant and adoptive parents and provide services for agency, interstate, independent, step-parent, relative and LGBT adoptions. We are not affiliated with any religion and do not discriminate based on age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status or fertility status. Whether you are looking to adopt a child, or are a birth parent looking at adoption as an option for your baby, we are here to help you. Our experienced staff travels throughout the state to support, talk and listen to birth parents and adoptive families. We are accessible, easy to talk to and here for you when you need us. Thank you. We wish you the best on your journey.
© 2023 Adoptions of Wisconsin, Inc. 433 W. Washington Ave., Suite 300, Madison, WI 53703 | Office: 608.821.8220 (M-F 8:00-5:00)
If you are pregnant and want to talk through your options, please text or call 608.821.8221.
