Part One: Torie's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

Torie, her three sons, and her newborn.

A few months ago. The baby is just over a month old.

What is your adoption plan like?

Very open. When I first got in touch with AOW, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted. I matched with one couple, but that match didn’t work out. Then I went into the meeting with Katy and Peter, the adoptive parents, with my guard up. I was thinking that it was going to be closed, they would take a picture once a year, and that’s it. Then they told me that they wanted an open adoption and I kind of fell into it. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We see each other often. I see her at least once a week. My sons have met her, and she gets my breast milk.  

What is it like when you see her?

It’s just beautiful. It is so great because we have such a great relationship. They tell me about what she has been doing and all of her changes. Her grandma is there most of the time and she and I get along really well too. It’s like I’m an auntie or something.

What was the experience like choosing the adoptive parents?

I matched with a different couple first. I was super open with them and it didn’t work out. When I was picking Katy and Peter, Lea gave me some profiles to look at. I was looking at the profiles and I was shown some couples that already had kids. I wanted my child to go to a family that did not have children yet. For some reason, I just kept being drawn to Katy and Peter. Something inside me just knew that they were it.

What was it like meeting them for the first time?

I’m not even going to lie it was a little awkward. I was trying really hard to be closed off. I really put a lot into the couple before. Katy made it really easy. After that first meeting, it was still a little awkward, and I was a little closed off, but it just felt right still. The match really just fell into place. Over time I opened up to them more and our relationship grew closer. As we got closer to her birth, I was just kind of talking to Katy like she was my friend.

Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

It was my friend who also was there during the birth. She is adopted, her dad is not her biological dad. But she told me that she always completely viewed him as her dad regardless. That was the most helpful thing anybody ever told me. I just didn’t know how the baby would feel.

Lea was also supportive. Just her being her, she was great. I can’t say enough good things about Lea. She let me be myself and just let me talk how I would freely talk and completely understood. Her being so supportive made my experience so much easier.

Was there anyone who was not supportive of you and how did you handle it?

The dad was not supportive. I had friends around me who were very supportive about that. Both of them told me that it doesn’t matter what he wants because he doesn’t take care of my other children. That is what took me out of the loop of overthinking what he wanted. He has never been there for us.

How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

I didn’t know what to expect. I thought that children that were adopted were always traumatized. I didn’t think it could be a good thing. I thought that I would give them the baby and part ways and the baby would never know me and that I would be a mess. I thought that I would be in horrible pain about it.

Now actually going through the process and being matched with who I’ve matched with and embracing their beliefs of adoption has completely changed everything for me. Like I said, it is very open. Now I know how beautiful adoption can be. Their family is kind of merged with my family in a sense. I never thought that that could happen. I never thought it could be this beautiful and that I could have such a great relationship with my biological child’s mother. I didn’t think that it could be this great, it has been amazing!

What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

I think that the biggest surprise for me definitely is that I can still be a part of her life. The biggest reward for me is to see her have loving parents and extended family. Their entire extended family has been waiting for them to have a child. To see that their extended family loves her, and some haven’t even met her yet, is so rewarding. It makes me see that I did the right thing. I have three kids, they had no kids, and now they have a baby. Just seeing that and how beautiful that is, it feels so good to know that she will forever be loved and taken care of. She also has people who look like her in her family. That was important to me. It just all seems so perfect to know that she is going to have aunties who look like her and cousins who look like her.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

That it doesn’t have to be how you picture it. I pictured it as a closed adoption where I wouldn’t see her. I just want birth mothers to know how beautiful it can be. Not everybody sees that. I didn’t see that. I didn’t picture it being the way that it is now. I would tell birth moms to remain open throughout the process because things can surprise you.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

I want people to know that adoption isn’t just having a baby and giving it to a family and just leaving it at that. A lot of people think that they’re going to have a baby and then never have a relationship with the baby until they turn 18 and come looking. That is not how it has to be. If you and the adoptive parents are open to it, you can maintain a close relationship and the baby will always fully know exactly where they came from.

What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Beautiful, rewarding, and uniting because it brings people together.