"They loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing." -Althea's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

I was actually adopted so I grew up with a lot of exposure to adoption and my family was very open about it. It was never something that we didn’t talk about. My brother was adopted too. I found out I was pregnant in 2019 when I was 17. I freaked out and set a timer on my phone for 2 hours. I was like I will give myself 2 hours to cry and then I’ll figure out what to do.

Later that night, I started thinking about different options, and I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website. I was looking through all of the waiting family pictures, and I found Dave* and Stacy’s* profile, and right away I was like oh my gosh, these are the parents. There was no hesitation, I just knew that they were the family I wanted to choose after seeing their profile and how active they were and how similar their lifestyle was to mine, and all of these super cool things that they had included. I also noticed that they posted that they didn’t have any concerns about the appearance of the child or skin color and that was super cool to have that pointed out because my parents are both white and I am African American and Puerto Rican. It was cool to see that no matter what color this child turns out it will work out.

So I went through the process when I was 17, I gave birth when I was 18. It was tricky. It was a challenge as a 17-year-old. I wanted to be in a bikini on a beach and be out doing 17-year-old things, but I committed to this decision. I actually met Dave and Stacy in-person early. I know that typically they wait until 20 weeks just because that’s the period of time in which they can confirm the viability of the pregnancy, but I met them early. I called Claire and was like hey, you know, here’s who I am, here’s what’s going on and I know that these are the parents. So we reached out early and they were there throughout the entire pregnancy. They came to all my appointments and made me little gift baskets. It was the most supportive, awesome relationship that I could have asked for.

What was it like when you first found out you were pregnant? How did you feel?

It was world-stopping. It was horrible and scary. It was the most oh crap moment I have ever had. I am a paramedic and the way we go about things in the EMS world is to jump into crisis management mode. So after my 2-hour timer, I was like okay it’s time to figure this out. Like 2 ½ hours after finding out I was pregnant, I came across AOW’s page and I thought it was perfect.

Once I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website the first thing that I looked at was waiting families. I knew the process, so I wanted to see what my options were. I remember looking at the other families and I almost felt sad that I wasn’t able to help them create a family too. I knew that it was the biggest gift I could give someone, to help them start a family, just like I was given parents by my birth mom. I was given the best parents that I could ask for, so it was so cool to do that for a family. But it made me feel sad for the other people that were waiting. I know that adoption is a process and some people wait for years. In the end, it was nice to know that I felt like I was making the right decision and I didn’t have to meet multiple families and pick between them. So that was awesome. But I also wished I could do it for other families too.  

Why did you choose adoption?

I didn’t think that it was the right time for me to be a mom. Especially because I was in school. It didn’t align in my life and I knew I wouldn’t be a successful mom. I knew that he deserved more than I would be able to do for him. That was a huge factor. When I looked at the profiles of the adoptive families and saw what they would be able to offer the baby I knew that they could offer more than I could as a 17-year-old. My family was supportive, but there wouldn’t have been a good father so I would be doing it all alone which would have been horrible.

I still think about my decision to place him for adoption and I always will. It wasn’t hard for me to decide at the moment because I knew I wouldn’t be capable. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to raise a baby successfully was disappointing and I was ashamed of it. I knew people in my high school who were 15 and parented a baby and I would compare their situations with mine. Feeling like I wasn’t capable of being a mom was excruciating but then looking at it now it’s like yeah, I couldn’t parent, but these beautiful, lovely people are doing leaps and bounds further than I would have imagined they would, so that feels really good.

What was the experience meeting the adoptive parents like?

My mom came with me and she was like I want you to not be too enthusiastic in case it doesn’t work out. I walked into the agency and I saw them walking into the parking lot. Dave was so nervous. It was the sweetest thing. He was so nervous he was shaking. Stacy was shaking too. We sat down in the room and started talking. My mom had me write down a list of questions to ask them and so I started asking them questions and as I was talking to them more and more, I was like oh my gosh this is awesome. I remember at the end I told them that I wanted them to be the parents of the baby. That was the best feeling in the world, just being able to say that to them. I remember Dave started crying.

It was also helpful for me because I was 17, I had no interest in being pregnant, and once I was able to say to them that I wanted the baby to be their child I was able to view my pregnancy as me helping start a family. That ended up being how I got through the pregnancy. I had a ton of complications which was super scary. There were multiple times when my doctor thought that my pregnancy may not have been a good choice for me. But knowing that Stacy and Dave were the finish line sealed the deal for me and helped me get through the hard times.

How did your relationship with them change over the course of when you first met them, throughout your pregnancy, and to now?

Our relationship was awesome. From the start, our personalities meshed well. I think this was super important. As a birth mother, you need to be able to feel comfortable and confident around the parents that you chose to raise the child that you’re going to give birth to. That was very important to me. We were able to joke around and it was super fun. It was very respectful at first because I think that they were trying to figure out my boundaries and I was trying to figure out theirs. But I told them that they could come to any appointments that they wanted to. They came to every single one. Even blood work appointments. It even got to the point that they knew what kind of candy I liked like they would know I was craving something and give it to me. They also sent text messages checking in on how I was doing and asking if there was anything that they could do for me and letting me know that they hoped I was doing well. Our relationship slowly grew and grew and grew. By the end of my pregnancy, Dave and I were taking unofficial maternity photos together. Dave pushed out his stomach really far and then we’d take a picture together. It is my favorite picture, he’s standing with his back arched and his tummy out, it’s great.

The birthing process went well. I knew that these were Charlie’s* parents, so I wanted them to do skin-to-skin, be the first people to hold him, the first to feed him, and I wanted Charlie to go into their room. The other side of it is that it helped me somewhat disassociate from the pregnancy because I knew I wasn’t at all responsible after birth which was helpful for me. I knew that this child would have an emotional connection with these parents and have the best parents that I could ask for. So that also helped me not have as many negative feelings when I gave birth to him. There were also scary parts of the birth like Charlie had to have 911 NICU called for him because he was stunned when he came out. He wasn’t breathing or responding right away. That was terrifying for all of us. It felt like everything was slow motion and horrible and scary. The best part was seeing Dave hold him for the first time. It was the most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced, seeing him hold his son for the first time and seeing Stacy holding him and realizing that now they finally have their son.

They were very open and accepting of the idea of closed or open adoption. They told me they wanted to work with me, and they understood that it was a big gift that I was giving them. They wanted to respect what I wanted. Personally, I wanted to move on. Now we have a Google Drive where Stacy posts photos and it’s nice because I can turn my notifications off and just see it whenever I want to. She posts photos like every week, there are so many photos and it’s awesome. It’s sort of as needed as wanted.

Were there any negative feelings that you experienced after the baby’s birth?

I felt very angry. I felt upset that my body was acting like I just had a baby but there was no baby. That was very frustrating to me because I very adamantly wanted to give birth and move on. Having my body think there was a baby and act like there was felt very frustrating and emotional to me and that created sadness. Even now that is something that I struggle with. Like I obviously have had a baby and you can physically see that on my body which is frustrating to me. It can be hard. It’s a constant reminder that I had a baby and made an adoption plan.

I don’t think I ever felt sad or regretful about having made the adoption plan. There are many times when I will be in life and be like wow if I had my kid, he would be two now, I wouldn’t be able to be finishing college the way that I am, I wouldn’t be able to be traveling the way that I am. Knowing that he is in such a good place, I know that I wouldn’t have been a better parent. So I don’t really have sadness about making an adoption plan it’s more of the aftermath of going through something and then not having anything at the finish line. There was no trophy or award.

I actually planned a birth mother dinner and I did a lot of fundraising for birth moms to come and get pampered for a night. It was awesome. I had a massage person come, it was catered, and we did arts and crafts and shared our stories. It was a very healing environment and it was rewarding. It was a time and place where we didn’t feel guilty about saying that we were upset or sad. Being in a room of women and men, we had birth fathers too, that had experienced the same thing, it was awesome. I’m hoping to do it again. 

Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

My mom. She went through it with me. She came to all my appointments with me and scheduled appointments for me. She adjusted my work uniform for me so that I could wear it comfortably. She was the one who was in bed with me when I was crying at 2 am. My dad was the one running to the store at 2 am when I needed something. They were extremely supportive and lovely. My brother also. He was the first person I told that I was pregnant. He was extremely supportive and very light-hearted, and it meant so much to me that he was so accepting of my situation. There was no judgment from him at all. He was good at making jokes about the situation. It was great. I also had some support from my church.

Dave and Stacy were supportive too. But my main support system was my family. Just because we had different goals. Dave and Stacy’s goal was to adopt a baby and mine was to be healthy and take care of myself. Knowing that there was a difference in our goals was important for me. It is so important to have that support group of people in your corner that have your best interest as their primary goal.

Would you say that there was anyone in your life who didn’t support you during that time?

The father. He was horrible.

How did you get through that?

Claire was awesome. I had brought it up to her right away. Claire took care of it. She said she would be in contact with him and I didn’t even have to worry about it, and that I didn’t have to see him. Having Claire be the buffer between that was awesome. I felt like the entire agency was there for me. As much as their job is to pair birth mothers with adoptive parents, it felt like it was all about me. That was very clear to me from the beginning that everything was my choice. The adoption agency’s goal was to take care of birth moms and help birth moms and ensure that birth moms match with fitting adoptive parents. I know this is my side of it and I’m sure adoptive parents might have something different to say, but for me, it felt like the entire agency was in my corner. They helped me ensure that everything would be productive, and they supplied the information that I needed to make the choice to make an adoption plan. They made it so easy. Like Claire would come to my house and be like “hey sign this”, “this is what it means”, and would bring me coffee and then say “see you later!” It was awesome.

How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

It was interesting to come full circle. It helped me as an adopted child understand why I was adopted. Every adopted child has that question, but I think that it helped me understand that it wasn’t at all that nobody wanted me. My birth mom just wasn’t ready to be a mom. I actually have been able to talk to some friends’ kids who are adopted and tell them from the experience of a birth mother that they were 100% loved. They loved you enough to make the right choice for you and to take care of you in a way that is extremely hard. It is the hardest choice a birth mother can make. As I like to say, they loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing.

I think it also just helped me realize that adoption can be casual. It doesn’t have to be scary or secret or something that we just don’t talk about. It doesn’t have to be something that you’re ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be anything that you feel uncomfortable with. That is something that I have recently grown into. When I was pregnant, I didn’t want anyone to know. But now that I am moving on in life, I have an awesome boyfriend who is super cool and fantastic and obviously, my experience with adoption is something we have to talk about and it’s just casual. It’s just part of my life and part of my story.

What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

Seeing Dave hold Charlie was the biggest reward for me. It was literally watching a family be created. It was second by second watching a parent fall in love with a baby. It felt really good and obviously it was hard but once I was done, I was like I did that!

Also, I wasn’t forgotten by anyone which felt really good. When I was done giving birth, I was like I guess I’m not going to be able to talk to Claire anymore. But that was not the case at all. Claire still texts me and still checks in on me and even has asked me to speak to other birth moms about my story and offer support. I created a family through Adoptions of Wisconsin that I still have, and they are still people that three years later I know I can count on. If I need to talk to anyone about my feelings, they are 100% there to support me. Even three years later they let me know that they have a support group or a counselor. Claire has reached out multiple times and offered to get coffee with me. That has been really cool, to have that continued familial support from the agency.

Birth Mother’s Day is coming up. What do you want all birth mothers to know on this day?

I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they’re allowed to not celebrate it. They are allowed to make boundaries. They are allowed to let people know that they don’t have to partake in Birth Mother’s Day because that can reopen a wound. I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they can celebrate it however they need to. If that is a bad day for them then it is allowed to be a bad day. I also think it is an important day to reflect and look back at what you did and be proud and feel your emotions and do things like go and get your nails done and take care of yourself. It is a good day to remind you to look into your emotions, whether good or bad, and to take care of them.

If you could tell all birth mothers something what would you tell them?

The number one thing I would want all birth mothers to know is that their decision needs to be their choice, they need to know that they are in charge and they call the shots. I would tell them it’s your show, you’re the star of it, ask for what you need, don’t be quiet about your needs or ashamed about them, and make sure to take care of yourself.

Also, for birth moms that place through Adoptions of Wisconsin, AOW will always be there. They will always be a resource. In general, to other birth mothers, I would tell them to use the resources of whatever agency they place through. I know that Adoptions of Wisconsin is a special and rare agency. I have heard a lot of stories and done research and I personally haven’t heard of any other agencies that will answer your calls at 2 am when you’re crying and just need to talk to somebody. Every single case worker was awesome. Knowing that they are in it for the same reasons that you are is awesome.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

I want people to know that every story is different and that it is so important to respect people’s stories and respect boundaries. I think it is best to ask questions because that is better than being quiet and making assumptions. At the same time, different birth mothers have different levels of openness about their experience and their boundaries need to be respected.

Adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents are part of a special and cherished adoption community. I think everybody knows someone who is adopted or has experienced encountering someone whose been on either side of the process, even if they don’t know it. I think it’s important to understand that every story is different. And adoption creates families! I think a lot of people don’t think of it because many people are able to give birth to their own children and so I think people often forget that it is even a choice. I think that it should be a little more normalized than it is. People can be very hush-hush about it.

What are three words you would use to describe your experience with adoption?

Tender, emotional, and proud.

*Adoptive parents and baby’s name have been changed.

Part One: Torie's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

Torie, her three sons, and her newborn.

A few months ago. The baby is just over a month old.

What is your adoption plan like?

Very open. When I first got in touch with AOW, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted. I matched with one couple, but that match didn’t work out. Then I went into the meeting with Katy and Peter, the adoptive parents, with my guard up. I was thinking that it was going to be closed, they would take a picture once a year, and that’s it. Then they told me that they wanted an open adoption and I kind of fell into it. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. We see each other often. I see her at least once a week. My sons have met her, and she gets my breast milk.  

What is it like when you see her?

It’s just beautiful. It is so great because we have such a great relationship. They tell me about what she has been doing and all of her changes. Her grandma is there most of the time and she and I get along really well too. It’s like I’m an auntie or something.

What was the experience like choosing the adoptive parents?

I matched with a different couple first. I was super open with them and it didn’t work out. When I was picking Katy and Peter, Lea gave me some profiles to look at. I was looking at the profiles and I was shown some couples that already had kids. I wanted my child to go to a family that did not have children yet. For some reason, I just kept being drawn to Katy and Peter. Something inside me just knew that they were it.

What was it like meeting them for the first time?

I’m not even going to lie it was a little awkward. I was trying really hard to be closed off. I really put a lot into the couple before. Katy made it really easy. After that first meeting, it was still a little awkward, and I was a little closed off, but it just felt right still. The match really just fell into place. Over time I opened up to them more and our relationship grew closer. As we got closer to her birth, I was just kind of talking to Katy like she was my friend.

Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

It was my friend who also was there during the birth. She is adopted, her dad is not her biological dad. But she told me that she always completely viewed him as her dad regardless. That was the most helpful thing anybody ever told me. I just didn’t know how the baby would feel.

Lea was also supportive. Just her being her, she was great. I can’t say enough good things about Lea. She let me be myself and just let me talk how I would freely talk and completely understood. Her being so supportive made my experience so much easier.

Was there anyone who was not supportive of you and how did you handle it?

The dad was not supportive. I had friends around me who were very supportive about that. Both of them told me that it doesn’t matter what he wants because he doesn’t take care of my other children. That is what took me out of the loop of overthinking what he wanted. He has never been there for us.

How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

I didn’t know what to expect. I thought that children that were adopted were always traumatized. I didn’t think it could be a good thing. I thought that I would give them the baby and part ways and the baby would never know me and that I would be a mess. I thought that I would be in horrible pain about it.

Now actually going through the process and being matched with who I’ve matched with and embracing their beliefs of adoption has completely changed everything for me. Like I said, it is very open. Now I know how beautiful adoption can be. Their family is kind of merged with my family in a sense. I never thought that that could happen. I never thought it could be this beautiful and that I could have such a great relationship with my biological child’s mother. I didn’t think that it could be this great, it has been amazing!

What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

I think that the biggest surprise for me definitely is that I can still be a part of her life. The biggest reward for me is to see her have loving parents and extended family. Their entire extended family has been waiting for them to have a child. To see that their extended family loves her, and some haven’t even met her yet, is so rewarding. It makes me see that I did the right thing. I have three kids, they had no kids, and now they have a baby. Just seeing that and how beautiful that is, it feels so good to know that she will forever be loved and taken care of. She also has people who look like her in her family. That was important to me. It just all seems so perfect to know that she is going to have aunties who look like her and cousins who look like her.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

That it doesn’t have to be how you picture it. I pictured it as a closed adoption where I wouldn’t see her. I just want birth mothers to know how beautiful it can be. Not everybody sees that. I didn’t see that. I didn’t picture it being the way that it is now. I would tell birth moms to remain open throughout the process because things can surprise you.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

I want people to know that adoption isn’t just having a baby and giving it to a family and just leaving it at that. A lot of people think that they’re going to have a baby and then never have a relationship with the baby until they turn 18 and come looking. That is not how it has to be. If you and the adoptive parents are open to it, you can maintain a close relationship and the baby will always fully know exactly where they came from.

What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Beautiful, rewarding, and uniting because it brings people together.

"Adoption is beautiful" -Becca's Story

When did you place your child for adoption?

2019

How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?

Overwhelmed. I was not sure if I could take care of the baby because at the time I was going through a lot.

Why did you choose adoption? What was your process behind making that decision?

I chose adoption because I wanted my son to have a good life and get the care that he needed which I could not give him. You can give a child all the love in the world but that just is not enough.

Who was the most helpful and supportive person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

Hollie, my social worker at Adoptions of Wisconsin. She was absolutely amazing. The adoptive mother Delaney* was amazing too. She was there for me whenever she could be. She was there for me even at my doctor’s appointments. I couldn’t pick better parents for my son than Delaney and Steve*.

When did you know that Delaney and Steve were the people you wanted to parent your child?

I first connected with them about two weeks after I met with Hollie. About a week prior I connected with another couple and they were really cool but when I met with Delaney and Steve, I instantly knew they were the ones.  

What was it like to have your first experience meeting them?

It was nerve-wracking. I wasn’t sure at that point if adoption was exactly what I wanted to do. After meeting them and talking with them I realized that they were definitely going to be a good fit for my child. When I first met them it was instantaneous, I just knew they were the right fit. And even after, when Delaney and Steve went home, Steve mentioned something to Delaney along the lines of “This was meant to be. I feel like I have known her for years.” My experience meeting them was amazing and it made my decision a little bit easier even though it was still really hard. But I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing.

How would you describe the way that your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

Before I went through the adoption process myself, I had heard about adoption, but I always thought they were closed adoptions where I would not be able to still be a part of my son’s life. But when I sat down and talked to Hollie, I learned more information and I realized that there were other options. After talking to her I was more at ease with everything. When I learned about open adoption I remember feeling like wow, you guys are really trying to help both me and the adoptive parents since I would still be able to see my son.  

What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

I found out more about myself. I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. It gave me a new perspective on myself.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

It gets easier with time and you are making the right decision. You are putting your child above all of your feelings.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Yes, we are making a hard decision, but we are giving a family a chance to be parents. I mean there are so many people out there who aren’t able to have children, and this is their only way of doing that. It is beautiful.

What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Amazing, nerve-wracking, but also kind of peaceful. I mean you guys do an amazing job. I can’t thank you enough for just being there for me.

What was the most nerve-wracking part?

The unknown and especially meeting prospective adoptive parents. You are trying to give your child to them, but you don’t know what their personalities will be like or if they will be a good fit. 

Is there anything else that you would like to add?

The one thing I have always wanted to do is just get my story out there. Even if it just helps one birth mother who is going through this, and it helps her make the right decision, then that makes me happy. You know it is going to be hard no matter what but hearing stories from other women who have gone through this helps.

* Adoptive parents names have been changed.

"I loved working with AOW" -Karynna's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

2006.

When you found out you were pregnant how did you feel?

Scared.

What made you decide to choose adoption?

Well I was 16. I was not ready for a family. It was not my intention to get pregnant, but it happened, and I don’t believe in abortion. I weighed out a lot of pros and cons for keeping him or placing him for adoption. When there were more pros to adoption is when I ultimately chose to do adoption.

In the process of placing your child for adoption who would you say was the most helpful person?  

There was a couple of them. I worked with Claire Bergman. She helped me quite a bit. She would come up, take me to doctor’s appointments, she was a big support. If I needed someone to talk to, she’d be willing to talk. The other person would be my mother. She supported me through everything like if I was having a bad day or struggling emotionally. I was extremely grateful for both of them. My grandmother was supportive too.

Were there people who didn’t support you and who were they?

Some members of my family were not supportive. It was kind of hard and it hurt me. I was already going through a difficult time and it felt like even more negativity.

What did you do to deal with the people that weren’t supporting you?

I cut them out of my life. They are my family, so eventually I started talking to them again. My mom was the one who helped me the most with that negativity. She helped me to look at the positives instead of the negatives.

How has your perception of adoption changed before going through the adoption process?

I have always thought adoption is an amazing process. There are people who can’t have children and birth moms help couples like that form a family. Actually going through it I learned more about what the adoption process is like.

How did you choose the adoptive parents?

I met with two families. Something about my meeting with the first family felt off and I didn’t feel a connection with them. When I met with the adoptive parents I chose, the conversation was warm, inviting, bubbly, non-stop and it just felt right. After going through the process of picking a family I felt extremely grateful for where my son was going. I knew he was going to be loved and my son would be the stepping-stone for them to become a family. It makes me happy to know that I helped them become that family. The last month of my pregnancy was hard and uncomfortable. The adoptive parents sent me a care package and card which was really nice of them. They knew that the last month of a pregnancy could be rough. I still have the card.

What was it like going to school during your pregnancy?

I had my friends that I would hang out with. I became extremely close to them. They helped me through the pregnancy. Other than that I pretty much kept to myself.

What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

The thing that I always think about is them becoming a family. I am extremely grateful that I could be a part of that process and help them become the parents that they always wanted to be.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

If you are unsure of what you want in life or if you’re unsure of whether you want to go through the adoption process an adoption agency can support you. You can contact them and weigh out your options. There are open adoptions and you can still be a part of your child’s life and watch them grow up.

Did you choose open or closed adoption?

I chose closed but I told the adoptive family that if he ever starts asking questions about me or wants to know more about me then I’d like to build a relationship with him. It’s their choice and they can do whatever they want. But I would love to connect with him at some point, even if it is years from now.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

For me adoption opened my eyes to more than just somebody adopting a child. It helped me emotionally and it made me a stronger person. With adoption your child has a chance at life.

What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Open-minded. I had a really close relationship with Claire. When I was pregnant, I struggled for a little bit after I had him and I was still talking to Claire. She was extremely open-minded about everything. She seemed like she wanted to help, and she helped me a lot.

Giving. I say this because Claire took me shopping. At the time I couldn’t afford maternity clothes and Claire helped me buy some. It was really nice.

Caring. I thought I went into labor before I did, and I was in the birthing center of the hospital. Claire came which I thought was amazing and it showed me that she actually cared for my wellbeing. She patiently waited to see if I would go into labor or not.

Is there anything else that you want to share?

I just want to say how grateful I am for Adoptions of Wisconsin, not only for how they helped me while I was placing my son for adoption, but also for how they treated me as a birth mother. My friendship with Claire blossomed throughout the pregnancy and the overall experience was truly amazing. I loved working with Claire, I loved being able to talk to her and I still like keeping up with her over social media and seeing her updates. I loved working with AOW, I loved the process, and I feel blessed because they made my experience so much easier.

Holiday Gift-Giving Guide: Ways to Give Back to Your Child's Birth Mother

Birth mothers play a crucial role in the adoption process and the holiday season is one of the best times of year to connect with your child’s birth mother and to show your appreciation for their brave decision and invaluable contribution to your family. Many adoptive parents also enjoy choosing just the right meaningful and thoughtful gift.

In case you are looking for where to start, check out this useful list we’ve compiled!

1. Thank you letter

   A heartfelt thank you letter can be one of the best ways to show your child’s birth mother that she is valued and has a special place in your heart.

2. Flowers

   Especially during this season, a nice bouquet of flowers can certainly brighten a cold winter day.

3. Baked goods

   Whether you bake them yourself or buy them from a gourmet baker, yummy baked treats will almost always bring a smile.

4. Jewelry

   A nice keepsake piece to commemorate her special role in your family’s life is a perfect idea.

5. Books

   It is always a nice time to cozy up with a good book when the weather is frightful. A good suggestion is a book written for birth parents, such as Heart of a Birthmom by Terri Gake or Revealing You: A Journal for Birthmothers by Michelle Thorne. 

6. A little pampering

   Who doesn’t love a good spa day, massage, or manicure/pedicure, maybe with adoptive mom (or dad)?

7. Gift cards

   If you think they would prefer to do something solo, a gift card for any of the previous ideas or to their favorite store would be equally nice!

8. Subscriptions

   Here are just a few ideas… a subscription to a streaming service such as Netflix or Hulu, Audible (access to unlimited audiobooks), Calm (a sleep and meditation app), Scentbird (perfume), Adult and Craft (crafting box), Book of the Month, Coffee Club, Mouth (gourmet treats), and so on. 

We hope this list is helpful! Remember, showing our children’s birth mothers that we care and cherish their presence in our lives can go a long way this time of year, which can be especially challenging for birth parents. 

We wish you all the happiest of holidays!

Disclaimer: It should be noted that, under Wisconsin law, before the termination of parental rights, potential adoptive parents may not give a birth mother a gift exceeding $100 of value. See Wis. Stat. sec. 48.913(1)(m).

A Mom-To-Be's Mindset and Advice: Laura

Mother’s Day can be a real bear if you want to be a mom and aren’t. It starts in April every year: store ads, radio commercials, social media content, memes, and even watercooler talk. It snowballs into the one weekend when it feels like everyone is celebrating except you. It can be a lonely, sad place.

Maybe you feel that way too. And if you do, you’re not alone. So many of us have a hard time with Mother’s Day—it’s an emotional day for lots of people, though you might not know it if you didn’t have a pass into this unsought club.

My husband and I always wanted kids. When we learned that becoming parents was going to be far tougher than we ever realized, Mother’s Day became a day on the calendar day that I wanted to erase. Not because I don’t care about my mom—far from it, she’s great and absolutely worth celebrating – but because it just was too painful to feel like I was sitting out on the sidelines of some sport that I didn’t have a permission slip to join. It wasn’t a great place to be.

Starting the wild ride of the adoption process and being on the waiting family list has added another dimension to this upcoming holiday. I’ll admit it is still hard; however, instead of just the familiar stinging heartache, there is also a calm realization that we might be closer to this dream than we ever have been. Grief and sadness are being eclipsed by a feeling of hopeful gratitude.  Perhaps someone might recognize in us what I’ve known all along- that we have what it takes to be a really good, caring, and fun parents. I’m still waiting for that moment, but the thought that it will happen makes the month of May brighter.

One of the things that led to this journey was that an adoptive mom told me that her grueling, unsuccessful fertility treatments and losses, her heart was made whole after adopting her children. I too dream of finding those pieces and feeling that peace. I’m also thunderstruck by the understanding that, to become what I want to be, someone else has to make the decision not to become a parent, which is a humbling concept.

Maybe you feel like I have about this day for any number of reasons, or maybe you have a friend or family member who does. Over the years I have learned a couple lessons that have made it easier.

If you are wanting to be a mom and aren’t one yet, please go easy on yourself. Do what makes you feel best to get through that day. Remember that it’s one day of the year- there are lots of other good ones if this one feels bad or hard. Do something to feed your mind, your body, and your soul: some good food, a walk, a bath and a fun face mask, or a good book. Do something that will make you laugh, or play with a pet, or go see a movie. Go to a family event if you want to, but be prepared in case you need to leave early, and know that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Consider using social media sparingly, unless you’ve figured out better settings than me (in which case, please teach me!).

If it feels like the right thing, maybe take some steps toward fulfilling your dream, whatever it may be. The one thing that helped me the most was when we decided to adopt and started the process. We began our journey right before Mother’s Day last year and it made the holiday much more pleasant.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who wants to be a mom but isn’t yet, please be patient and kind to them on Mother’s Day. Respect their feelings and their wishes. If they can’t make it to a celebration that day, be understanding. If they need a laugh, help them find humor. If they need a shoulder to cry on, please be there without judgment or clichés. I’d suggest that you not tell your friend that their pets count as children or that you’ll give your kids to them because they are so naughty. Don’t tell them how much money they are saving by not having kids, or over-sympathize (For instance, sending a text that says “I think of you every year on this day and how awful it must be” – that sort of thing doesn’t inspire many great moments). And please don’t complain about how lame your family’s presents were (um, hello, we’d love that dandelion bouquet and that drawing of what might be a stick person and/or a cat!).

There are a lot of us in this club who struggle through Mother’s Day. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that your future contains all the things you are wishing for and peace for your heart.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Laura

A Waiting Mother's Perspective: Jess

“Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits bestowed upon us.”- Sheri L. Dew

Mother’s Day has taken on a number of meanings throughout the changing seasons in my life. As a child, I distinctly remember the sheer thrill of presenting my mother with a bouquet of dandelions and hand-written cards with backwards letters; it was a time to rejoice in the beauty of spring and the continued budding of the relationship formed between mother and daughter.  

As a young adult I began to wonder what it might be like to be celebrating another changing role—Me as a mother. I couldn’t wait to be on the receiving end of precious hand-written cards and other homemade assortments; to pay forward the beauty of the mother-daughter relationship I have been fortunate to develop throughout my life. I reflected on this experience with loving anticipation and excitement of what might be—a daughter, whose smile and dimples reflected my own.

Time raced on, as it does, and life threw me a curve ball in the form of fertility struggles in my late twenties. After a failed round of fertility treatments and a negative pregnancy test on Mother’s Day; it became clear that achieving parenthood was going to be an emotionally and physically draining obstacle course. Just as the seasons change, the second Sunday in May again took on a new meaning-- this time filled with the unique and raw pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that may never come.

Now, in my early thirties, I am a prospective adoptive mama and the meaning of Mother’s Day has yet again morphed. I have learned that this day of celebration takes on the meaning you give it. It is within my own power to focus on the positive. As I wait, I move forward with a grateful heart; I yearn to meet my child’s first mother--to know her, respect her, and honor her.  After all, without her, my vision of this special day, could never come to fruition.

To my future child, whom I already love with every cell in my body, know that as I anticipate receiving bouquets of dandelions and handcrafted macaroni necklaces, I do so patiently, with a joyful heart. I promise to find wonder in the wait and look forward to the changing definition of Mother’s Day your presence will bring.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Jess.