"They loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing." -Althea's Story
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When did you go through the adoption process?
I was actually adopted so I grew up with a lot of exposure to adoption and my family was very open about it. It was never something that we didn’t talk about. My brother was adopted too. I found out I was pregnant in 2019 when I was 17. I freaked out and set a timer on my phone for 2 hours. I was like I will give myself 2 hours to cry and then I’ll figure out what to do.
Later that night, I started thinking about different options, and I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website. I was looking through all of the waiting family pictures, and I found Dave* and Stacy’s* profile, and right away I was like oh my gosh, these are the parents. There was no hesitation, I just knew that they were the family I wanted to choose after seeing their profile and how active they were and how similar their lifestyle was to mine, and all of these super cool things that they had included. I also noticed that they posted that they didn’t have any concerns about the appearance of the child or skin color and that was super cool to have that pointed out because my parents are both white and I am African American and Puerto Rican. It was cool to see that no matter what color this child turns out it will work out.
So I went through the process when I was 17, I gave birth when I was 18. It was tricky. It was a challenge as a 17-year-old. I wanted to be in a bikini on a beach and be out doing 17-year-old things, but I committed to this decision. I actually met Dave and Stacy in-person early. I know that typically they wait until 20 weeks just because that’s the period of time in which they can confirm the viability of the pregnancy, but I met them early. I called Claire and was like hey, you know, here’s who I am, here’s what’s going on and I know that these are the parents. So we reached out early and they were there throughout the entire pregnancy. They came to all my appointments and made me little gift baskets. It was the most supportive, awesome relationship that I could have asked for.
What was it like when you first found out you were pregnant? How did you feel?
It was world-stopping. It was horrible and scary. It was the most oh crap moment I have ever had. I am a paramedic and the way we go about things in the EMS world is to jump into crisis management mode. So after my 2-hour timer, I was like okay it’s time to figure this out. Like 2 ½ hours after finding out I was pregnant, I came across AOW’s page and I thought it was perfect.
Once I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website the first thing that I looked at was waiting families. I knew the process, so I wanted to see what my options were. I remember looking at the other families and I almost felt sad that I wasn’t able to help them create a family too. I knew that it was the biggest gift I could give someone, to help them start a family, just like I was given parents by my birth mom. I was given the best parents that I could ask for, so it was so cool to do that for a family. But it made me feel sad for the other people that were waiting. I know that adoption is a process and some people wait for years. In the end, it was nice to know that I felt like I was making the right decision and I didn’t have to meet multiple families and pick between them. So that was awesome. But I also wished I could do it for other families too.
Why did you choose adoption?
I didn’t think that it was the right time for me to be a mom. Especially because I was in school. It didn’t align in my life and I knew I wouldn’t be a successful mom. I knew that he deserved more than I would be able to do for him. That was a huge factor. When I looked at the profiles of the adoptive families and saw what they would be able to offer the baby I knew that they could offer more than I could as a 17-year-old. My family was supportive, but there wouldn’t have been a good father so I would be doing it all alone which would have been horrible.
I still think about my decision to place him for adoption and I always will. It wasn’t hard for me to decide at the moment because I knew I wouldn’t be capable. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to raise a baby successfully was disappointing and I was ashamed of it. I knew people in my high school who were 15 and parented a baby and I would compare their situations with mine. Feeling like I wasn’t capable of being a mom was excruciating but then looking at it now it’s like yeah, I couldn’t parent, but these beautiful, lovely people are doing leaps and bounds further than I would have imagined they would, so that feels really good.
What was the experience meeting the adoptive parents like?
My mom came with me and she was like I want you to not be too enthusiastic in case it doesn’t work out. I walked into the agency and I saw them walking into the parking lot. Dave was so nervous. It was the sweetest thing. He was so nervous he was shaking. Stacy was shaking too. We sat down in the room and started talking. My mom had me write down a list of questions to ask them and so I started asking them questions and as I was talking to them more and more, I was like oh my gosh this is awesome. I remember at the end I told them that I wanted them to be the parents of the baby. That was the best feeling in the world, just being able to say that to them. I remember Dave started crying.
It was also helpful for me because I was 17, I had no interest in being pregnant, and once I was able to say to them that I wanted the baby to be their child I was able to view my pregnancy as me helping start a family. That ended up being how I got through the pregnancy. I had a ton of complications which was super scary. There were multiple times when my doctor thought that my pregnancy may not have been a good choice for me. But knowing that Stacy and Dave were the finish line sealed the deal for me and helped me get through the hard times.
How did your relationship with them change over the course of when you first met them, throughout your pregnancy, and to now?
Our relationship was awesome. From the start, our personalities meshed well. I think this was super important. As a birth mother, you need to be able to feel comfortable and confident around the parents that you chose to raise the child that you’re going to give birth to. That was very important to me. We were able to joke around and it was super fun. It was very respectful at first because I think that they were trying to figure out my boundaries and I was trying to figure out theirs. But I told them that they could come to any appointments that they wanted to. They came to every single one. Even blood work appointments. It even got to the point that they knew what kind of candy I liked like they would know I was craving something and give it to me. They also sent text messages checking in on how I was doing and asking if there was anything that they could do for me and letting me know that they hoped I was doing well. Our relationship slowly grew and grew and grew. By the end of my pregnancy, Dave and I were taking unofficial maternity photos together. Dave pushed out his stomach really far and then we’d take a picture together. It is my favorite picture, he’s standing with his back arched and his tummy out, it’s great.
The birthing process went well. I knew that these were Charlie’s* parents, so I wanted them to do skin-to-skin, be the first people to hold him, the first to feed him, and I wanted Charlie to go into their room. The other side of it is that it helped me somewhat disassociate from the pregnancy because I knew I wasn’t at all responsible after birth which was helpful for me. I knew that this child would have an emotional connection with these parents and have the best parents that I could ask for. So that also helped me not have as many negative feelings when I gave birth to him. There were also scary parts of the birth like Charlie had to have 911 NICU called for him because he was stunned when he came out. He wasn’t breathing or responding right away. That was terrifying for all of us. It felt like everything was slow motion and horrible and scary. The best part was seeing Dave hold him for the first time. It was the most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced, seeing him hold his son for the first time and seeing Stacy holding him and realizing that now they finally have their son.
They were very open and accepting of the idea of closed or open adoption. They told me they wanted to work with me, and they understood that it was a big gift that I was giving them. They wanted to respect what I wanted. Personally, I wanted to move on. Now we have a Google Drive where Stacy posts photos and it’s nice because I can turn my notifications off and just see it whenever I want to. She posts photos like every week, there are so many photos and it’s awesome. It’s sort of as needed as wanted.
Were there any negative feelings that you experienced after the baby’s birth?
I felt very angry. I felt upset that my body was acting like I just had a baby but there was no baby. That was very frustrating to me because I very adamantly wanted to give birth and move on. Having my body think there was a baby and act like there was felt very frustrating and emotional to me and that created sadness. Even now that is something that I struggle with. Like I obviously have had a baby and you can physically see that on my body which is frustrating to me. It can be hard. It’s a constant reminder that I had a baby and made an adoption plan.
I don’t think I ever felt sad or regretful about having made the adoption plan. There are many times when I will be in life and be like wow if I had my kid, he would be two now, I wouldn’t be able to be finishing college the way that I am, I wouldn’t be able to be traveling the way that I am. Knowing that he is in such a good place, I know that I wouldn’t have been a better parent. So I don’t really have sadness about making an adoption plan it’s more of the aftermath of going through something and then not having anything at the finish line. There was no trophy or award.
I actually planned a birth mother dinner and I did a lot of fundraising for birth moms to come and get pampered for a night. It was awesome. I had a massage person come, it was catered, and we did arts and crafts and shared our stories. It was a very healing environment and it was rewarding. It was a time and place where we didn’t feel guilty about saying that we were upset or sad. Being in a room of women and men, we had birth fathers too, that had experienced the same thing, it was awesome. I’m hoping to do it again.
Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?
My mom. She went through it with me. She came to all my appointments with me and scheduled appointments for me. She adjusted my work uniform for me so that I could wear it comfortably. She was the one who was in bed with me when I was crying at 2 am. My dad was the one running to the store at 2 am when I needed something. They were extremely supportive and lovely. My brother also. He was the first person I told that I was pregnant. He was extremely supportive and very light-hearted, and it meant so much to me that he was so accepting of my situation. There was no judgment from him at all. He was good at making jokes about the situation. It was great. I also had some support from my church.
Dave and Stacy were supportive too. But my main support system was my family. Just because we had different goals. Dave and Stacy’s goal was to adopt a baby and mine was to be healthy and take care of myself. Knowing that there was a difference in our goals was important for me. It is so important to have that support group of people in your corner that have your best interest as their primary goal.
Would you say that there was anyone in your life who didn’t support you during that time?
The father. He was horrible.
How did you get through that?
Claire was awesome. I had brought it up to her right away. Claire took care of it. She said she would be in contact with him and I didn’t even have to worry about it, and that I didn’t have to see him. Having Claire be the buffer between that was awesome. I felt like the entire agency was there for me. As much as their job is to pair birth mothers with adoptive parents, it felt like it was all about me. That was very clear to me from the beginning that everything was my choice. The adoption agency’s goal was to take care of birth moms and help birth moms and ensure that birth moms match with fitting adoptive parents. I know this is my side of it and I’m sure adoptive parents might have something different to say, but for me, it felt like the entire agency was in my corner. They helped me ensure that everything would be productive, and they supplied the information that I needed to make the choice to make an adoption plan. They made it so easy. Like Claire would come to my house and be like “hey sign this”, “this is what it means”, and would bring me coffee and then say “see you later!” It was awesome.
How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?
It was interesting to come full circle. It helped me as an adopted child understand why I was adopted. Every adopted child has that question, but I think that it helped me understand that it wasn’t at all that nobody wanted me. My birth mom just wasn’t ready to be a mom. I actually have been able to talk to some friends’ kids who are adopted and tell them from the experience of a birth mother that they were 100% loved. They loved you enough to make the right choice for you and to take care of you in a way that is extremely hard. It is the hardest choice a birth mother can make. As I like to say, they loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing.
I think it also just helped me realize that adoption can be casual. It doesn’t have to be scary or secret or something that we just don’t talk about. It doesn’t have to be something that you’re ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be anything that you feel uncomfortable with. That is something that I have recently grown into. When I was pregnant, I didn’t want anyone to know. But now that I am moving on in life, I have an awesome boyfriend who is super cool and fantastic and obviously, my experience with adoption is something we have to talk about and it’s just casual. It’s just part of my life and part of my story.
What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?
Seeing Dave hold Charlie was the biggest reward for me. It was literally watching a family be created. It was second by second watching a parent fall in love with a baby. It felt really good and obviously it was hard but once I was done, I was like I did that!
Also, I wasn’t forgotten by anyone which felt really good. When I was done giving birth, I was like I guess I’m not going to be able to talk to Claire anymore. But that was not the case at all. Claire still texts me and still checks in on me and even has asked me to speak to other birth moms about my story and offer support. I created a family through Adoptions of Wisconsin that I still have, and they are still people that three years later I know I can count on. If I need to talk to anyone about my feelings, they are 100% there to support me. Even three years later they let me know that they have a support group or a counselor. Claire has reached out multiple times and offered to get coffee with me. That has been really cool, to have that continued familial support from the agency.
Birth Mother’s Day is coming up. What do you want all birth mothers to know on this day?
I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they’re allowed to not celebrate it. They are allowed to make boundaries. They are allowed to let people know that they don’t have to partake in Birth Mother’s Day because that can reopen a wound. I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they can celebrate it however they need to. If that is a bad day for them then it is allowed to be a bad day. I also think it is an important day to reflect and look back at what you did and be proud and feel your emotions and do things like go and get your nails done and take care of yourself. It is a good day to remind you to look into your emotions, whether good or bad, and to take care of them.
If you could tell all birth mothers something what would you tell them?
The number one thing I would want all birth mothers to know is that their decision needs to be their choice, they need to know that they are in charge and they call the shots. I would tell them it’s your show, you’re the star of it, ask for what you need, don’t be quiet about your needs or ashamed about them, and make sure to take care of yourself.
Also, for birth moms that place through Adoptions of Wisconsin, AOW will always be there. They will always be a resource. In general, to other birth mothers, I would tell them to use the resources of whatever agency they place through. I know that Adoptions of Wisconsin is a special and rare agency. I have heard a lot of stories and done research and I personally haven’t heard of any other agencies that will answer your calls at 2 am when you’re crying and just need to talk to somebody. Every single case worker was awesome. Knowing that they are in it for the same reasons that you are is awesome.
What do you want the world to know about adoption?
I want people to know that every story is different and that it is so important to respect people’s stories and respect boundaries. I think it is best to ask questions because that is better than being quiet and making assumptions. At the same time, different birth mothers have different levels of openness about their experience and their boundaries need to be respected.
Adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents are part of a special and cherished adoption community. I think everybody knows someone who is adopted or has experienced encountering someone whose been on either side of the process, even if they don’t know it. I think it’s important to understand that every story is different. And adoption creates families! I think a lot of people don’t think of it because many people are able to give birth to their own children and so I think people often forget that it is even a choice. I think that it should be a little more normalized than it is. People can be very hush-hush about it.
What are three words you would use to describe your experience with adoption?
Tender, emotional, and proud.
*Adoptive parents and baby’s name have been changed.
