Part Two: Katy & Peter's Story

Katy, Peter, and Grace

What was it like waiting for a placement?

Peter: Not fun!

Katy: It felt like it took forever. We were listed for about two years. Claire had told us that was longer than normal.

Peter: We also got put on the site and registered just as COVID hit. Like a month or two before.

Katy: Yeah, our profile was posted on the website in February of 2020.

What was your mindset like during the wait?

Peter: I believed that we would get matched eventually and understood that it was due to the pandemic that we were waiting so long. We were just starting to switch to going with a national agency because it had been two years and we had only gotten three potential hits.

Katy: For the three, we had met with one birth mother and she picked another couple. Then we were contacted about a baby who was sick, and it became apparent that the baby would be too sick for us to handle. We both thought that that baby deserved somebody who could give that baby the best life possible, and that was not us. Then there was another situation where another couple got picked over us. I was super discouraged.

Peter: We were in the process of going with a national agency when we got a call from AOW about a new potential placement. We were going to the Home Expo show. Katy took the call when I was getting our tickets and when I came back, she was crying.

What would you say was the hardest part of the adoption process if you could point to one thing?

Katy: Waiting, for me. Because we had started trying to have a kid almost seven years ago at this point. So emotionally for me, it wasn’t just that we had been waiting to get matched for two years, it was years of it building up.

Peter: Also, not knowing if we were waiting so long because there were not many birth moms or if we were passed over.

Katy: Like did people just not like us?  Those are all the places that your head starts to go to.

What was it like being told that an expectant mother wanted to meet you?

Katy: For me my first impulse was “Oh god is she going to like us? Are we going to get picked?”

Peter: I was not as nervous as Katy because with Torie they told us ahead of time that she liked us. The first time we met a birth mom I was pretty nervous.

Katy: With that first time, part of it was that we never met or talked with a birth mom before so we had no idea how it would go.

What was it like meeting Torie for the first time?

Katy: Claire had sent us an email saying that there was a potential match and gave us the information. Then later, in January, we got a phone call saying that Torie wanted to meet us.

Peter: We had three months to prepare for an incoming baby! The first time we met her was in the Adoptions of Wisconsin office.

Katy: Claire and Lea were there. I was nervous. I was afraid that we were going to meet her and get told no again.

Peter: For me, I was less nervous than when we met with the first birth mom back in 2020 because we had been told that Torie felt drawn to our profile so it seemed like it wasn’t as much that she was choosing between many families but more so seeing if we checked out. Seeing Katy and Torie become so friendly so fast was also a big relief.

Katy: We thought about what we wanted to ask her during the meeting beforehand. Peter kept track of that, and I was just nervous!

After meeting her when did she tell you that she wanted you two to be the parents?

Katy: She kind of told us in that meeting. We didn’t say yes when Torie was in the room during the meeting. Peter and I, it doesn’t matter what kind of decision it is, but we talk to each other privately before we say yes to anything. We basically just looked at each other and went “yes!” Being told that Tori wanted us to parent felt absolutely amazing after waiting for so long.

Peter: And a bit terrifying since it was three months until she was due!

What was it like after Torie told you both that she wanted you to parent and until Grace was born?

Katy: It started out that we would take Torie to her prenatal appointments. In the course of going to these appointments with her, we started to just talk in a more relaxed way instead of being so formal and we got really comfortable with her.

Peter: We visited her family, and she came over to our house and talked with my parents over a phone call, since they live in Florida, and she met Katy’s parents who immediately showed her all the pictures of all of our extended family.  

Katy: We also met with Torie’s three boys and her mom and dad. We basically took the time to get to know each other.

How did you decide what kind of adoption plan you wanted?

Peter: We had previously talked about how we wanted a birth mother to have a relationship with us similarly to if they were just like a grandparent. Like they could see the child as often as a grandparent would if they wanted to.

Katy: Like if Torie wants to come and visit Grace and if one of us isn’t absurdly busy, then yes! So after we took Grace home from the hospital Torie would stop by once a week and she would bring breast milk that she had been pumping and hold Grace and get to spend some time with her. That doesn’t happen as often now and part of that is because we are in the less intense baby phase. Torie is now back to work, spending time with her boys, and has now healed physically from giving birth. But Torie and I still talk often, we were just texting this weekend.

Peter: We have an App called Family Album where we share photos of Grace so Torie and all of our extended family can see it.

Katy: Even before we met Torie, we had wanted an adoption with at least some degree of openness. One of Peter’s younger cousins is adopted and has an open adoption plan. Now she is in her 20s and she will go on vacation with her biological sister even though they didn’t grow up in the same house. She still gets to have that relationship with her biological sister which I thought was really important. We have also heard stories about closed adoptions being hard for adoptees because they have so many questions. Even though we were hoping for an open adoption, we were willing to be matched with a birth mom who didn’t want that. What we have with Torie is just fantastic. It is so amazing. We also know that our adoption plan is flexible. If things change in the future like if someone moves or something, we still plan to stay in touch.

Peter: After Grace’s birth her biological brothers came by with Torie to visit.

Katy: At first, they were really shy but then they got comfortable and had lots of fun playing with Peter! Our relationship with Torie has just worked out to be so fantastic. It’s just beautiful.

What was it like meeting Grace for the very first time?

Katy: It was fantastic! And not exactly the way we planned because Grace had her own ideas.

Peter: The doctor was about to give Torie the epidural and then Grace decided to appear right then.

Katy: The original plan was that when the doctors told Torie it was time to push, I would come into the room and be there when Grace was actually born. After they check to make sure everything was okay with Torie and the baby, then Peter would get to come in and cut the cord. Well, Grace did not do any of that according to plan. But it was absolutely magical to get to hold her for the first time. It just felt right. Peter did get to come in the room after they made sure Torie and Grace were okay. The doctors had to cut the cord first for medical reasons, but there was still a tail, so Peter got to trim it. Then when they did the footprints, we had a canvass as well and got her footprints put on there. Then when her biological brothers came over to meet her, we put their thumbprints on the canvas with their names, so she’ll have that too.

Do you have any advice that you’d give waiting families?

Katy: Waiting was incredibly, incredibly difficult. But if we would have gotten matched before we wouldn’t have the amazing relationship that we have with Torie now.

Peter: You have to be willing to take risks and put yourself out there. Be willing to be flexible with what your idealized adoption plan is.

Katy: And realize that you can’t control everything. In adoption, or parenting in general, you build up an idealized picture of what it is going to be like, but I learned that you need to let go a little. This isn’t exactly what I pictured but I wouldn’t change anything.  

Peter: I would also say be willing to learn and explore as well.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

Katy: Adoption doesn’t have to be an end. It can be a beginning of a new phase. Specifically for an open adoption, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story between a birth mother and a child. Historically, it really has been that way and it has done a lot of damage. So I want people to know that it can be positive, it doesn’t have to be the end, it can be new beginnings if you want to make it that way.

Peter: Also, birth mothers are not placing their children because they don’t care about the baby. They want what is best for the baby.

Katy: Yeah, it seems like there is a lot of stigma around being a birth mother and I think that is so deeply unfair to birth moms. They are making a choice that they feel is the best for the child they’re having. I think it is really unfair when other people make harsh judgments about that.

What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Peter: Boredom with terrifying beauty at the end.

Katy: Boredom because you spend so much time waiting and preparing and then terrifying beauty because the birth of the child and matching with Torie was beautiful but also terrifying because you are responsible for that tiny life now and she is totally dependent on you! I agree with Peter, but I would say beautiful, work, and worth it.

Is there anything that you’d like to share that we haven’t covered yet?

Katy: I just want to say how awesome Torie is. Torie and I really hit it off and I think it will be to Grace’s eternal benefit. When we met Torie, it was so clear that she was trying to do the absolute best for Grace. She was doing everything in her power to do that.

Peter: And that Adoptions of Wisconsin really helped us throughout the whole process.

Holiday Gift-Giving Guide: Ways to Give Back to Your Child's Birth Mother

Birth mothers play a crucial role in the adoption process and the holiday season is one of the best times of year to connect with your child’s birth mother and to show your appreciation for their brave decision and invaluable contribution to your family. Many adoptive parents also enjoy choosing just the right meaningful and thoughtful gift.

In case you are looking for where to start, check out this useful list we’ve compiled!

1. Thank you letter

   A heartfelt thank you letter can be one of the best ways to show your child’s birth mother that she is valued and has a special place in your heart.

2. Flowers

   Especially during this season, a nice bouquet of flowers can certainly brighten a cold winter day.

3. Baked goods

   Whether you bake them yourself or buy them from a gourmet baker, yummy baked treats will almost always bring a smile.

4. Jewelry

   A nice keepsake piece to commemorate her special role in your family’s life is a perfect idea.

5. Books

   It is always a nice time to cozy up with a good book when the weather is frightful. A good suggestion is a book written for birth parents, such as Heart of a Birthmom by Terri Gake or Revealing You: A Journal for Birthmothers by Michelle Thorne. 

6. A little pampering

   Who doesn’t love a good spa day, massage, or manicure/pedicure, maybe with adoptive mom (or dad)?

7. Gift cards

   If you think they would prefer to do something solo, a gift card for any of the previous ideas or to their favorite store would be equally nice!

8. Subscriptions

   Here are just a few ideas… a subscription to a streaming service such as Netflix or Hulu, Audible (access to unlimited audiobooks), Calm (a sleep and meditation app), Scentbird (perfume), Adult and Craft (crafting box), Book of the Month, Coffee Club, Mouth (gourmet treats), and so on. 

We hope this list is helpful! Remember, showing our children’s birth mothers that we care and cherish their presence in our lives can go a long way this time of year, which can be especially challenging for birth parents. 

We wish you all the happiest of holidays!

Disclaimer: It should be noted that, under Wisconsin law, before the termination of parental rights, potential adoptive parents may not give a birth mother a gift exceeding $100 of value. See Wis. Stat. sec. 48.913(1)(m).

A Mom-To-Be's Mindset and Advice: Laura

Mother’s Day can be a real bear if you want to be a mom and aren’t. It starts in April every year: store ads, radio commercials, social media content, memes, and even watercooler talk. It snowballs into the one weekend when it feels like everyone is celebrating except you. It can be a lonely, sad place.

Maybe you feel that way too. And if you do, you’re not alone. So many of us have a hard time with Mother’s Day—it’s an emotional day for lots of people, though you might not know it if you didn’t have a pass into this unsought club.

My husband and I always wanted kids. When we learned that becoming parents was going to be far tougher than we ever realized, Mother’s Day became a day on the calendar day that I wanted to erase. Not because I don’t care about my mom—far from it, she’s great and absolutely worth celebrating – but because it just was too painful to feel like I was sitting out on the sidelines of some sport that I didn’t have a permission slip to join. It wasn’t a great place to be.

Starting the wild ride of the adoption process and being on the waiting family list has added another dimension to this upcoming holiday. I’ll admit it is still hard; however, instead of just the familiar stinging heartache, there is also a calm realization that we might be closer to this dream than we ever have been. Grief and sadness are being eclipsed by a feeling of hopeful gratitude.  Perhaps someone might recognize in us what I’ve known all along- that we have what it takes to be a really good, caring, and fun parents. I’m still waiting for that moment, but the thought that it will happen makes the month of May brighter.

One of the things that led to this journey was that an adoptive mom told me that her grueling, unsuccessful fertility treatments and losses, her heart was made whole after adopting her children. I too dream of finding those pieces and feeling that peace. I’m also thunderstruck by the understanding that, to become what I want to be, someone else has to make the decision not to become a parent, which is a humbling concept.

Maybe you feel like I have about this day for any number of reasons, or maybe you have a friend or family member who does. Over the years I have learned a couple lessons that have made it easier.

If you are wanting to be a mom and aren’t one yet, please go easy on yourself. Do what makes you feel best to get through that day. Remember that it’s one day of the year- there are lots of other good ones if this one feels bad or hard. Do something to feed your mind, your body, and your soul: some good food, a walk, a bath and a fun face mask, or a good book. Do something that will make you laugh, or play with a pet, or go see a movie. Go to a family event if you want to, but be prepared in case you need to leave early, and know that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Consider using social media sparingly, unless you’ve figured out better settings than me (in which case, please teach me!).

If it feels like the right thing, maybe take some steps toward fulfilling your dream, whatever it may be. The one thing that helped me the most was when we decided to adopt and started the process. We began our journey right before Mother’s Day last year and it made the holiday much more pleasant.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who wants to be a mom but isn’t yet, please be patient and kind to them on Mother’s Day. Respect their feelings and their wishes. If they can’t make it to a celebration that day, be understanding. If they need a laugh, help them find humor. If they need a shoulder to cry on, please be there without judgment or clichés. I’d suggest that you not tell your friend that their pets count as children or that you’ll give your kids to them because they are so naughty. Don’t tell them how much money they are saving by not having kids, or over-sympathize (For instance, sending a text that says “I think of you every year on this day and how awful it must be” – that sort of thing doesn’t inspire many great moments). And please don’t complain about how lame your family’s presents were (um, hello, we’d love that dandelion bouquet and that drawing of what might be a stick person and/or a cat!).

There are a lot of us in this club who struggle through Mother’s Day. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that your future contains all the things you are wishing for and peace for your heart.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Laura

A Waiting Mother's Perspective: Jess

“Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits bestowed upon us.”- Sheri L. Dew

Mother’s Day has taken on a number of meanings throughout the changing seasons in my life. As a child, I distinctly remember the sheer thrill of presenting my mother with a bouquet of dandelions and hand-written cards with backwards letters; it was a time to rejoice in the beauty of spring and the continued budding of the relationship formed between mother and daughter.  

As a young adult I began to wonder what it might be like to be celebrating another changing role—Me as a mother. I couldn’t wait to be on the receiving end of precious hand-written cards and other homemade assortments; to pay forward the beauty of the mother-daughter relationship I have been fortunate to develop throughout my life. I reflected on this experience with loving anticipation and excitement of what might be—a daughter, whose smile and dimples reflected my own.

Time raced on, as it does, and life threw me a curve ball in the form of fertility struggles in my late twenties. After a failed round of fertility treatments and a negative pregnancy test on Mother’s Day; it became clear that achieving parenthood was going to be an emotionally and physically draining obstacle course. Just as the seasons change, the second Sunday in May again took on a new meaning-- this time filled with the unique and raw pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that may never come.

Now, in my early thirties, I am a prospective adoptive mama and the meaning of Mother’s Day has yet again morphed. I have learned that this day of celebration takes on the meaning you give it. It is within my own power to focus on the positive. As I wait, I move forward with a grateful heart; I yearn to meet my child’s first mother--to know her, respect her, and honor her.  After all, without her, my vision of this special day, could never come to fruition.

To my future child, whom I already love with every cell in my body, know that as I anticipate receiving bouquets of dandelions and handcrafted macaroni necklaces, I do so patiently, with a joyful heart. I promise to find wonder in the wait and look forward to the changing definition of Mother’s Day your presence will bring.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Jess.