Insights and Advice from Claire Schulz Bergman’s 17 Years of Experience Working in Adoption

Although Claire has since retired from her position as the Executive Director, her lasting contributions to Adoptions of Wisconsin, Inc. are more than worthy of further recognition and praise. Caroline, one of our social workers, interviewed Claire to learn more about her experience and what inspired her to dedicate her career to social work in adoption. She shared invaluable insights and advice regarding adoption. Here’s what she had to say.

What sparked your interest in working in adoption?

I have adopted siblings and I wanted a job in social work that was meaningful and where I could tangibly see that my work mattered.

How long have you worked with Adoptions of Wisconsin?

Seventeen years.

What is your favorite thing about your job?

I really appreciate being invited into a person’s life during a very challenging period. I especially enjoy helping expectant birth parents make a plan that they can own and is empowering to them.

What is a misconception about adoption that you wish did not exist?

Adoption is not giving up on your child. Adoption is making the best, thoughtful decision with the information that you have at the moment to plan for your child. For adoptive families, it is not a second-best way to create a family it is just a different way to create a family.

What do you think is perpetuating those misconceptions?

I think that for expectant parents considering adoption, there’s a lot of pressure to parent because “you made your own bed, now you need to sleep in it” (i.e., you got yourself pregnant, now you have to deal with the consequences). This assumes that any decision other than parenting is “the easy way out.” This is incredibly untrue. Placing a baby is hard. It takes a lot of maturity, thoughtfulness and trust. Birth parents place their child for adoption because they believe it is the right choice for their child and themselves. So many people have an opinion on this but the only opinion that truly matters is the birth parents. Women must learn to trust themselves and when this happens, anything is possible.  The messaging around adoption being an empowering choice has not been the one that has been more consistently spread by society. The message is more focused on rhetoric about “giving your baby up”. This narrative is untrue and harmful. 

What do you think can be done to stop those misconceptions?

If birth parents were empowered to feel good about their decision and if they spoke out about it, then people would see that it is just another choice that you make for your life and there’s less stigma around it. At the same time, birth parents are not the only ones that need to speak up. The burden should not be placed on them to change the narrative. It is important for all people to speak up whenever they hear damaging statements about adoption. 

How can we empower birth parents?

We can start using language that is positive for adoption. Instead of “giving up” use “placing” and understand that this is in no way “giving up” it’s investing in the lives of the child and the birth parent(s). We can start admiring birth parents for their difficult choices and recognize that placing a child for adoption is not “selfish”. We can honor birth parents by truly acknowledging that this decision is their choice. It is not right or wrong. It is just one of the many hard decisions people are faced with.

What are other ways we can support birth moms to feel more comfortable about their decisions?

I think if we just openly talked about women’s rights and reproduction without any kind of stigma around it at all and women’s empowerment then women would feel empowered to make the best choice for themselves and their baby. Instead they are conditioned to feel shame for their choices and look to outside opinions instead of looking inside and determining what is right for them. So in my work I encourage all parents, adoptive and birth parents, to really make the choice that feels the best for them, not based on what anybody else thinks but on what they think.

What would you like to tell all birth mothers or birth parents?

That adoption is a very difficult choice, but it is a loving choice and if it is something that they choose, and if they move forward and go through with it then they can do anything.

What would you like to tell all adoptive families?

To respect the birth mom in a way that is more than just on paper. And to not be afraid of openness. A birth mom who moves forward terminating her parental rights so you can adopt her child, is not going to just show up on your doorstep one day and want to be the child’s parent. She is choosing you for this. It is in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption so don’t be scared about it.

Why is it in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption?

Because the more they know about where they came from the more they are going to grow up in a very healthy way. This includes:

• Identity– Open adoption provides adopted children with the ability to answer identity questions that they may not have answers to otherwise.

• May lessen a sense of abandonment – having the ability to talk to a birth parent, may help the child understand the reasons behind being place for adoption and lessen a sense of abandonment from his/her birth family.

• Child will have medical history – many people who were adopted in a closed situation do not have medical information that is available to children in open adoptions.

What are other ways to respect a birth mom besides openness?

Speak positively about a birth parent no matter what the situation is. Don’t share a birth parent’s life story with everyone around you because that is their story to tell and the child’s story to tell. But be very open with the child about the birth parents’ story because it is necessary for the child to know accurately what went into the decision to place the baby for adoption. But don’t share it with all of your extended family and friends because it is not helpful, for example, for the child to find out from Cousin Jane that their mom was addicted to drugs. They should be finding that out from you or from the birth mom.

What would you like to tell all adoptees?

You have a right to know your biological history and if you are at all interested you have a right to search. You have a right to ask your adoptive parents about your birth history and don’t be afraid to ask about it.

What does it mean to use positive adoption language?

Positive adoption language talks positively about adoption. It talks about placement rather than giving up. It takes the word adopted out and instead of natural baby and adopted baby it is just your baby.

What do you think makes this agency an ethical adoption agency?

I think this agency is a great adoption agency because we are very inclusive. We serve all sorts of families. We provide excellent counseling to both expectant parents and adoptive parents. We care about your family both expected and adopted. We are small so we can respond to questions and inquiries quickly and we are very hands-on with our expectant parents.

What is the agency working on doing better to support people?

We are working on figuring out how to better support adoptive parents when they are waiting through waiting families’ groups and just information that we give out or checking in periodically. For birth parents or expectant parents we are constantly looking for resources to connect with as far as peer support and other positive adoption support and we also are very supportive of an expectant parent choosing to parent and we will connect that person with whatever resources might be helpful in her parenting plan.

What is your favorite thing about working at Adoptions of Wisconsin agency?

It is small and we are very caring women. We are a woman run agency that is local and is empowering for women.

"They loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing." -Althea's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

I was actually adopted so I grew up with a lot of exposure to adoption and my family was very open about it. It was never something that we didn’t talk about. My brother was adopted too. I found out I was pregnant in 2019 when I was 17. I freaked out and set a timer on my phone for 2 hours. I was like I will give myself 2 hours to cry and then I’ll figure out what to do.

Later that night, I started thinking about different options, and I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website. I was looking through all of the waiting family pictures, and I found Dave* and Stacy’s* profile, and right away I was like oh my gosh, these are the parents. There was no hesitation, I just knew that they were the family I wanted to choose after seeing their profile and how active they were and how similar their lifestyle was to mine, and all of these super cool things that they had included. I also noticed that they posted that they didn’t have any concerns about the appearance of the child or skin color and that was super cool to have that pointed out because my parents are both white and I am African American and Puerto Rican. It was cool to see that no matter what color this child turns out it will work out.

So I went through the process when I was 17, I gave birth when I was 18. It was tricky. It was a challenge as a 17-year-old. I wanted to be in a bikini on a beach and be out doing 17-year-old things, but I committed to this decision. I actually met Dave and Stacy in-person early. I know that typically they wait until 20 weeks just because that’s the period of time in which they can confirm the viability of the pregnancy, but I met them early. I called Claire and was like hey, you know, here’s who I am, here’s what’s going on and I know that these are the parents. So we reached out early and they were there throughout the entire pregnancy. They came to all my appointments and made me little gift baskets. It was the most supportive, awesome relationship that I could have asked for.

What was it like when you first found out you were pregnant? How did you feel?

It was world-stopping. It was horrible and scary. It was the most oh crap moment I have ever had. I am a paramedic and the way we go about things in the EMS world is to jump into crisis management mode. So after my 2-hour timer, I was like okay it’s time to figure this out. Like 2 ½ hours after finding out I was pregnant, I came across AOW’s page and I thought it was perfect.

Once I found the Adoptions of Wisconsin website the first thing that I looked at was waiting families. I knew the process, so I wanted to see what my options were. I remember looking at the other families and I almost felt sad that I wasn’t able to help them create a family too. I knew that it was the biggest gift I could give someone, to help them start a family, just like I was given parents by my birth mom. I was given the best parents that I could ask for, so it was so cool to do that for a family. But it made me feel sad for the other people that were waiting. I know that adoption is a process and some people wait for years. In the end, it was nice to know that I felt like I was making the right decision and I didn’t have to meet multiple families and pick between them. So that was awesome. But I also wished I could do it for other families too.  

Why did you choose adoption?

I didn’t think that it was the right time for me to be a mom. Especially because I was in school. It didn’t align in my life and I knew I wouldn’t be a successful mom. I knew that he deserved more than I would be able to do for him. That was a huge factor. When I looked at the profiles of the adoptive families and saw what they would be able to offer the baby I knew that they could offer more than I could as a 17-year-old. My family was supportive, but there wouldn’t have been a good father so I would be doing it all alone which would have been horrible.

I still think about my decision to place him for adoption and I always will. It wasn’t hard for me to decide at the moment because I knew I wouldn’t be capable. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to raise a baby successfully was disappointing and I was ashamed of it. I knew people in my high school who were 15 and parented a baby and I would compare their situations with mine. Feeling like I wasn’t capable of being a mom was excruciating but then looking at it now it’s like yeah, I couldn’t parent, but these beautiful, lovely people are doing leaps and bounds further than I would have imagined they would, so that feels really good.

What was the experience meeting the adoptive parents like?

My mom came with me and she was like I want you to not be too enthusiastic in case it doesn’t work out. I walked into the agency and I saw them walking into the parking lot. Dave was so nervous. It was the sweetest thing. He was so nervous he was shaking. Stacy was shaking too. We sat down in the room and started talking. My mom had me write down a list of questions to ask them and so I started asking them questions and as I was talking to them more and more, I was like oh my gosh this is awesome. I remember at the end I told them that I wanted them to be the parents of the baby. That was the best feeling in the world, just being able to say that to them. I remember Dave started crying.

It was also helpful for me because I was 17, I had no interest in being pregnant, and once I was able to say to them that I wanted the baby to be their child I was able to view my pregnancy as me helping start a family. That ended up being how I got through the pregnancy. I had a ton of complications which was super scary. There were multiple times when my doctor thought that my pregnancy may not have been a good choice for me. But knowing that Stacy and Dave were the finish line sealed the deal for me and helped me get through the hard times.

How did your relationship with them change over the course of when you first met them, throughout your pregnancy, and to now?

Our relationship was awesome. From the start, our personalities meshed well. I think this was super important. As a birth mother, you need to be able to feel comfortable and confident around the parents that you chose to raise the child that you’re going to give birth to. That was very important to me. We were able to joke around and it was super fun. It was very respectful at first because I think that they were trying to figure out my boundaries and I was trying to figure out theirs. But I told them that they could come to any appointments that they wanted to. They came to every single one. Even blood work appointments. It even got to the point that they knew what kind of candy I liked like they would know I was craving something and give it to me. They also sent text messages checking in on how I was doing and asking if there was anything that they could do for me and letting me know that they hoped I was doing well. Our relationship slowly grew and grew and grew. By the end of my pregnancy, Dave and I were taking unofficial maternity photos together. Dave pushed out his stomach really far and then we’d take a picture together. It is my favorite picture, he’s standing with his back arched and his tummy out, it’s great.

The birthing process went well. I knew that these were Charlie’s* parents, so I wanted them to do skin-to-skin, be the first people to hold him, the first to feed him, and I wanted Charlie to go into their room. The other side of it is that it helped me somewhat disassociate from the pregnancy because I knew I wasn’t at all responsible after birth which was helpful for me. I knew that this child would have an emotional connection with these parents and have the best parents that I could ask for. So that also helped me not have as many negative feelings when I gave birth to him. There were also scary parts of the birth like Charlie had to have 911 NICU called for him because he was stunned when he came out. He wasn’t breathing or responding right away. That was terrifying for all of us. It felt like everything was slow motion and horrible and scary. The best part was seeing Dave hold him for the first time. It was the most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced, seeing him hold his son for the first time and seeing Stacy holding him and realizing that now they finally have their son.

They were very open and accepting of the idea of closed or open adoption. They told me they wanted to work with me, and they understood that it was a big gift that I was giving them. They wanted to respect what I wanted. Personally, I wanted to move on. Now we have a Google Drive where Stacy posts photos and it’s nice because I can turn my notifications off and just see it whenever I want to. She posts photos like every week, there are so many photos and it’s awesome. It’s sort of as needed as wanted.

Were there any negative feelings that you experienced after the baby’s birth?

I felt very angry. I felt upset that my body was acting like I just had a baby but there was no baby. That was very frustrating to me because I very adamantly wanted to give birth and move on. Having my body think there was a baby and act like there was felt very frustrating and emotional to me and that created sadness. Even now that is something that I struggle with. Like I obviously have had a baby and you can physically see that on my body which is frustrating to me. It can be hard. It’s a constant reminder that I had a baby and made an adoption plan.

I don’t think I ever felt sad or regretful about having made the adoption plan. There are many times when I will be in life and be like wow if I had my kid, he would be two now, I wouldn’t be able to be finishing college the way that I am, I wouldn’t be able to be traveling the way that I am. Knowing that he is in such a good place, I know that I wouldn’t have been a better parent. So I don’t really have sadness about making an adoption plan it’s more of the aftermath of going through something and then not having anything at the finish line. There was no trophy or award.

I actually planned a birth mother dinner and I did a lot of fundraising for birth moms to come and get pampered for a night. It was awesome. I had a massage person come, it was catered, and we did arts and crafts and shared our stories. It was a very healing environment and it was rewarding. It was a time and place where we didn’t feel guilty about saying that we were upset or sad. Being in a room of women and men, we had birth fathers too, that had experienced the same thing, it was awesome. I’m hoping to do it again. 

Who was the most helpful person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

My mom. She went through it with me. She came to all my appointments with me and scheduled appointments for me. She adjusted my work uniform for me so that I could wear it comfortably. She was the one who was in bed with me when I was crying at 2 am. My dad was the one running to the store at 2 am when I needed something. They were extremely supportive and lovely. My brother also. He was the first person I told that I was pregnant. He was extremely supportive and very light-hearted, and it meant so much to me that he was so accepting of my situation. There was no judgment from him at all. He was good at making jokes about the situation. It was great. I also had some support from my church.

Dave and Stacy were supportive too. But my main support system was my family. Just because we had different goals. Dave and Stacy’s goal was to adopt a baby and mine was to be healthy and take care of myself. Knowing that there was a difference in our goals was important for me. It is so important to have that support group of people in your corner that have your best interest as their primary goal.

Would you say that there was anyone in your life who didn’t support you during that time?

The father. He was horrible.

How did you get through that?

Claire was awesome. I had brought it up to her right away. Claire took care of it. She said she would be in contact with him and I didn’t even have to worry about it, and that I didn’t have to see him. Having Claire be the buffer between that was awesome. I felt like the entire agency was there for me. As much as their job is to pair birth mothers with adoptive parents, it felt like it was all about me. That was very clear to me from the beginning that everything was my choice. The adoption agency’s goal was to take care of birth moms and help birth moms and ensure that birth moms match with fitting adoptive parents. I know this is my side of it and I’m sure adoptive parents might have something different to say, but for me, it felt like the entire agency was in my corner. They helped me ensure that everything would be productive, and they supplied the information that I needed to make the choice to make an adoption plan. They made it so easy. Like Claire would come to my house and be like “hey sign this”, “this is what it means”, and would bring me coffee and then say “see you later!” It was awesome.

How has your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

It was interesting to come full circle. It helped me as an adopted child understand why I was adopted. Every adopted child has that question, but I think that it helped me understand that it wasn’t at all that nobody wanted me. My birth mom just wasn’t ready to be a mom. I actually have been able to talk to some friends’ kids who are adopted and tell them from the experience of a birth mother that they were 100% loved. They loved you enough to make the right choice for you and to take care of you in a way that is extremely hard. It is the hardest choice a birth mother can make. As I like to say, they loved you so much that they decided to do the hard thing.

I think it also just helped me realize that adoption can be casual. It doesn’t have to be scary or secret or something that we just don’t talk about. It doesn’t have to be something that you’re ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be anything that you feel uncomfortable with. That is something that I have recently grown into. When I was pregnant, I didn’t want anyone to know. But now that I am moving on in life, I have an awesome boyfriend who is super cool and fantastic and obviously, my experience with adoption is something we have to talk about and it’s just casual. It’s just part of my life and part of my story.

What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

Seeing Dave hold Charlie was the biggest reward for me. It was literally watching a family be created. It was second by second watching a parent fall in love with a baby. It felt really good and obviously it was hard but once I was done, I was like I did that!

Also, I wasn’t forgotten by anyone which felt really good. When I was done giving birth, I was like I guess I’m not going to be able to talk to Claire anymore. But that was not the case at all. Claire still texts me and still checks in on me and even has asked me to speak to other birth moms about my story and offer support. I created a family through Adoptions of Wisconsin that I still have, and they are still people that three years later I know I can count on. If I need to talk to anyone about my feelings, they are 100% there to support me. Even three years later they let me know that they have a support group or a counselor. Claire has reached out multiple times and offered to get coffee with me. That has been really cool, to have that continued familial support from the agency.

Birth Mother’s Day is coming up. What do you want all birth mothers to know on this day?

I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they’re allowed to not celebrate it. They are allowed to make boundaries. They are allowed to let people know that they don’t have to partake in Birth Mother’s Day because that can reopen a wound. I think it is important for birth mothers to know that they can celebrate it however they need to. If that is a bad day for them then it is allowed to be a bad day. I also think it is an important day to reflect and look back at what you did and be proud and feel your emotions and do things like go and get your nails done and take care of yourself. It is a good day to remind you to look into your emotions, whether good or bad, and to take care of them.

If you could tell all birth mothers something what would you tell them?

The number one thing I would want all birth mothers to know is that their decision needs to be their choice, they need to know that they are in charge and they call the shots. I would tell them it’s your show, you’re the star of it, ask for what you need, don’t be quiet about your needs or ashamed about them, and make sure to take care of yourself.

Also, for birth moms that place through Adoptions of Wisconsin, AOW will always be there. They will always be a resource. In general, to other birth mothers, I would tell them to use the resources of whatever agency they place through. I know that Adoptions of Wisconsin is a special and rare agency. I have heard a lot of stories and done research and I personally haven’t heard of any other agencies that will answer your calls at 2 am when you’re crying and just need to talk to somebody. Every single case worker was awesome. Knowing that they are in it for the same reasons that you are is awesome.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

I want people to know that every story is different and that it is so important to respect people’s stories and respect boundaries. I think it is best to ask questions because that is better than being quiet and making assumptions. At the same time, different birth mothers have different levels of openness about their experience and their boundaries need to be respected.

Adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents are part of a special and cherished adoption community. I think everybody knows someone who is adopted or has experienced encountering someone whose been on either side of the process, even if they don’t know it. I think it’s important to understand that every story is different. And adoption creates families! I think a lot of people don’t think of it because many people are able to give birth to their own children and so I think people often forget that it is even a choice. I think that it should be a little more normalized than it is. People can be very hush-hush about it.

What are three words you would use to describe your experience with adoption?

Tender, emotional, and proud.

*Adoptive parents and baby’s name have been changed.

"Adoption is beautiful" -Becca's Story

When did you place your child for adoption?

2019

How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?

Overwhelmed. I was not sure if I could take care of the baby because at the time I was going through a lot.

Why did you choose adoption? What was your process behind making that decision?

I chose adoption because I wanted my son to have a good life and get the care that he needed which I could not give him. You can give a child all the love in the world but that just is not enough.

Who was the most helpful and supportive person in the process of placing your child for adoption?

Hollie, my social worker at Adoptions of Wisconsin. She was absolutely amazing. The adoptive mother Delaney* was amazing too. She was there for me whenever she could be. She was there for me even at my doctor’s appointments. I couldn’t pick better parents for my son than Delaney and Steve*.

When did you know that Delaney and Steve were the people you wanted to parent your child?

I first connected with them about two weeks after I met with Hollie. About a week prior I connected with another couple and they were really cool but when I met with Delaney and Steve, I instantly knew they were the ones.  

What was it like to have your first experience meeting them?

It was nerve-wracking. I wasn’t sure at that point if adoption was exactly what I wanted to do. After meeting them and talking with them I realized that they were definitely going to be a good fit for my child. When I first met them it was instantaneous, I just knew they were the right fit. And even after, when Delaney and Steve went home, Steve mentioned something to Delaney along the lines of “This was meant to be. I feel like I have known her for years.” My experience meeting them was amazing and it made my decision a little bit easier even though it was still really hard. But I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing.

How would you describe the way that your perception of adoption changed after going through the adoption process?

Before I went through the adoption process myself, I had heard about adoption, but I always thought they were closed adoptions where I would not be able to still be a part of my son’s life. But when I sat down and talked to Hollie, I learned more information and I realized that there were other options. After talking to her I was more at ease with everything. When I learned about open adoption I remember feeling like wow, you guys are really trying to help both me and the adoptive parents since I would still be able to see my son.  

What would you say has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

I found out more about myself. I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. It gave me a new perspective on myself.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

It gets easier with time and you are making the right decision. You are putting your child above all of your feelings.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

It’s a beautiful thing. It really is. Yes, we are making a hard decision, but we are giving a family a chance to be parents. I mean there are so many people out there who aren’t able to have children, and this is their only way of doing that. It is beautiful.

What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Amazing, nerve-wracking, but also kind of peaceful. I mean you guys do an amazing job. I can’t thank you enough for just being there for me.

What was the most nerve-wracking part?

The unknown and especially meeting prospective adoptive parents. You are trying to give your child to them, but you don’t know what their personalities will be like or if they will be a good fit. 

Is there anything else that you would like to add?

The one thing I have always wanted to do is just get my story out there. Even if it just helps one birth mother who is going through this, and it helps her make the right decision, then that makes me happy. You know it is going to be hard no matter what but hearing stories from other women who have gone through this helps.

* Adoptive parents names have been changed.

"I loved working with AOW" -Karynna's Story

When did you go through the adoption process?

2006.

When you found out you were pregnant how did you feel?

Scared.

What made you decide to choose adoption?

Well I was 16. I was not ready for a family. It was not my intention to get pregnant, but it happened, and I don’t believe in abortion. I weighed out a lot of pros and cons for keeping him or placing him for adoption. When there were more pros to adoption is when I ultimately chose to do adoption.

In the process of placing your child for adoption who would you say was the most helpful person?  

There was a couple of them. I worked with Claire Bergman. She helped me quite a bit. She would come up, take me to doctor’s appointments, she was a big support. If I needed someone to talk to, she’d be willing to talk. The other person would be my mother. She supported me through everything like if I was having a bad day or struggling emotionally. I was extremely grateful for both of them. My grandmother was supportive too.

Were there people who didn’t support you and who were they?

Some members of my family were not supportive. It was kind of hard and it hurt me. I was already going through a difficult time and it felt like even more negativity.

What did you do to deal with the people that weren’t supporting you?

I cut them out of my life. They are my family, so eventually I started talking to them again. My mom was the one who helped me the most with that negativity. She helped me to look at the positives instead of the negatives.

How has your perception of adoption changed before going through the adoption process?

I have always thought adoption is an amazing process. There are people who can’t have children and birth moms help couples like that form a family. Actually going through it I learned more about what the adoption process is like.

How did you choose the adoptive parents?

I met with two families. Something about my meeting with the first family felt off and I didn’t feel a connection with them. When I met with the adoptive parents I chose, the conversation was warm, inviting, bubbly, non-stop and it just felt right. After going through the process of picking a family I felt extremely grateful for where my son was going. I knew he was going to be loved and my son would be the stepping-stone for them to become a family. It makes me happy to know that I helped them become that family. The last month of my pregnancy was hard and uncomfortable. The adoptive parents sent me a care package and card which was really nice of them. They knew that the last month of a pregnancy could be rough. I still have the card.

What was it like going to school during your pregnancy?

I had my friends that I would hang out with. I became extremely close to them. They helped me through the pregnancy. Other than that I pretty much kept to myself.

What has been your biggest reward or surprise in being a birth mother?

The thing that I always think about is them becoming a family. I am extremely grateful that I could be a part of that process and help them become the parents that they always wanted to be.

What do you want all birth mothers to know?

If you are unsure of what you want in life or if you’re unsure of whether you want to go through the adoption process an adoption agency can support you. You can contact them and weigh out your options. There are open adoptions and you can still be a part of your child’s life and watch them grow up.

Did you choose open or closed adoption?

I chose closed but I told the adoptive family that if he ever starts asking questions about me or wants to know more about me then I’d like to build a relationship with him. It’s their choice and they can do whatever they want. But I would love to connect with him at some point, even if it is years from now.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

For me adoption opened my eyes to more than just somebody adopting a child. It helped me emotionally and it made me a stronger person. With adoption your child has a chance at life.

What would you say are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Open-minded. I had a really close relationship with Claire. When I was pregnant, I struggled for a little bit after I had him and I was still talking to Claire. She was extremely open-minded about everything. She seemed like she wanted to help, and she helped me a lot.

Giving. I say this because Claire took me shopping. At the time I couldn’t afford maternity clothes and Claire helped me buy some. It was really nice.

Caring. I thought I went into labor before I did, and I was in the birthing center of the hospital. Claire came which I thought was amazing and it showed me that she actually cared for my wellbeing. She patiently waited to see if I would go into labor or not.

Is there anything else that you want to share?

I just want to say how grateful I am for Adoptions of Wisconsin, not only for how they helped me while I was placing my son for adoption, but also for how they treated me as a birth mother. My friendship with Claire blossomed throughout the pregnancy and the overall experience was truly amazing. I loved working with Claire, I loved being able to talk to her and I still like keeping up with her over social media and seeing her updates. I loved working with AOW, I loved the process, and I feel blessed because they made my experience so much easier.

Positive Adoption Language: Words Matter

Using positive adoption language means taking care to choose the words that are accurate and respectful  to all those involved in the adoption process. It can feel like a new language to learn when you first begin the adoption journey, but it becomes intuitive the more involved you are. Below are a few examples of some commonly misconstrued phrases in adoption.

Expectant parents/birth parents versus real parents/natural parents

• A person planning to place a child for adoption is an “expectant parent,” if the baby is not yet born. That person is a “birth parent” after the child is born. Referring to the expectant or birth parent as the “real” or “natural” parent diminishes the role of an adoptive parent chosen by the expectant parent and can imply that the adoptive placement is temporary, or not “real”.

Place for adoption/make an adoption plan/choose adoption versus Give up for adoption/surrender

• The expressions “give up for adoption” or “surrender” imply that the expectant parent(s) are giving their child up because they don’t want the child, or are simply throwing in the towel. In reality, the expressions “choose adoption” or “make an adoption plan” reflect the choice that the expectant parent makes when moving forward with an adoption, and honors his or her decision-making process. When an expectant or birth parent makes an adoption plan, he or she is making a significant parenting decision for that child.

Parents versus Adoptive Parents

• Even after the adoption is finalized, we sometimes hear the parents referred to as “adoptive parents.” Whether they created their family through adoption, birth or in some other way, they’re really just “parents.”

Expectant parents and adoptive parents have important roles in the adoption process and to the child at the center of the adoption triad. We can accurately and sensitively refer to the adult members of the triad who all care about the child’s best interests. We all struggle with changing terminology, however, so if you are ever wondering about meanings and what words are best, AOW’s social workers are happy to talk it through with you, without judgment.

Birth Mother Stories: Morgan

My name is Morgan. I got pregnant when I was fifteen. He was conceived at the end of June and I didn’t find out that I was pregnant until August, a month after my sixteenth birthday. My first mistake was waiting so long to tell anybody. My mom found out from my older sister because I was too scared to tell her myself. My sister was actually the one who had helped me find the adoptive parents that I chose. The hardest thing that I ever had to do was meet with the adoptive parents. My first questions to myself were, “what if they don’t like me?” or “what if after I have this baby they never want to talk to me again?”  You might think “what if I don’t find a family that I like”, and to be honest that’s what I thought too. You can’t think negative! That is the worst thing you could do. From the moment I read David and Danielle’s(adoptive mother and father) bio I knew they were who I wanted to raise my baby, not because I didn’t want to raise him but because I wouldn’t be able to give the precious human the life that he deserved.

This leads to the other most important part to me. I do have an open adoption. David and Danielle give me updates about two times a week(most of the time). This baby boy was born May 30, at 5:00 a.m. exactly and I will never forget that date until the day I die. Knowing that I gave the best gift in the entire world to best, most kind-hearted, sweet, human beings to have ever walked this earth. I actually met David and Danielle the day before I had my baby. I was in labor while I met with them! The first question that I asked is if Danielle wanted to be in the delivery room with me. Of course she said yes. It was a good bonding time for the both of us to be together at that moment, and she held my hand through all of it. She did the skin to skin because that would just be another attachment that would be hard to let go of.

I am not going to lie to any of you reading this. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. All I think when I get these feelings are “He is with the people that I trust the most right now.” The other thing that I have that I look at when I get upset is a scrapbook. I actually have two scrapbooks, one for the pictures of updates they give me and the pictures of his month check-ins, how much he weighs. The other one I have is one for all of the times that we meet so I can watch him change and grow as I flip through the pages. These are a big help.

It gets better I promise. I just did some of my senior pictures and I met up with them! It was my seventeenth birthday. The best birthday I could ever have was spent with the little boy that was growing in me for 9 months. I held him, I talked to him, I kissed him and it all felt normal to me. It was never awkward, it was amazing that I still feel like his mother. When I handed him back to Danielle he looked at me for 5 almost minutes and this may be silly, but it felt like he still had a connection with me and almost knew who I was. He is now 4 months and 6 days old and he is the most handsome little man I have ever laid my eyes on.

David and Danielle got me a Birth Mothers Day gift, which was a picture of the sweet baby framed, a card and a few other things and I keep that picture and the cards that they had gotten me by my bedside so I can wake up and always see a picture of why I’m still going strong with my decision. If you do this you will be giving someone the most precious gift that you can give to someone that can’t have their own little miracle. To this day I still talk to the family, get updates and we even talk about how we are. This family has my heart and they will always have my heart as long as I’m still here!

-Sincerely Morgan

An Interview With Birth Parents

Background: Jessica is 5 months pregnant and due in January. She and Michael are making this adoption plan together. They are already parenting two small children and decided that they can’t afford to take care of any more children. They are matched. Adoptions of Wisconsin's Claire Schulz Bergman sat down with Jessica and Michael to interview them about the adoption process.

Q: What surprised you about the adoption process so far?

A (Jessica): The process was easier than I thought. I expected a lot of paperwork and to have to meet a lot of people. All I wanted was a loving couple for my baby. I wanted a family without kids who was financially stable and had steady jobs. I looked through the profiles that you gave me and decided to meet two couples. Both were great, we just connected with one more than the other.

(Michael): I felt “relief” when we matched because we didn’t have to worry anymore. We didn’t have to worry that we wouldn’t find anybody and end up having to care for a child we couldn’t afford. We wanted people who were honest and genuine to take care of our baby and we really think we’ve found them.

Q: Why did you feel more connected to the couple you chose?

A (Michael): They were more “like us.” They were really easy to talk to and made us feel at ease.

Q: You have spent some time with and communicated with the couple you chose since you initially met them. What has it been like for you to have contact via phone/text and spend time together with them?

A (Jessica): This really helped us because it feels like they are who they say they are. We feel like we can trust them and share in their excitement of becoming new parents. We went to a park with them to introduce our other kids to them and it was great watching them interact with our kids. They jumped right in and started playing with them. It showed us what they’d be like with this baby (that they are going to adopt). We want to have visits in the future because we want our kids to know this baby and getting together with them was a glimpse of what it would be like in the future when we get together for a play date.

We also went to the ultrasound together and found out what the sex of the baby is. It was really fun watching them see the baby for the first time. This is their first baby and they’ve never been through an ultrasound before.

We text frequently and I am able to ease my worries by telling them what I would do if I was going to care for him (like, buying footed pjs, recommending formula that worked for my other kids, etc.). It helps me feel like I can also prepare for his arrival and get excited with them.

Q: Are you starting to feel attached to your baby?

A (Jessica): Yes. How could I not be attached, he’s growing inside me! I love him and am doing adoption because I know I can’t provide for him and they can. I know he will be taken care of and getting to know them [the APs] better helps me really know this.

(Michael): I’m getting more attached than I probably should be. But, I know that doing adoption will be better for our other kids, too, and open adoption will allow our other kids to know this one.

Q: Do you have any fears about the adoption process?

A (Jessica): The usual parent worries, I just want to make sure that the APs are prepared.

Q: What advice would you give to others considering placing their child for adoption?

A (Jessica): Think of the baby. Meet as many families as you need to so that you can find the best one. Have enough time so that you can build a relationship with the adoptive parents before your baby is born. Have a few questions that you know you want the answer to at the first meeting, but don’t be overly structured about it.

(Michael): Have an open heart and an open mind. Keep the baby’s best interest first. Be honest with yourself, what is best for the child?

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A (Jessica): The APs have become an extension of our family. Since we’re getting to know them, they aren’t just people who are going to take care of our baby, they are like extended family members. This is what we wanted and I really believe that this is how it’s going to be.

(later Jessica texted this to me): I was thinking back on our first meeting with you and you made it really easy and pleasant. When I first made the call to the agency and was going to meet with you, I was kind of nervous that you would be someone like a case worker… up tight and straight corners… but you weren’t. Meeting you and having someone like you for this process has made it a lot easier in this whole thing.

*Not their real names

How to Choose Adoption for Your Baby

The first step toward choosing adoption is realizing that you’re not going to give up your baby, or be “giving up” anything. You’re making a parenting decision for the child you’re carrying. Many birth parents believe that if they decide that adoption is the best choice for their child, they will never be able to see their child again. This can cause undue amounts of stress and indecision for a mother, neither of which she deserves.

Open adoption is a type of adoption in which the birth mother and the adoptive parents agree to varying degrees of contact and exchanges of information. Depending on the circumstances of an adoption, the level of contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family could range from letters and photos facilitated by AOW, to visits between the child, adoptive family and birth mother.

In 2012, the Washington Times released a report stating that 95% of infant adoptions in the United States now have some level of openness between the birth parents and the adoptive families. This means that in the vast majority of infant adoptions, the decision to go forward with an adoption isn’t the last decision that a birth mother makes. It is a selfless and thoughtful choice, made solely with the welfare and development of the child in mind.

If adoptive families and birth parents live close enough to each other, it is not uncommon for the adoptive families to accompany birth parents to prenatal appointments and try to be as present as they can during the pregnancy. The adoptive families have nothing but the best interests of the child at heart, which they share with the child’s birth parents. Bonding over their shared love for the unborn child often leads to a close and deep connection between adoptive and birth families, which can lead to a comfortable future relationship.

Adoption doesn't mean that you give your baby up. If you choose adoption, it is because you believe adoption is the best path for your child given the current circumstances. Choosing adoption, if it is right for you and your child, is a selfless parenting decision.