Insights and Advice from Claire Schulz Bergman’s 17 Years of Experience Working in Adoption

Although Claire has since retired from her position as the Executive Director, her lasting contributions to Adoptions of Wisconsin, Inc. are more than worthy of further recognition and praise. Caroline, one of our social workers, interviewed Claire to learn more about her experience and what inspired her to dedicate her career to social work in adoption. She shared invaluable insights and advice regarding adoption. Here’s what she had to say.

What sparked your interest in working in adoption?

I have adopted siblings and I wanted a job in social work that was meaningful and where I could tangibly see that my work mattered.

How long have you worked with Adoptions of Wisconsin?

Seventeen years.

What is your favorite thing about your job?

I really appreciate being invited into a person’s life during a very challenging period. I especially enjoy helping expectant birth parents make a plan that they can own and is empowering to them.

What is a misconception about adoption that you wish did not exist?

Adoption is not giving up on your child. Adoption is making the best, thoughtful decision with the information that you have at the moment to plan for your child. For adoptive families, it is not a second-best way to create a family it is just a different way to create a family.

What do you think is perpetuating those misconceptions?

I think that for expectant parents considering adoption, there’s a lot of pressure to parent because “you made your own bed, now you need to sleep in it” (i.e., you got yourself pregnant, now you have to deal with the consequences). This assumes that any decision other than parenting is “the easy way out.” This is incredibly untrue. Placing a baby is hard. It takes a lot of maturity, thoughtfulness and trust. Birth parents place their child for adoption because they believe it is the right choice for their child and themselves. So many people have an opinion on this but the only opinion that truly matters is the birth parents. Women must learn to trust themselves and when this happens, anything is possible.  The messaging around adoption being an empowering choice has not been the one that has been more consistently spread by society. The message is more focused on rhetoric about “giving your baby up”. This narrative is untrue and harmful. 

What do you think can be done to stop those misconceptions?

If birth parents were empowered to feel good about their decision and if they spoke out about it, then people would see that it is just another choice that you make for your life and there’s less stigma around it. At the same time, birth parents are not the only ones that need to speak up. The burden should not be placed on them to change the narrative. It is important for all people to speak up whenever they hear damaging statements about adoption. 

How can we empower birth parents?

We can start using language that is positive for adoption. Instead of “giving up” use “placing” and understand that this is in no way “giving up” it’s investing in the lives of the child and the birth parent(s). We can start admiring birth parents for their difficult choices and recognize that placing a child for adoption is not “selfish”. We can honor birth parents by truly acknowledging that this decision is their choice. It is not right or wrong. It is just one of the many hard decisions people are faced with.

What are other ways we can support birth moms to feel more comfortable about their decisions?

I think if we just openly talked about women’s rights and reproduction without any kind of stigma around it at all and women’s empowerment then women would feel empowered to make the best choice for themselves and their baby. Instead they are conditioned to feel shame for their choices and look to outside opinions instead of looking inside and determining what is right for them. So in my work I encourage all parents, adoptive and birth parents, to really make the choice that feels the best for them, not based on what anybody else thinks but on what they think.

What would you like to tell all birth mothers or birth parents?

That adoption is a very difficult choice, but it is a loving choice and if it is something that they choose, and if they move forward and go through with it then they can do anything.

What would you like to tell all adoptive families?

To respect the birth mom in a way that is more than just on paper. And to not be afraid of openness. A birth mom who moves forward terminating her parental rights so you can adopt her child, is not going to just show up on your doorstep one day and want to be the child’s parent. She is choosing you for this. It is in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption so don’t be scared about it.

Why is it in the child’s best interest to have an open adoption?

Because the more they know about where they came from the more they are going to grow up in a very healthy way. This includes:

• Identity– Open adoption provides adopted children with the ability to answer identity questions that they may not have answers to otherwise.

• May lessen a sense of abandonment – having the ability to talk to a birth parent, may help the child understand the reasons behind being place for adoption and lessen a sense of abandonment from his/her birth family.

• Child will have medical history – many people who were adopted in a closed situation do not have medical information that is available to children in open adoptions.

What are other ways to respect a birth mom besides openness?

Speak positively about a birth parent no matter what the situation is. Don’t share a birth parent’s life story with everyone around you because that is their story to tell and the child’s story to tell. But be very open with the child about the birth parents’ story because it is necessary for the child to know accurately what went into the decision to place the baby for adoption. But don’t share it with all of your extended family and friends because it is not helpful, for example, for the child to find out from Cousin Jane that their mom was addicted to drugs. They should be finding that out from you or from the birth mom.

What would you like to tell all adoptees?

You have a right to know your biological history and if you are at all interested you have a right to search. You have a right to ask your adoptive parents about your birth history and don’t be afraid to ask about it.

What does it mean to use positive adoption language?

Positive adoption language talks positively about adoption. It talks about placement rather than giving up. It takes the word adopted out and instead of natural baby and adopted baby it is just your baby.

What do you think makes this agency an ethical adoption agency?

I think this agency is a great adoption agency because we are very inclusive. We serve all sorts of families. We provide excellent counseling to both expectant parents and adoptive parents. We care about your family both expected and adopted. We are small so we can respond to questions and inquiries quickly and we are very hands-on with our expectant parents.

What is the agency working on doing better to support people?

We are working on figuring out how to better support adoptive parents when they are waiting through waiting families’ groups and just information that we give out or checking in periodically. For birth parents or expectant parents we are constantly looking for resources to connect with as far as peer support and other positive adoption support and we also are very supportive of an expectant parent choosing to parent and we will connect that person with whatever resources might be helpful in her parenting plan.

What is your favorite thing about working at Adoptions of Wisconsin agency?

It is small and we are very caring women. We are a woman run agency that is local and is empowering for women.

Part Two: Katy & Peter's Story

Katy, Peter, and Grace

What was it like waiting for a placement?

Peter: Not fun!

Katy: It felt like it took forever. We were listed for about two years. Claire had told us that was longer than normal.

Peter: We also got put on the site and registered just as COVID hit. Like a month or two before.

Katy: Yeah, our profile was posted on the website in February of 2020.

What was your mindset like during the wait?

Peter: I believed that we would get matched eventually and understood that it was due to the pandemic that we were waiting so long. We were just starting to switch to going with a national agency because it had been two years and we had only gotten three potential hits.

Katy: For the three, we had met with one birth mother and she picked another couple. Then we were contacted about a baby who was sick, and it became apparent that the baby would be too sick for us to handle. We both thought that that baby deserved somebody who could give that baby the best life possible, and that was not us. Then there was another situation where another couple got picked over us. I was super discouraged.

Peter: We were in the process of going with a national agency when we got a call from AOW about a new potential placement. We were going to the Home Expo show. Katy took the call when I was getting our tickets and when I came back, she was crying.

What would you say was the hardest part of the adoption process if you could point to one thing?

Katy: Waiting, for me. Because we had started trying to have a kid almost seven years ago at this point. So emotionally for me, it wasn’t just that we had been waiting to get matched for two years, it was years of it building up.

Peter: Also, not knowing if we were waiting so long because there were not many birth moms or if we were passed over.

Katy: Like did people just not like us?  Those are all the places that your head starts to go to.

What was it like being told that an expectant mother wanted to meet you?

Katy: For me my first impulse was “Oh god is she going to like us? Are we going to get picked?”

Peter: I was not as nervous as Katy because with Torie they told us ahead of time that she liked us. The first time we met a birth mom I was pretty nervous.

Katy: With that first time, part of it was that we never met or talked with a birth mom before so we had no idea how it would go.

What was it like meeting Torie for the first time?

Katy: Claire had sent us an email saying that there was a potential match and gave us the information. Then later, in January, we got a phone call saying that Torie wanted to meet us.

Peter: We had three months to prepare for an incoming baby! The first time we met her was in the Adoptions of Wisconsin office.

Katy: Claire and Lea were there. I was nervous. I was afraid that we were going to meet her and get told no again.

Peter: For me, I was less nervous than when we met with the first birth mom back in 2020 because we had been told that Torie felt drawn to our profile so it seemed like it wasn’t as much that she was choosing between many families but more so seeing if we checked out. Seeing Katy and Torie become so friendly so fast was also a big relief.

Katy: We thought about what we wanted to ask her during the meeting beforehand. Peter kept track of that, and I was just nervous!

After meeting her when did she tell you that she wanted you two to be the parents?

Katy: She kind of told us in that meeting. We didn’t say yes when Torie was in the room during the meeting. Peter and I, it doesn’t matter what kind of decision it is, but we talk to each other privately before we say yes to anything. We basically just looked at each other and went “yes!” Being told that Tori wanted us to parent felt absolutely amazing after waiting for so long.

Peter: And a bit terrifying since it was three months until she was due!

What was it like after Torie told you both that she wanted you to parent and until Grace was born?

Katy: It started out that we would take Torie to her prenatal appointments. In the course of going to these appointments with her, we started to just talk in a more relaxed way instead of being so formal and we got really comfortable with her.

Peter: We visited her family, and she came over to our house and talked with my parents over a phone call, since they live in Florida, and she met Katy’s parents who immediately showed her all the pictures of all of our extended family.  

Katy: We also met with Torie’s three boys and her mom and dad. We basically took the time to get to know each other.

How did you decide what kind of adoption plan you wanted?

Peter: We had previously talked about how we wanted a birth mother to have a relationship with us similarly to if they were just like a grandparent. Like they could see the child as often as a grandparent would if they wanted to.

Katy: Like if Torie wants to come and visit Grace and if one of us isn’t absurdly busy, then yes! So after we took Grace home from the hospital Torie would stop by once a week and she would bring breast milk that she had been pumping and hold Grace and get to spend some time with her. That doesn’t happen as often now and part of that is because we are in the less intense baby phase. Torie is now back to work, spending time with her boys, and has now healed physically from giving birth. But Torie and I still talk often, we were just texting this weekend.

Peter: We have an App called Family Album where we share photos of Grace so Torie and all of our extended family can see it.

Katy: Even before we met Torie, we had wanted an adoption with at least some degree of openness. One of Peter’s younger cousins is adopted and has an open adoption plan. Now she is in her 20s and she will go on vacation with her biological sister even though they didn’t grow up in the same house. She still gets to have that relationship with her biological sister which I thought was really important. We have also heard stories about closed adoptions being hard for adoptees because they have so many questions. Even though we were hoping for an open adoption, we were willing to be matched with a birth mom who didn’t want that. What we have with Torie is just fantastic. It is so amazing. We also know that our adoption plan is flexible. If things change in the future like if someone moves or something, we still plan to stay in touch.

Peter: After Grace’s birth her biological brothers came by with Torie to visit.

Katy: At first, they were really shy but then they got comfortable and had lots of fun playing with Peter! Our relationship with Torie has just worked out to be so fantastic. It’s just beautiful.

What was it like meeting Grace for the very first time?

Katy: It was fantastic! And not exactly the way we planned because Grace had her own ideas.

Peter: The doctor was about to give Torie the epidural and then Grace decided to appear right then.

Katy: The original plan was that when the doctors told Torie it was time to push, I would come into the room and be there when Grace was actually born. After they check to make sure everything was okay with Torie and the baby, then Peter would get to come in and cut the cord. Well, Grace did not do any of that according to plan. But it was absolutely magical to get to hold her for the first time. It just felt right. Peter did get to come in the room after they made sure Torie and Grace were okay. The doctors had to cut the cord first for medical reasons, but there was still a tail, so Peter got to trim it. Then when they did the footprints, we had a canvass as well and got her footprints put on there. Then when her biological brothers came over to meet her, we put their thumbprints on the canvas with their names, so she’ll have that too.

Do you have any advice that you’d give waiting families?

Katy: Waiting was incredibly, incredibly difficult. But if we would have gotten matched before we wouldn’t have the amazing relationship that we have with Torie now.

Peter: You have to be willing to take risks and put yourself out there. Be willing to be flexible with what your idealized adoption plan is.

Katy: And realize that you can’t control everything. In adoption, or parenting in general, you build up an idealized picture of what it is going to be like, but I learned that you need to let go a little. This isn’t exactly what I pictured but I wouldn’t change anything.  

Peter: I would also say be willing to learn and explore as well.

What do you want the world to know about adoption?

Katy: Adoption doesn’t have to be an end. It can be a beginning of a new phase. Specifically for an open adoption, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story between a birth mother and a child. Historically, it really has been that way and it has done a lot of damage. So I want people to know that it can be positive, it doesn’t have to be the end, it can be new beginnings if you want to make it that way.

Peter: Also, birth mothers are not placing their children because they don’t care about the baby. They want what is best for the baby.

Katy: Yeah, it seems like there is a lot of stigma around being a birth mother and I think that is so deeply unfair to birth moms. They are making a choice that they feel is the best for the child they’re having. I think it is really unfair when other people make harsh judgments about that.

What are three words to describe your experience with adoption?

Peter: Boredom with terrifying beauty at the end.

Katy: Boredom because you spend so much time waiting and preparing and then terrifying beauty because the birth of the child and matching with Torie was beautiful but also terrifying because you are responsible for that tiny life now and she is totally dependent on you! I agree with Peter, but I would say beautiful, work, and worth it.

Is there anything that you’d like to share that we haven’t covered yet?

Katy: I just want to say how awesome Torie is. Torie and I really hit it off and I think it will be to Grace’s eternal benefit. When we met Torie, it was so clear that she was trying to do the absolute best for Grace. She was doing everything in her power to do that.

Peter: And that Adoptions of Wisconsin really helped us throughout the whole process.

Embryo Adoption: What it is, How it Works, and First-Hand Experience

Embryo adoption is popular with families who are experiencing infertility, but who still want to go through the experience of pregnancy and giving birth. It is also a way for parents whose families are complete to find a home for their unused embryos. There is an estimated surplus of about 1,000,000 unused frozen embryos* in America right now.

Although often referred to as “embryo adoption,” in many states, including Wisconsin, “embryo donation” is more accurate. Wisconsin’s adoption laws do not apply to embryos. However, some licensed adoption agencies also have programs for families seeking unused embryos. Many people prefer the adoption agency model that treats the embryos as children and can provide more structure and safety for the participants.

To begin the process, you will fill out an application with an embryo adoption agency. After you are approved, you can begin the home study process with a social worker in order to prove that you have a stable relationship and have the means to adequately provide for a child. If you are a Wisconsin family, Adoptions of Wisconsin is fully equipped to perform your home study and ready to guide you through this portion of the process. The potential mother must also be medically cleared and likely to be able to carry a child to term.  

Like infant adoption, one of the issues considered in matching donating parents with recipient parents is what level of openness the parties desire. They can choose anonymous donation, a more open relationship with shared contact information, or even future contact.

Ownership of the embryos is legally transferred through an embryo donation agreement signed by both the donors and the recipients, with each side represented by an attorney. Unlike infant adoption, there is no need to go to court or to have any judicial involvement.

After the mother is medically cleared and the clinic receives confirmation that the embryo donation agreement has been signed, the adopting parents can proceed with the embryo transfer to the mother’s uterus. Most clinics prefer to transfer one embryo at a time. The reported success rate of pregnancy for embryo adoptions is 50%, with a 40% national birth rate**. If the first transfer does not work and the parents have more embryos, they can make additional transfers. There are, of course, no guarantees as to the health of the embryos.

The recipient parents’ names go on the child’s birth certificate as they would for any other birth. After a successful delivery, many parents decide to continue to grow their family with their remaining embryos.

The embryo adoption process typically costs about $7,500-$19,500* which generally includes home study fees, medical screenings, and embryo transfer.

*https://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/what-is-embryo-adoption/

**https://www.embryodonation.org/adoption/. 

Adoptions of Wisconsin has been privileged to provide home studies for a number of families working with embryo adoption. We asked one of those families some questions about their experience. Here is what they had to say:

How did you find out about embryo adoption? How did you decide that you wanted to pursue this process as a means of growing your family as opposed to others?

We found out about embryo adoption online. We have a past of trying various fertility treatments including IVF. As we were unsuccessful with those, we decided to try domestic adoption. We were on an active family list for about a year and decided to reevaluate our options (continue with domestic adoption, try IVF again, or embryo adoption).  We decided to give embryo adoption a try since we had no explained infertility diagnosis.

How did you decide on the embryo adoption/donor agency?

We chose Nightlight’s Snowflake program because they treat embryo adoption like a traditional adoption. We wanted our children to have the option of knowing their genetic family and siblings.

How long did the process take from start to finish? Would you describe it as difficult?

We got through the process very quickly. From the initial consultation to being matched with a donating family is about one month. We already had a completed home study which made the process go a lot quicker. The timeline also depends on how long it takes for a couple to complete paperwork and education requirements. 

How did the cost compare to traditional adoption costs?

It is our perception that traditional adoption is more expensive. We paid $9,000 to Nightlight for all of their services. Then paid $6,000 to our fertility clinic for the embryo transfer. The cost for an embryo transfer can vary a lot by clinic. Especially if insurance will cover parts of the medical costs. Here in Wisconsin, it is common to have to pay out of pocket for these fertility services.  Obviously once pregnant, health insurance covers medical costs as usual for a pregnancy.

What was the matching process like, and how did you choose your donor?

The Snowflake program matches an adopting family with a donating family. We both have profiles and someone at Nightlight tries to find the best fit. One major factor is how many embryos they are donating and the family size desired by the adopting family.  Embryo transfers have a 40% success rate. We would love to have 3-4 children, so we were matched to a couple that was donating 8 embryos. 

Once they find a potential match, the donating family is sent the adopting family’s profile. If they agree to the match, their profile is sent to the adopting family to view. If it is a yes by both sides, embryo information is sent to the fertility clinic to ensure that they will accept the embryos for transfer. If all three parties give a yes, it is a successful match.

Do you have an open or closed relationship with the donor family? How did you decide that?

We have an open relationship with our donor family. While we are still developing that relationship, we are connected on social media, send pictures and email often. Since our daughter is a full genetic sibling to their children, it was important to us that she has the opportunity to grow that relationship with them. 

With Nightlight, you are unable to have a closed adoption. The degree of openness varies and depends on the adopting and donating families’ wishes. This is one of the matching criteria.  

What would you want other families that are in similar situations to yours to know?

Parenthood is challenging but very rewarding. The pathway may not be what you expect. While embryo adoption may not be for everyone, it certainly has worked out for us. We couldn’t be happier with our daughter. She was meant to be ours.

Adoptions of Wisconsin supports family formation in whatever form it may take. For information on how we can help you with your embryo adoption home study, please contact us at info@adoptionsofwisconsin.com.

Holiday Gift-Giving Guide: Ways to Give Back to Your Child's Birth Mother

Birth mothers play a crucial role in the adoption process and the holiday season is one of the best times of year to connect with your child’s birth mother and to show your appreciation for their brave decision and invaluable contribution to your family. Many adoptive parents also enjoy choosing just the right meaningful and thoughtful gift.

In case you are looking for where to start, check out this useful list we’ve compiled!

1. Thank you letter

   A heartfelt thank you letter can be one of the best ways to show your child’s birth mother that she is valued and has a special place in your heart.

2. Flowers

   Especially during this season, a nice bouquet of flowers can certainly brighten a cold winter day.

3. Baked goods

   Whether you bake them yourself or buy them from a gourmet baker, yummy baked treats will almost always bring a smile.

4. Jewelry

   A nice keepsake piece to commemorate her special role in your family’s life is a perfect idea.

5. Books

   It is always a nice time to cozy up with a good book when the weather is frightful. A good suggestion is a book written for birth parents, such as Heart of a Birthmom by Terri Gake or Revealing You: A Journal for Birthmothers by Michelle Thorne. 

6. A little pampering

   Who doesn’t love a good spa day, massage, or manicure/pedicure, maybe with adoptive mom (or dad)?

7. Gift cards

   If you think they would prefer to do something solo, a gift card for any of the previous ideas or to their favorite store would be equally nice!

8. Subscriptions

   Here are just a few ideas… a subscription to a streaming service such as Netflix or Hulu, Audible (access to unlimited audiobooks), Calm (a sleep and meditation app), Scentbird (perfume), Adult and Craft (crafting box), Book of the Month, Coffee Club, Mouth (gourmet treats), and so on. 

We hope this list is helpful! Remember, showing our children’s birth mothers that we care and cherish their presence in our lives can go a long way this time of year, which can be especially challenging for birth parents. 

We wish you all the happiest of holidays!

Disclaimer: It should be noted that, under Wisconsin law, before the termination of parental rights, potential adoptive parents may not give a birth mother a gift exceeding $100 of value. See Wis. Stat. sec. 48.913(1)(m).

Toddler Tips: Baby, It's Cold Outside!

As the cold weather starts to roll in and activities are primarily limited to the indoors, parents must get a little more creative in keeping their children entertained. Especially in the Midwest, winters can be brutal and sometimes feel seemingly endless for even the most experienced parents. Throw in bad weather or illness to make parenting even more challenging. Those of us who have lived through many winters have learned a few things:

Go outside.

Yes, it’s cold and snowy, but one (or three) short play sessions outside can do wonders for everyone’s moods. If there’s snow, all the better. You can break out the sleds or teach your little one to build a snowman or make a snow angel. If not, it can be fun to visit a favorite playground or go on a dog walk in the winter. Just remember to keep little heads, hands and feet well-covered. Hot cocoa is a bonus when you get home.

Dance.

Sometimes the weather is truly awful, think sleet. Your little one will still benefit from letting off some steam. This is where you can introduce them to your favorite music from back in the day. Dance with your toddler and take advantage of an age where they still think you’re cool.

Arts and crafts.

Give your toddler a roll of aluminum foil (take it out of the package with the sharp edge) and a roll of tape and see what she comes up with. Maybe a helmet, a badge or a ship for a doll.

Enlist your “helper.”

Sometimes it’s easier to just do it yourself, but sometimes it’s more fun to have “help.” Your toddler can help you: fold laundry, dust, pick up his room and, best of all, make cookies. Music helps.

Cuddle.

If toddler or parent is feeling under the weather, let yourself cozy up with your little one with a blanket and a book or watch a movie. Maybe followed by a nap— something you’d both likely enjoy.

And remember, this too shall pass, leaving you with fond memories of playing in the snow, dancing, crafting and cuddling with your child, rather than remembering how long winters can be.

What can I do with my child after placement before the adoption is finalized?

After placement of your child into your home, many families have questions about what they can and can’t do with their child before their adoption is finalized. Here are the answers to some of the most common questions we receive regarding post-placement/pre-finalization etiquette.

Can we travel with our child? Where can we go and who do we notify?

Yes, you can travel with your child after placement, but you must remain in compliance with the procedure determined by your social worker. It is perfectly okay to travel with your child anywhere (though you won’t be able to get your child a passport until their adoption is finalized) as long as you notify your social worker ahead of time and provide the dates you will be traveling and where you are headed— including each stop you make along the way. It is preferred that you share this information via email so that it can be retained for records and future reference so that your social worker can easily know where you and your child are and how to contact you.

Can we post pictures or videos of our child on social media?

If you have a foster care license through the state, you are not allowed to post any pictures or videos of your child to any social media platform prior to the finalization of their adoption. If you obtain your foster care license through AOW, you are allowed to post pictures or videos of your child on social media, so long as you have approval from the birth parents.

Who is allowed to visit or see our child?

This decision is entirely up to your own discretion. Anyone you would like can visit or see your child, but no one else can care for your child without proper screening and the required documentation is provided to your social worker.

Who can take care of our child when we are working or away from home? What form of childcare is recommended and what does our social worker need in order to approve it?

The short answer is that you can choose whichever form of childcare you prefer, whether that be a nanny, family member, or a daycare facility (except in-home daycare). Each of these requires a different process and varying documentation for the childcare provider to be approved by your social worker—though they are each comparably easy to get approved.

Here are the requirements:

Daycare facility: Prior to sending your child to a daycare, your social worker needs a copy of the daycare facility license. This can easily be emailed or mailed to your social worker directly by the daycare facility. Please note that your child is not allowed to be cared for at an in-home daycare prior to finalization.

Nanny: A nanny is considered a primary caretaker for your child if they care for the child regularly and for long periods of time. Once you find a nanny that suits your childcare needs, a background check must be completed. Your nanny will need to fill out a release of information to be sent to your social worker so that a background check can be completed for them.

Short-term babysitter: If you hire a babysitter to come on occasion for a few hours at a time, nothing is required to be approved by your social worker. Check with your social worker if you have questions about whether your caretaker is considered a nanny or a babysitter.

Family member: If you choose to have a family member care for your child in your home, your social worker does not need anything from you. However, if a family member cares for your child in their home or anywhere else, a walkthrough of their home must be completed by your social worker. This must be done prior to the care of your child outside of your own home. In order to make this step easier, a post-placement visit with your social worker could take place at the designated family member’s residence and the walkthrough can be completed at the same time.

It’s normal to have questions about what you can and cannot do with your child before their adoption is finalized and these are good things to keep in mind in order to remain in compliance. We appreciate your cooperation so that together we can keep your child safe and ensure that the adoption process goes as smoothly as possible!

Positive Adoption Language: Words Matter

Using positive adoption language means taking care to choose the words that are accurate and respectful  to all those involved in the adoption process. It can feel like a new language to learn when you first begin the adoption journey, but it becomes intuitive the more involved you are. Below are a few examples of some commonly misconstrued phrases in adoption.

Expectant parents/birth parents versus real parents/natural parents

• A person planning to place a child for adoption is an “expectant parent,” if the baby is not yet born. That person is a “birth parent” after the child is born. Referring to the expectant or birth parent as the “real” or “natural” parent diminishes the role of an adoptive parent chosen by the expectant parent and can imply that the adoptive placement is temporary, or not “real”.

Place for adoption/make an adoption plan/choose adoption versus Give up for adoption/surrender

• The expressions “give up for adoption” or “surrender” imply that the expectant parent(s) are giving their child up because they don’t want the child, or are simply throwing in the towel. In reality, the expressions “choose adoption” or “make an adoption plan” reflect the choice that the expectant parent makes when moving forward with an adoption, and honors his or her decision-making process. When an expectant or birth parent makes an adoption plan, he or she is making a significant parenting decision for that child.

Parents versus Adoptive Parents

• Even after the adoption is finalized, we sometimes hear the parents referred to as “adoptive parents.” Whether they created their family through adoption, birth or in some other way, they’re really just “parents.”

Expectant parents and adoptive parents have important roles in the adoption process and to the child at the center of the adoption triad. We can accurately and sensitively refer to the adult members of the triad who all care about the child’s best interests. We all struggle with changing terminology, however, so if you are ever wondering about meanings and what words are best, AOW’s social workers are happy to talk it through with you, without judgment.

DNA Test Kits and Adoption

With the recent rise in prevalence and popularity of DNA testing companies, many adoptive parents and adoptees are wondering if DNA testing is something that they should explore. The related risks, rewards, reasons and ethics should be considered before you decide to use them. Once you undergo DNA testing, it cannot be undone.

Why does anyone choose a DNA test for themselves or their child? DNA test results can provide ancestral information, statistical health information based on DNA markers, and can be used to find biological relatives or verify biological parentage. Direct to consumer DNA testing is an appealing tool to find out more about one’s genetic makeup. On the other hand, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Information on birth parents that was once reasonably expected to remain confidential forever is now becoming increasingly discoverable. In this new age of seemingly endless available information, you should consider whether it is wise to contact a birth parent or other birth relative if their identity is discovered.

There are many heart-warming stories of people who have connected with birth families and previously-unknown relatives. DNA testing can find a missing branch of the family tree. However, there are also situations where such connections have not been welcome. Just because you are biologically related to a person does not mean that you will have much in common. Your genetics do not determine everything about you.

Some pros and cons to consider:

• DNA testing may reveal important medical or genetic information.

• Once you do DNA testing, it cannot be undone and you lose control of the information, to a large extent.

• DNA testing may be the only way for you to connect with family members.

• The birth family may not want contact.

• If the birth parents made an adoption plan with the expectation of privacy, that expectation may be entitled to respect.

• The birth family may not have disclosed fully, and you may find out things that you or they wish weren’t known.

• DNA testing may expose you or your relatives to potential identification in a criminal law situation.

Even in an open adoption, a child’s birth parents may not have communicated everything or anything about the adoption to their families. By using a commercial DNA testing service, you may inadvertently release information that the birth parents intended to keep confidential. It’s important to consider the impact that such disclosure can have on others, even those who have not submitted their DNA to testing, in addition to yourselves or your children.

The question of whether a parent should have their child tested is controversial. Testing can reveal important or meaningful information, but the act of testing takes the decision out of the child’s hands forever.

Am I A Mother I Am

Am I A Mother I Am

19 days. 456 hours. 27,360 minutes. 1,641,600 seconds.

None of them are simple numbers, easily divisible and sorted into categories. They are complex. Confusing. Difficult for my muddled brain to make sense of. None of them seem like enough. None of them can quantify moments of pure joy or relay the devastation of losing a child.

She got so excited by black and white shapes: her little legs kicking, arms flailing, eyes wide. Sometimes she’d shout at a complex pattern, enthralled by the contrast. I’ve watched the video of her doing it so many times that, in my exhaustion, I worry digital files can get worn out like a VHS. Maybe tape will start spitting out the sides of my computer and she’ll be lost to me again.

I spiral for hours, wondering what she looks like now when she gets excited, if she was scared when I left her at the agency, if she was happy when her birth mother picked her up, if I could have done something differently, if she forgot me already, if somehow my love imprinted on her, if that’s wishful thinking.

If if if.

The dog paces around the house. He whines at the nursery door that always stays shut. Does he wonder if we forgot her in there? He craved attention when she arrived, but now that she’s gone, he shies from my touch. He doesn’t have time for me, he’s anxious to find her. He lies in the empty space where her swing used to be, trying to show me she’s gone. I know, boy. I know.

The nursery has its own gravitational pull, the rest of the house orbiting around it, keeping our distance though it’s the center of our universe. But today I am a meteor, racing towards it. Cracking the door, I imagine I can still smell her. I can’t, it’s just a room that’s been closed a while. I can barely get in, it’s packed so full of baby detritus, the result of my attempt to rid us of reminders around the house. The floor is barely visible, but I wade through to pick up her strawberry blanket.

My sweet strawberry girl.

I wiped away spit up with this blanket. I know I haven’t washed it since. Desperately sniffing for a hint of her, I feel pathetic. I’m a cliché, a poster-girl for infertility. Wallowing in self-pity, I bury my face in her dirty clothes and howl and howl until the dog hides under the kitchen table. The force of this grief terrifies me, too.

No description sounds right:

Failed adoption. Ambiguous loss.

But no one failed and this grief doesn’t feel ambiguous.

One day she was here, the next she was gone. One day I am a mother, the next I am… what? She’s still out there in the world, she’s loved, I should be happy.

I’m happy.

Nineteen is an awkward number. On the edge of being something more impressive. No longer easy to comprehend, not quite fully realized.

No longer a mother, but not not a mother.

“Do you have any children?” feels complicated. I am both yes and no. I am an internal conundrum. I am broken into pieces that don’t fit. Each bit seems unknown to me. Elbow connected to knee, mouth where ears should be. I don’t know how I go together, or who I even am.

All that matters are the nineteen days she was mine.

The baby sleeping on my chest, warm weight snuggled between my breasts, nuzzling her face against my skin. The baby that loves the water, falling asleep in the bath and crying when I take her out.

Before I knew her, I loved her. Years passed sitting in the nursery waiting for her, longing for her. Again the rocker sits empty, my arms are empty, I am empty.

But any seeking of support must involve a preamble defending her birth mother. People imagine indignant anger towards her is how they should respond to my loss, and the thought repulses me. A mother needs her baby and I was never entitled to hers. She wasn’t an incubator. No choice was easy, no choice came without a twisted tangle of complexities before it.

I love the baby we both call daughter, though she’s no longer mine. She never really was, though I need to hold her in my heart. I need her close to keep surviving. I selfishly cling to my piece of her, needing to hold on to something. Anything.

I can’t let go. I can’t move on.

The rift left by her absence stretches wide between my husband and me; we can hardly see each other across the chasm. Weeks pass in loneliness. Resignation. Everyone and everything around us moves, but we are stuck.

Our entire lives have been a waiting room. Waiting on fertility doctors, test results, urologists, neurosurgeons, MRIs, therapists, social workers. Now here. Sitting in this nursery waiting to be filled, the silence so loud it screams.

We’re waiting to stop hurting. Waiting to stop missing her. Waiting to find each other again.

Waiting for what comes next.

Written by: Sophie Rhem

Published: Mom Egg Review - http://momeggreview.com/2020/09/14/am-i-a-mother-i-am-by-sophie-rhem/

Difficult Roads Often Lead to Beautiful Destinations

It is said that “difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations” and for many considering adoption this is true. This can be even more true when your past is less than perfect. Adoption can be a scary process for many. There are so many unknowns and the future can seem uncertain. Often, the process to arriving at adoption hasn’t been easy either. For people with a not so perfect past this process seem even more intimidating, overwhelming, and uncertain. However, what I’ve learned is that path to parenthood isn’t always easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

As a woman in my mid-thirties my ovaries were screaming for a baby, however this was not the case in my early twenties and I felt I was being punished for my poor judgment in my younger years. My story is complicated. As a married woman, with a master’s degree, a great job, beautiful home, and a loving husband my life looked picture perfect to most. But this life wasn’t handed to me, I had to work for it. My story starts as a young girl, born to two parents in their mid-twenties. My mother came from a normal, working-class family and my father came from a family that had struggled with alcoholism for decades. My father got sober when I was 5 years old, so my memories growing up were of a sober man. In my teenage years I began to experiment with marijuana and alcohol. I remember clearly thinking that my parents, especially my dad, would not be happy if they found out, but that this was a rite of passage and that alcoholism wasn’t really a disease, that was just something people in AA said to make themselves feel better. For the next ten years I continued to believe that.

By the time I was 26 I had been arrested for Operating While Intoxicated (OWI) numerous times and these arrests came with time spent in jail and on house arrest. I always attributed everything in my life to bad luck, including my arrest record. Following my last OWI, a Drug and Alcohol Assessment was mandated and from there I was sent to rehab. While in rehab I realized that I was not choosing the life I had wanted to live. I realized that my alcoholism was a disease and that for many people this disease was passed down to them and there wasn’t much choice in the matter. I realized the only choice I had was to quit drinking and that I was an alcoholic.

Once I quit drinking my life began to get better almost immediately, which is was led to the present day “picture perfect” life. The only thing missing from my perfect life was a baby I was longing to love. I had always loved the idea of adoption, but I figured with my past there was no chance in adopting a baby. Before contacting Adoptions of Wisconsin, I would Google search for stories of alcoholic women that had adopted, but all I would find would be threads of women discussing how their husband had been arrested once or twice and they were still able to adopt a baby. I couldn’t find any stories of mothers, the so-called “care takers”, with a not so perfect past like mine. During this time of uncertainty, guilt, remorse and reflection, my husband tried to assure me that my past was far behind me (as I was 8 years sober at the time) and that people would look beyond that. I was not so sure. I remember contacting Adoptions of Wisconsin, going in for our initial consultation and within minutes I was balling and telling Hollie that I was a recovering alcoholic and I wasn’t sure if we would be able to adopt. I remember these intense feelings of guilt and remorse. Hollie assured me that the agency had guidelines on this and that everything would be okay. My past was not the end all be all, and that a future as a mother would be possible.

As we continued the adoption process I was forced to relive and discuss my past at many times. We had background checks, fingerprints and in-depth details of my past with our social worker during our home study. Once we had finished our home study I felt a sign of relief. I thought it was all uphill from there, and for the most part, it was.

Shortly after going “active” we were matched with our birth mother. She was perfect. We loved her, she loved us, things couldn’t get better. During placement we continued our monthly visits with Megan and we stated to discuss finalization. A few weeks before finalization we received a notice that the judge had appointed a Guardian Ad Litem to represent our babies during finalization, which doesn’t always happen. This was something we were not expecting. We had loved and cared for these babies for six months, and now someone we just met was going to represent them in court. My stomach instantly became sick; I knew it was my fault, I knew this was because of my past, I instantly started to cry and called Megan. Megan shared that similar to the termination of parental rights (TPR) hearing, the Guardian Ad Litem would be contacting us to ask us some questions. A few days later I received a call, I answered some questions, explained my story and he told me he looked forward to meeting at court. One of the first things brought up at our hearing was my background and history of alcoholism. The judge asked the Guardian Ad Litem if he felt I was fit to be a mother and he gave the most genuine reply as I hugged my babies. He said he couldn’t imagine a more open, honest, loving family for these babies; that I had taken to steps to repair my wrongs, and I was absolutely fit to be a mother. This was one of the greatest moments of my life. I was officially a mother.

I wanted to share my story because I want people to know that your past doesn’t dictate your future. I want other women like myself to know that a not so perfect past does not mean you don’t get a perfect future! My life is by no means “perfect,” but in my mind, being a mother is the most beautiful opportunity I’ve ever had and that makes my life perfect.

- Written by an AOW adoptive mom