An Interview With Birth Parents

Background: Jessica is 5 months pregnant and due in January. She and Michael are making this adoption plan together. They are already parenting two small children and decided that they can’t afford to take care of any more children. They are matched. Adoptions of Wisconsin's Claire Schulz Bergman sat down with Jessica and Michael to interview them about the adoption process.

Q: What surprised you about the adoption process so far?

A (Jessica): The process was easier than I thought. I expected a lot of paperwork and to have to meet a lot of people. All I wanted was a loving couple for my baby. I wanted a family without kids who was financially stable and had steady jobs. I looked through the profiles that you gave me and decided to meet two couples. Both were great, we just connected with one more than the other.

(Michael): I felt “relief” when we matched because we didn’t have to worry anymore. We didn’t have to worry that we wouldn’t find anybody and end up having to care for a child we couldn’t afford. We wanted people who were honest and genuine to take care of our baby and we really think we’ve found them.

Q: Why did you feel more connected to the couple you chose?

A (Michael): They were more “like us.” They were really easy to talk to and made us feel at ease.

Q: You have spent some time with and communicated with the couple you chose since you initially met them. What has it been like for you to have contact via phone/text and spend time together with them?

A (Jessica): This really helped us because it feels like they are who they say they are. We feel like we can trust them and share in their excitement of becoming new parents. We went to a park with them to introduce our other kids to them and it was great watching them interact with our kids. They jumped right in and started playing with them. It showed us what they’d be like with this baby (that they are going to adopt). We want to have visits in the future because we want our kids to know this baby and getting together with them was a glimpse of what it would be like in the future when we get together for a play date.

We also went to the ultrasound together and found out what the sex of the baby is. It was really fun watching them see the baby for the first time. This is their first baby and they’ve never been through an ultrasound before.

We text frequently and I am able to ease my worries by telling them what I would do if I was going to care for him (like, buying footed pjs, recommending formula that worked for my other kids, etc.). It helps me feel like I can also prepare for his arrival and get excited with them.

Q: Are you starting to feel attached to your baby?

A (Jessica): Yes. How could I not be attached, he’s growing inside me! I love him and am doing adoption because I know I can’t provide for him and they can. I know he will be taken care of and getting to know them [the APs] better helps me really know this.

(Michael): I’m getting more attached than I probably should be. But, I know that doing adoption will be better for our other kids, too, and open adoption will allow our other kids to know this one.

Q: Do you have any fears about the adoption process?

A (Jessica): The usual parent worries, I just want to make sure that the APs are prepared.

Q: What advice would you give to others considering placing their child for adoption?

A (Jessica): Think of the baby. Meet as many families as you need to so that you can find the best one. Have enough time so that you can build a relationship with the adoptive parents before your baby is born. Have a few questions that you know you want the answer to at the first meeting, but don’t be overly structured about it.

(Michael): Have an open heart and an open mind. Keep the baby’s best interest first. Be honest with yourself, what is best for the child?

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A (Jessica): The APs have become an extension of our family. Since we’re getting to know them, they aren’t just people who are going to take care of our baby, they are like extended family members. This is what we wanted and I really believe that this is how it’s going to be.

(later Jessica texted this to me): I was thinking back on our first meeting with you and you made it really easy and pleasant. When I first made the call to the agency and was going to meet with you, I was kind of nervous that you would be someone like a case worker… up tight and straight corners… but you weren’t. Meeting you and having someone like you for this process has made it a lot easier in this whole thing.

*Not their real names

Beating the Adoption Waiting Game

Relaxing up north

It is never an easy time for adoptive parents while waiting to be chosen by a birth parent. It can seem more manageable when you are busy completing education requirements, creating your profile or finishing the home study - at least then it feels like you're doing something! There is often a period of time between becoming home study approved, moving into the active program and becoming matched with a birth parent. The wait time is often uneventful and frustrating, but it is something that all adoptive parents go through and can identify with.

The key to keeping positive thoughts flowing about your adoption plan is to keep yourselves busy! One of our waiting families, Michelle and Jamie, are doing just that by getting outside and enjoying the summer sunshine.

Michelle and Jamie love visiting up north with family and friends at their cabin. The family of three takes a trip up north at least once a summer. They love swimming in the lake, going fishing and playing games together. This summer they are lucky enough to be traveling there twice; once with their friends and neighbors and once with their siblings and families. They also enjoy warm bonfires at night-which we hope includes roasting some delicious s'mores! Michelle and Jamie would love to bring another child with them on their next summer trip.

Although the waiting period is hard for adoptive families, there are ways to make it go a little faster. It is important to remember why you started this journey and to imagine where it will take you. Our agency is here to guide and provide assistance to adoptive parents during these stressful moments.

Family celebration!

Father's Day celebration at the Union in Madison

Fishing with Mom and Braden

Mini golfing "dangers"!

Jamie participates in Thursday evening fishing league

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption

"In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" is a book written by an adoptive parent and is a book AOW highly recommends to those who are going through the adoption process. One grandma recently read In on it and wrote the following:

Quite some time ago we met our son and his beautiful wife for lunch—they wanted to talk to us.

We quickly moved to “might they be pregnant? Or moving? Changing jobs? Going back to school?” On our way to meet them we discussed all of these choices, secretly hoping that they might be expanding their family.

The first words out of our son’s mouth were “we’re not pregnant” and then he excitedly told us that they had decided to adopt and had chosen an agency.  Both of them were so excited and we shared their joy.  Adoption was part of our family already as my brother had grown his family through adoption many years ago.

I began reading. A lot. And yet, nothing prepared me for the insensitive questions that my friends brought forward when I shared this new chapter in my life.  The questions seemed personal, inappropriate, even rude.  This reality sent me on a new search for information for the extended family and friends of the adoptive parents.  That is when I found IN ON IT: WHAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ADOPTION – A GUIDE FOR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS by Elisabeth O’Toole.

I promptly ordered my own copy of this book. It proved to be an excellent source of inspiration, education and insight for those that are part of the adoptive family but outside of the adoption triad of birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee.  I found myself looking at certain chapters over again to understand the patience, excitement and stress of my loved ones and in the process I learned appropriate language, appropriate topics of conversation with them and appropriate ways to address comments that were directed at me.

The humor and honesty of Elisabeth O’Toole has equipped me to be honest in educating others when I am told “how lucky” our grandchild is – or when I am asked “where did he come from?” or “what happened to his real mother”.

Really? Why do people lose their filter when being told that someone is adopting? IN ON IT helped me to understand that I was not alone in navigating these choppy waters – losing a filter is pretty normal and we are all IN ON IT enough to educate others.

I see this book as a ‘must read’ for everyone seeking to understand the adoption story and their role in the adoption circle.

We have had the joy of welcoming grandchildren into our lives – biologically and through careful adoption planning.  In our eyes, they are all our grandchildren. They are loving cousins to each other, and they all are the start of a new generation in our extended family.

We are blessed.

For Birth Mothers Day, From an Adoptive Mom

In honor of Birth Mothers Day on May 13, 2017, we are honored to share a blog written by an AOW adoptive mom.

Read her blog

Birth Mother Stories: Deja

Birth Mother Stories: Deja's Story

My name is Deja. I am 21 years old and I was born and raised in Madison, Wisconsin. I placed my son Elijah up for adoption in October of 2016 and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made thus far in my life. When I was 4 months pregnant I found out that I was expecting. My first thought was to get an abortion. I thought I had my mind set so I started the process. I went to my first appointment where they gave me an assessment and asked various questions about why I wanted to do abortion. After the two hour appointment I made my next appointment which would be the abortion. I did all the paperwork, I took the dilation pills and then it was time to get the ultrasound to see the placement of the baby. When they put the probe on my belly I got anxious. Then I looked at the computer screen and I saw a baby. A baby with a heartbeat. A baby that was moving, kicking, and sucking its fingers. My heart dropped into my stomach. I couldn't do it. I started crying and saw that I bleeding and thought I was losing this baby but I got up, put my clothes on and left. I remember speeding out of the parking lot, almost hitting a sign and I kept going without looking back. I stopped at the PDQ gas station and parked. I thought, “What am I going to do now? I can’t take care of another baby. I already have two kids I’m struggling with. God help me”. I wondered and cried about what I was going to do next and I still didn't know.

Three days after that, I looked on the internet for adoption agencies and that is where I found Adoptions of Wisconsin. I gave them a call to set up an appointment. I knew that I couldn't parent this innocent child and that he didn't deserve to be taken off this earth because it wasn't his fault he was here. That is where my journey began. I met a woman by the name of Megan. She was a pretty, young, educated woman whom I was drawn to at first sight. I knew she would be there with me through it all and she has been, even after my parental rights were terminated. I had the jitters in my belly. I was scared and anxious about this whole thing but I began to open up and explain to her why I wanted to choose adoption. She then gave me a folder with lots and lots of beautiful different families inside of it. I looked that over for about a week and saw a couple that I thought would be perfect. I called Megan and told her, and from there she set up our first meeting with each other.

We met at a little cafe in Sun Prairie. Boy was I scared and had knots in my stomach. I thought “What if they don't like me? What if they don't want an African American baby? What if they don't want a baby boy? Are they nice?” Then as I saw them walk into the back of the café, my face lit up and conversation flowed so easily. I knew they were the right parents for my son Elijah! And that's how I chose them! From then on I was set on them parenting my child and that I was going to go through with this. I always had the thoughts in the back of my mind – “What if I wanted to parent my baby? How I would be able to have this child I’d been carrying and hand it over to stranger? What would my baby think of me? Would he hate me? Would he think I didn't love him?”

On October 4th of 2016 I got to the doctor’s office and they said they wanted to do the c section that day because Elijah was not gaining weight inside of me. Megan raced to the hospital and sat with me and comforted me while we waited. I was so scared. We then called the adoptive parents. I was so nervous because they weren't answering. Shortly after, they returned the calls and were so shocked this was all happening that day. They rushed right over to Meriter hospital where I was. The adoptive mom was in the room with me the whole time during the c section. I felt so safe and so much love and support with her just being there but I was scared to be going through yet another c section. Didn't take long until we heard this little mouse like cry and it was Elijah who weighed 4 lbs 4 ounces! I cried tears of joy as they took him and cleaned him up and rolled him out to see his parents. His dad got to even cut his umbilical cord! I was in the hospital for a few days to recover.

I had initially decided I didn’t want to spend much time with him. It felt too dangerous for me to get my heart too attached to this fragile baby that I knew I couldn’t care for. But I was already attached. I love Elijah so much and decided that I did want to hold him and get some pictures with him. I held Elijah maybe twice and took one picture with him and his new family. My family came and so did the adoptive parent’s family. Everyone came to meet this new bundle of joy who had so many people who loved him. Elijah spent most of his first days in the hospital with his adoptive parents which made me both happy and sad, but I knew what I had to do. When I was leaving, I went in to say goodbye to them and to my now, few days old baby boy Elijah. That was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do in my life. I cried and cried and told the adoptive parents, “Thank you and I love you guys and please take good care of our baby boy!” Megan was there and we went back into my hospital room where I cried even more. Then I left. I was so torn up but I knew this was right for me and for my baby boy.

Now after all of this, I’m close with the adoptive parents and they genuinely love me and love Elijah. All the worries I had went out the window.  I still get those “what if” moments and sometimes it is hard but I still know I wouldn't have had it any other way! I recently saw him and got to spend time with him. He is now 3 months old and getting so big! Such a handsome little man with amazing parents. All of this wouldn’t have been possible without open adoption. Thank you to Megan for making this the most comfortable and life changing experience and for being there through it all. Thank you to the adoptive parents for being in my life and parenting my son Elijah. He will always know he has two mommies and two families that love him with all of their hearts. And thank you Adoptions of Wisconsin you have really forever changed my life in the most amazing ways.

Deja

Getting Caught Up in the "Me, Me, Me"

As adoptive parents it's easy to get caught up in "me, me, me" but we learned from you how to honor these women and their families.

Kind words from an adoptive parent:

Sitting down to write you a few words of thanks feels bittersweet. You've helped us know the sweetest thing, parenthood! But we feel sad at the same time, we've grown to feel that you are a part of our lives and it seems strange that we won't talk or see you as often.

We cannot speak more highly of what you do! You provide dignity and respect to all of the expectant families you work with. As adoptive parents it's easy to get caught up in "me, me, me" but we learned from you how to honor these women and their families. To try to understand a small part of what this experience is like for them.

We are so fortunate to have worked with you and have been able to be part of this process of creating a family with AOW. Thank you will never be enough.

Why We Chose to Work With AOW: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

Deciding to adopt a child is a very personal decision to make.  Every family has their own reasons or circumstances that lead to adoption, for us it was secondary infertility.

Once our decision to adopt was made, we began our journey to find an adoption agency.  As most people do, we started our search online.  The moment you enter any search about ‘adopting a baby’ the national agencies appear on the top of the list.  We quickly learned there are both local and national agencies out there and we learned we had a ton more research to do.  After looking at several websites and doing lots of reading, we decided on two local agencies and one national agency to consult with.

Our first meeting was with Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW), who is also ultimately who we choose to work with.  The tone of the meeting was exactly as the website stated.  This agency is about honoring the birth parents right to choose us.  We were informed that the journey is long and could take years before the right match and placement would occur.  We were provided much information on how AOW social workers work with mothers to ensure an adoption plan is what is best for them and the child, with the focus always remaining on the child.  There were no promises provided to us aside from the promise to have open and honest communication throughout the journey.  We were provided a list of costs associated with the agency and lots of reading materials about how a home study works, writing a family profile, adoption education and a copy of the application form that would not be required until there was an opening on the waiting list.

The next consultation was a two hour phone call with a national agency.  Prior to taking our call we were required to complete a seven page application that asked us about everything from our personal appearance to all the assets we own.  We were required to email them this completed form along with a picture of our family before they would schedule our call.

During the phone call we were made several promises.  A good-looking family like us could have a baby of our choosing in three months.  They bragged about how they come up first on all the web searches related to adoption because they pay big money to ensure they always appear to birthmothers first.  When a pregnant woman contacts them they ‘find’ a local social worker who will meet with the birthmother and then contract with the social worker to assist in the placement of the child.  If the birthmother starts to get cold feet they had a new weapon in their arsenal, a woman who placed her child for adoption years ago who will call the birthmother and talk them back into the adoption plan.  They found that she was 97% effective in ensuring placements.  They then mailed us a shiny brochure on how to contact a local professional photographer to get the best shots of our family and a DVD on how to make the best video to plead for a child.  The icing on the cake is when they gave us their prices.  They wanted $16,800 upfront to spend on marketing!  This money would not be used on legal fees or expenses for the mother, those were an additional cost.  This was simply how they would guarantee a fast placement through marketing.  We were even given advice on how to take out a 2nd mortgage or apply for tax credits to pay for everything.

After this call my head was spinning for days.  Of course the lure of a quick placement was attractive to a family who was unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for a number of years.  We just couldn’t get past how wrong the entire approach felt.  Adopting a baby is not about speed of placement, it is about making a lifelong commitment to a child and their birth family.  This is a journey not a sprint.  My heart was breaking for all the mothers out there who were being lured into the promises I can only imagine being made to them that I was sure would somehow be broken.  How can you promise an open adoption with annual visits to a woman on the other side of the country?  I know that is a false promise I could never make but wondered how many people would.

For our family, the decision became crystal clear.  We needed to work with an agency that had the best interest of all parties in mind.  This process was not all about us, it was only partially about our family and how it would change and grow through the miracle of adoption.  It was about opening our lives to not only the baby but the birth parents if that was their choice as well.  It is about keeping the promises we make and ensuring we had an agency that could support us no matter what those promises look like.  It is about the long term benefits of our family, this new baby, and the glorious mother who would place the child in our arms.

We believe that is only possible by using a local agency that is dedicated to the care and well-being of the birthmother and honoring her choice of us to parent her child.  We also know that the journey doesn’t end with placement; it is a lifetime commitment we are all making together.  It is about the mother, the child, our family and the lifelong support of the agency that brought us together.

Waiting for a match: An honest answer from an adoptive mom

I was 42 and my husband 51 when we decided that adoption was the right thing for our family of two. I had always known that I wanted to adopt a child, to me it was a beautiful way to create a family. I had been thinking about becoming a parent since my twenties but life didn’t work out to build a family until I was past 40. In essence, I’d been dreaming about becoming a parent for twenty years!  My husband and I were on the same page: adoption….open adoption from Wisconsin…infant.  It was finally happening, this life event that had eluded me for two decades, we were going to be parents and have our own family!

Initially the waiting was fun, I was always doing something for the adoption process.  I’m a doer, so working on our homestudy was something very satisfying.  I found the list of things I needed to make, prepare and fill out very rewarding.  I was actively working towards being a parent and the more I completed on the homestudy checklists the closer I was to making the reality of being a parent come true.  From taking parenting classes together, working on several birth family introduction letters/books to filling out and turning in all the paper work… this process lasted us nine months, nine months of active busyness that I genuinely enjoyed!

I remember the day when our homestudy was complete, I secretly thought, “We are going to be different then the multitudes of other adoptive parents who have gone before us, a birth family is going to see our profile in the next few weeks and we’ll be parents soon, I can feel it!”.  Then three months went by and then five and then our first Christmas in silent waiting.  We’d been shown to many birth families but no one had asked to meet with us.   The rejection started to creep in.  I would call our social worker asking, “Is there something more we could do?  Should we take new pictures?  Post different pictures on our adoption page?  Are we too old?  Do we not have the right interests/hobbies/jobs?”. I was embarrassed to tell people, even my husband, how often I was thinking about adoption and becoming a parent.  If I was honest with myself, I was thinking about it many times a day for months on end.  However, when friends or family would ask how things were going I would put on a happy, positive expression and tell them that we were certainly learning a lot about patience and the right baby would come when it was time.  I could say these words out loud but I was not able to trust in them to bring myself relief.

Days before Christmas 2014, nine months after our homestudy was complete, I had received a text from a friend saying that she wanted me to know that she’d been praying for our adoption.  Up until this point I had not let anyone know of my deepening sadness over our wait, not even my husband.  I had never shed a tear or a said a negative word, I was always the picture of positivity.  The beautiful text my friend sent and Christmas being days away I realized I had again set a timeframe in my mind without knowing it, that we’d for sure have a baby by Christmas.   And now this season was here, with all of it’s glitter and emphasis on children and we did not have a child, in fact we had had no interest from birth families at all.  I broke down.  I cried for days.  My husband had no idea what to think of my outburst, I finally told him about my silent grief.  I expressed my concern that there was no place for grief in the celebration of Christmas, how was I going to function at the very soon coming family celebrations?  I fell deep into depression for three days.  I was scared what would happen when Christmas Eve arrived, how could I possibly put on a happy face?   What if someone asked about the adoption process and how it was going? I didn’t want to cry in front of family.  I needed to allow myself to grieve, something I had not outwardly ever done, so I let myself grieve and cry, it felt like a death.  And then as quickly as it had come, this outward sadness, it seemed that I could manage and I somehow enjoyed the holiday.

Within a few months of Christmas we experienced the absolute joy of being matched with a birth family and the planning to become parents was in full swing!   And then a few months later the match dissolved, the birth family decided to parent the baby that was expected.  This news was devastating, I struggled with what I was to do with myself each day.  The past few months I was preparing for a baby and now I didn’t know how to fill my time, what was I doing, who was I?  I was dealing with accepting that we might never become parents.  I began to wonder if we weren’t supposed to be parents, had we made a mistake to pursue adoption?

By summer I was sinking, struggling somedays to function.  I had started seeing a life coach about a year prior to work on my emotions and to put into perspective my expectations of the process of adoption.   It was hard work, I often felt that it was getting harder than easier as I needed to dig deeply into why waiting for a child engulfed my emotions.  In the end, I am not sure that I did a good job with the waiting, it was hard, but I can say that I worked very hard at “waiting well”.

Listed below are a few things that I did to try to “wait well”:

• Prayer - I am a doer, so if I want something I just figure out how to get it, work hard and reach the goal. With adoption I could not use this method to get to the end result.  I had to trust, be patient, others were in control and this was tremendously hard for me.  I am a Christian and found that time in prayer, persistent prayer was really a way for me to be still and accept that I was not in control and that I could trust in the process.  It was a calming tool that I used daily.

• Be thankful for all that I already have. One day I started writing a list of everything I was thankful for in my life and I listed 74 things. 74!!!  When I was having a difficult day I would reread this list and it would bring me hope and peace in knowing that my life was pretty amazing and having a baby come home was not the only good thing in our life.

• Prepare - In the waiting I could be preparing. I had tons of time to prepare for being a parent.  Taking time to travel, read, take parenting classes, researching the best things to buy for baby, visiting family, preparing the nursery, learning more about open adoption, spending time with my spouse.

• Keep perspective….when it’s time for our baby to come home, our baby will come home. I needed to trust in this truth and had to remind myself of this daily.

• Press On! Keep moving ahead.  There are things to be done today…ways to grow, serve others and learn new things that are always right in front of us but we can easily miss them or ignore them as we are worrying about tomorrow.  The question I posed to myself is how can you grow right where you stand right now?  Don’t waste your wait!

August 2015 brought great blessing as we welcomed a daughter into our family!  The perfect little girl and the perfect birth family.  It would be easy now to say that the wait was worth it and went by fast.  Well, the wait was worth it!  But it did not go by fast and it wasn’t easy.  There is value in waiting; it builds patience and the capacity to endure.  Times of waiting for something else in the future will be inevitable, our hope is that we will not waste the wait and wait well.