A Mom-To-Be's Mindset and Advice: Laura

Mother’s Day can be a real bear if you want to be a mom and aren’t. It starts in April every year: store ads, radio commercials, social media content, memes, and even watercooler talk. It snowballs into the one weekend when it feels like everyone is celebrating except you. It can be a lonely, sad place.

Maybe you feel that way too. And if you do, you’re not alone. So many of us have a hard time with Mother’s Day—it’s an emotional day for lots of people, though you might not know it if you didn’t have a pass into this unsought club.

My husband and I always wanted kids. When we learned that becoming parents was going to be far tougher than we ever realized, Mother’s Day became a day on the calendar day that I wanted to erase. Not because I don’t care about my mom—far from it, she’s great and absolutely worth celebrating – but because it just was too painful to feel like I was sitting out on the sidelines of some sport that I didn’t have a permission slip to join. It wasn’t a great place to be.

Starting the wild ride of the adoption process and being on the waiting family list has added another dimension to this upcoming holiday. I’ll admit it is still hard; however, instead of just the familiar stinging heartache, there is also a calm realization that we might be closer to this dream than we ever have been. Grief and sadness are being eclipsed by a feeling of hopeful gratitude.  Perhaps someone might recognize in us what I’ve known all along- that we have what it takes to be a really good, caring, and fun parents. I’m still waiting for that moment, but the thought that it will happen makes the month of May brighter.

One of the things that led to this journey was that an adoptive mom told me that her grueling, unsuccessful fertility treatments and losses, her heart was made whole after adopting her children. I too dream of finding those pieces and feeling that peace. I’m also thunderstruck by the understanding that, to become what I want to be, someone else has to make the decision not to become a parent, which is a humbling concept.

Maybe you feel like I have about this day for any number of reasons, or maybe you have a friend or family member who does. Over the years I have learned a couple lessons that have made it easier.

If you are wanting to be a mom and aren’t one yet, please go easy on yourself. Do what makes you feel best to get through that day. Remember that it’s one day of the year- there are lots of other good ones if this one feels bad or hard. Do something to feed your mind, your body, and your soul: some good food, a walk, a bath and a fun face mask, or a good book. Do something that will make you laugh, or play with a pet, or go see a movie. Go to a family event if you want to, but be prepared in case you need to leave early, and know that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Consider using social media sparingly, unless you’ve figured out better settings than me (in which case, please teach me!).

If it feels like the right thing, maybe take some steps toward fulfilling your dream, whatever it may be. The one thing that helped me the most was when we decided to adopt and started the process. We began our journey right before Mother’s Day last year and it made the holiday much more pleasant.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who wants to be a mom but isn’t yet, please be patient and kind to them on Mother’s Day. Respect their feelings and their wishes. If they can’t make it to a celebration that day, be understanding. If they need a laugh, help them find humor. If they need a shoulder to cry on, please be there without judgment or clichés. I’d suggest that you not tell your friend that their pets count as children or that you’ll give your kids to them because they are so naughty. Don’t tell them how much money they are saving by not having kids, or over-sympathize (For instance, sending a text that says “I think of you every year on this day and how awful it must be” – that sort of thing doesn’t inspire many great moments). And please don’t complain about how lame your family’s presents were (um, hello, we’d love that dandelion bouquet and that drawing of what might be a stick person and/or a cat!).

There are a lot of us in this club who struggle through Mother’s Day. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that your future contains all the things you are wishing for and peace for your heart.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Laura

A Waiting Mother's Perspective: Jess

“Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits bestowed upon us.”- Sheri L. Dew

Mother’s Day has taken on a number of meanings throughout the changing seasons in my life. As a child, I distinctly remember the sheer thrill of presenting my mother with a bouquet of dandelions and hand-written cards with backwards letters; it was a time to rejoice in the beauty of spring and the continued budding of the relationship formed between mother and daughter.  

As a young adult I began to wonder what it might be like to be celebrating another changing role—Me as a mother. I couldn’t wait to be on the receiving end of precious hand-written cards and other homemade assortments; to pay forward the beauty of the mother-daughter relationship I have been fortunate to develop throughout my life. I reflected on this experience with loving anticipation and excitement of what might be—a daughter, whose smile and dimples reflected my own.

Time raced on, as it does, and life threw me a curve ball in the form of fertility struggles in my late twenties. After a failed round of fertility treatments and a negative pregnancy test on Mother’s Day; it became clear that achieving parenthood was going to be an emotionally and physically draining obstacle course. Just as the seasons change, the second Sunday in May again took on a new meaning-- this time filled with the unique and raw pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that may never come.

Now, in my early thirties, I am a prospective adoptive mama and the meaning of Mother’s Day has yet again morphed. I have learned that this day of celebration takes on the meaning you give it. It is within my own power to focus on the positive. As I wait, I move forward with a grateful heart; I yearn to meet my child’s first mother--to know her, respect her, and honor her.  After all, without her, my vision of this special day, could never come to fruition.

To my future child, whom I already love with every cell in my body, know that as I anticipate receiving bouquets of dandelions and handcrafted macaroni necklaces, I do so patiently, with a joyful heart. I promise to find wonder in the wait and look forward to the changing definition of Mother’s Day your presence will bring.

Written By AOW Waiting Mom, Jess.

An Adoptive Father's Parenting Story

Ben and Nick adopted their two sons, Sawyer and Harrison, through Adoptions of Wisconsin in 2013 and 2015. Becoming a family of four has challenges in itself. Things that parents often focus on are adapting parenting styles to meet the needs of two children, communicating effectively as a couple and making time for themselves.

Nick and Ben have had the added challenges of being a two-dad family. They opened up about what it's like to be asked, "So who's the mom?" and how they've responded to acquaintances reactions to their family and lifestyle. Written by Ben, he explains his own perspective about adoption, being a two-dad family and overcoming gender stereotypes.

"So you are the mom?

That's a question I get asked a lot by fellow parents, friends, family and casual acquaintances. I used to laugh it off as something funny, but always felt it was brash and lacked tact frankly. I am a gay male who is also a parent to two adorable boys with another man. Does that, then, make it so one of us has to be the mother? It made me think of a few more questions I will dare to answer in this blog. Am I female? Am I trying to take a woman's place or roles? Am I trying to portray the stereotypical attributes of a motherly figure? Does society always feel the need to label or categorize?

First off, no I am not a female. I have never been a female nor do I ever have the desire to be one. I love women and respect them and many of my best friends are female. However, I am not a female. Repeat I am male and I love men. Totally love being a gay male.

Secondly, both my husband and I could never take the place of either of our children's birth mother or father for that matter. How could we? They conceived them and made the ultimate selfless sacrifice to give me the opportunity to parent their child. Not be a mother, but a parent. Obviously I want female role models and influences in my kids lives. They have experiences and knowledge that I certainly don't. Do women and men have to have set roles or responsibilities in parenting? Why? Do we still live in a society where men cannot cook and clean and women can work and have no interest in house work or shopping? I certainly hope we do and that these people aren’t seen as abnormal or “modern day families.” Furthermore, if all males and females and everyone else all were treated equally and didn't come with societal baggage or discrimination would it be as necessary to categorize their roles or choices in parenting? I don't know. That dream is sadly way far off.

Third, we certainly have societal views of what a woman's role in parenting is. A lot of this ties in with my response to question number 2. If by being compassionate, nurturing, loving, and affectionate with my kids that makes me a mom then I hope all parents are moms. Or if that means cooking, cleaning, driving my kids to and from practices or endless doctor's appointments then again I hope all parents are moms.

I know by this point this may seem like a lot of ranting and maybe it is. However, that is because I do feel like society likes to label or categorize us. In order for the majority of society to make sense of same sex parenting one person has to fill a certain role or expectation in people's minds. Society does the same thing to single parents or lesbian parents or any set of parenting situations. Not all of society is a heterosexual married couple living in suburbia with a cat and dog and 2.5 kids. Most of society isn't. Let's stop placing labels on people and just let them be what they want to be. I'm just trying to parent the best that I can. Let's leave it at that."

At Adoptions of Wisconsin, we support LGBTQ+ families in joining our agency programs. We feel that everyone should have the opportunity to parent if that is their desire. We are focused on providing the best adoption services possible and are hopeful that more families like Nick, Ben, Sawyer and Harrison will be created with our assistance. Thank you, Nick and Ben, for reaching out about your experiences and your willingness to help others in similar situations.

An Adoptive Mom's Reflection: Contested TPR

An AOW adoptive mom wrote up an inspiring blog post about her real-life experience with a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) hearing. We thank her for her open heart, kindness and willingness to share with others.

"What does it mean to have a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)?  This is a rare situation, but it can happen and every family that chooses adoption should know that it is a possibility.  In a brief way, it means that one of the birth parents are fighting for custody or their parental rights.  It is a hard, hard thing to go through… so, let me tell you briefly about our story, what it felt like, and how grateful we are for our sweet girl.

When you first bring your child home, whether from the hospital or from a different setting, your only thought is about how much you already love the child.  You don’t think about the things that could go wrong with the adoption process, you don’t spend time looking up Wisconsin state adoption laws, and you certainly don’t think that it will take close to a year for finalization.

We brought home our baby girl and had our first court hearing about one and a half months later.  This was supposed to be a brief court hearing and it turned out to be our 2nd worst fear.  The birth father showed up to court to contest his rights.  He has the right to do this, it was just totally unexpected.  Getting the phone call from the attorney to tell us this was nothing but a blur.  Did I understand her right? Did she hear me sobbing like crazy on the other side of the phone?  Did she hear my anger? How am I going to call my husband and tell him this at work?  All of these thoughts and so many more were racing through my head while comprehending NOTHING that she was saying.

Through our own drive to learn, we started to do our own research.  We wanted to know the laws, what the process was from here, and try to understand the terms that are used in conversation.  Throughout a few more court dates, it was determined that our case was going to a jury trial.  Holy crap, right?  Since when was this possible.  Well, it is.  Throughout infertility, it is difficult to not ask yourself ‘Why us?’… well, here we were again saying ‘why us?!’  To make a long story short, there are several steps to a contested TPR.  Thankfully, we had an attorney and social worker that led us through the entire process.  Do not ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask them questions.  We don’t want to get into much detail about our story, but we want you to know that it all worked out!  Our sweet, smiley, adorable little girl is ours and continues to be our whole world.

How did it feel to go through a TPR? Horrible. Not good. Shocking and appalling.  There was nothing easy about it.  It consumed our daily lives, we talked about it daily between our families, and made us cherish our time with our girl even more.  It felt like time moved so slow.  It felt like our dreams were being shattered.  Not many people understand what the process is like.  We had to spend time educating our family and friends as they were trying to comprehend this process too.  But, through it all, we knew that we were going 150% through this entire process.  We were NOT stopping to fight.  We were not going to change our outlook on life.  And lastly, the financial burden that a contested TPR puts on adoptive families was not going to stop us.  We would do whatever it takes.

How did we get through a contested TPR?  Just looking at our princess was enough to make us smile many times a day, cry tears of happiness, and reiterate that our purpose in life was her.  When she went to bed was our time to chat.  We spent time together communicating, communicating, and more communicating.  Between the two of us, we talked about how we were feeling every day.  We understood that we would have different good/bad days, different emotions to every step of the way, and that any emotion was okay to have.  We leaned on our friends and family very frequently.  People are normally scared to ask questions or talk about bad things, but we encouraged our friends and family to ask any questions and that we wanted to talk about the adoption.  We would often get texts from our best friends that would say, “just checking in to see how you are doing.”  Knowing the amount of support that we had and still have is heart-warming.  The continual support from each other, our families, and our friends is what got us through this process.

Having this be our first adoption and going through a contested TPR, it is interesting to look back on the last year.  It went SUPER fast.  We still ask ‘why us?!’ but have come to reason with it.  We want others to know more about the possibility of a contested TPR than we did.  We want others to go into the process knowing that a contested TPR could happen.  We will never say that any of this was easy, it was extremely hard.  But, WE DID IT and we did it together… as a family of three!

If you find yourself in a situation of a contested TPR, our advice to you, is to lean on your family and friends.  You may have to educate them on the process, but it will be so worth it.  Find a new hobby with your new addition or do an activity together to keep busy.  You WILL get through it if you communicate, show each other love, give your new addition to the family extra hugs & kisses, and remember your purpose."

AOW Adoptive Mom, 2017

Funding Your Adoption: Baby K Bake Sale

Funding any long-term endeavor, whether it be completing your education, buying a home or pursuing adoption, often requires more money than can seem feasible. A common hesitation for prospective adoptive parents is the big dollar amount that is looming over the decision to pursue adoption. This leaves many families feeling frustrated or even giving up on their dreams of growing their family through adoption. Although there are hurdles to overcome, there are ways to fund your adoption journey outside of your income alone.

Kelly and Neil, a waiting family on AOW’s inactive list, have been getting creative with their funding ideas for “Baby K’s” adoption. Not only have they been doing extensive research about possible grants and fundraising options, but they have gotten creative with simple ideas that they could do. Kelly and Neil then reached out to family members to let them know about their adoption plan, and their support has been overwhelming! Kelly’s extended family in Tennessee immediately thought of having a bake sale to support Baby K. Take a look at some photos of the busy work days and the finished product. The story below is written in Kelly’s own words about her experience with funding her adoption journey.

Kelly and Neil with family busy decorating deserts

“Adoption has always been in our hearts. However, the expense of adoption was something that seemed overwhelming. I am a planner, so I had a plan for how we would make our family of four, which included adopting a child in our late thirties (when my husband had completed graduate school, which would give us two incomes, and life would be perfect). However, as we grew older and began to experience fertility problems I began to worry we might never be able to grow our family or we might have to wait another 10 years. It was then I decided we could do anything we put our minds to and we could find a way to pay for adoption and grow our family. I realized then that there was probably never going to be a time in the near future where we had an extra $30,000 laying around. Like any large, overly ambitious project I have talked my husband into tackling (such as quitting my full-time job and going back to graduate school, while remodeling our 100-year old home) I could put together a plan to grow our family through adoption. After meeting with a few agencies and discussing their practices, we decided that Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW) was the best fit for us. While the adoption fees were still a bit overwhelming they were broken down and spread out over a period of time, which seemed more manageable. I then put together a spreadsheet, including a budget and savings plan to our adoption fund.

As we started the adoption fund I began to look to see how others had funded adoption. I began reading blogs and looking on Pinterest for adoption grants and fundraising ideas. I started to share with family our plan of adopting and our potential plans for fundraising. Once on the inactive list we made an adoption announcement via email and social media to let our family and friends know of our upcoming plans! We were overwhelmed with the love and support we received from our family and friends. Not only were they so excited for us, but they wanted to know how they could help make our dream come true. We started a crowdfund with 501c3, where people could make a tax-deductible donation that could be directly applied to our adoption fees. We also had family and friends offering to host garage sales and bake sales to raise funds for Baby K. My aunt and cousin that live in Tennessee were avid bakers and had done many bake sale fundraisers. They began to make themed treats weekly, post pictures on social media and sell them at work. Friends and family in Wisconsin instantly started drooling over these baked goods and asking if they would ship. Because the baked goods were not commercial, shipping was not an option. However, my creative cousin came up with an idea to bring the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin for one weekend. We’re not sure they knew what they were getting themselves into. Neil created a “pre-order” form and my cousin created Disney-themed cupcake samplers and a variety of cookie options. Soon after the order form went live, we had nearly 500 orders for cupcakes and cookies. One week later we had over 950 cupcake orders and over 350 cookie orders. My aunt and cousin packed up their truck and brought the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin. They had pre-made and frozen many of the cupcakes, and then set up “shop” at her other cousin’s home for the weekend with banquet tables full of cupcakes to be individually decorated. My cousin spent three days decorating cupcakes on nearly no sleep. At the end of the weekend the task was complete! We spent two days afterward hand delivering cupcakes and cookies to family and friends throughout Southern Wisconsin and Northern Illinois. The “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” ended up raising a net of over $1,000. As my cousin and aunt packed up the truck to head back to Tennessee, they began discussing the next “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” and winter-themed cupcakes and cookies!”

A big thank you to Kelly and Neil for taking the time to write this blog post about funding your adoption. Also, we are excited to see where your adoption journey goes and can’t wait to see the winter-themed bake sale!

Disney-themed cupcakes

Disney-themed cupcakes

Some of the finished product!

The cupcakes look almost too pretty to eat!

Beating the Adoption Waiting Game

Relaxing up north

It is never an easy time for adoptive parents while waiting to be chosen by a birth parent. It can seem more manageable when you are busy completing education requirements, creating your profile or finishing the home study - at least then it feels like you're doing something! There is often a period of time between becoming home study approved, moving into the active program and becoming matched with a birth parent. The wait time is often uneventful and frustrating, but it is something that all adoptive parents go through and can identify with.

The key to keeping positive thoughts flowing about your adoption plan is to keep yourselves busy! One of our waiting families, Michelle and Jamie, are doing just that by getting outside and enjoying the summer sunshine.

Michelle and Jamie love visiting up north with family and friends at their cabin. The family of three takes a trip up north at least once a summer. They love swimming in the lake, going fishing and playing games together. This summer they are lucky enough to be traveling there twice; once with their friends and neighbors and once with their siblings and families. They also enjoy warm bonfires at night-which we hope includes roasting some delicious s'mores! Michelle and Jamie would love to bring another child with them on their next summer trip.

Although the waiting period is hard for adoptive families, there are ways to make it go a little faster. It is important to remember why you started this journey and to imagine where it will take you. Our agency is here to guide and provide assistance to adoptive parents during these stressful moments.

Family celebration!

Father's Day celebration at the Union in Madison

Fishing with Mom and Braden

Mini golfing "dangers"!

Jamie participates in Thursday evening fishing league

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption

"In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" is a book written by an adoptive parent and is a book AOW highly recommends to those who are going through the adoption process. One grandma recently read In on it and wrote the following:

Quite some time ago we met our son and his beautiful wife for lunch—they wanted to talk to us.

We quickly moved to “might they be pregnant? Or moving? Changing jobs? Going back to school?” On our way to meet them we discussed all of these choices, secretly hoping that they might be expanding their family.

The first words out of our son’s mouth were “we’re not pregnant” and then he excitedly told us that they had decided to adopt and had chosen an agency.  Both of them were so excited and we shared their joy.  Adoption was part of our family already as my brother had grown his family through adoption many years ago.

I began reading. A lot. And yet, nothing prepared me for the insensitive questions that my friends brought forward when I shared this new chapter in my life.  The questions seemed personal, inappropriate, even rude.  This reality sent me on a new search for information for the extended family and friends of the adoptive parents.  That is when I found IN ON IT: WHAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ADOPTION – A GUIDE FOR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS by Elisabeth O’Toole.

I promptly ordered my own copy of this book. It proved to be an excellent source of inspiration, education and insight for those that are part of the adoptive family but outside of the adoption triad of birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee.  I found myself looking at certain chapters over again to understand the patience, excitement and stress of my loved ones and in the process I learned appropriate language, appropriate topics of conversation with them and appropriate ways to address comments that were directed at me.

The humor and honesty of Elisabeth O’Toole has equipped me to be honest in educating others when I am told “how lucky” our grandchild is – or when I am asked “where did he come from?” or “what happened to his real mother”.

Really? Why do people lose their filter when being told that someone is adopting? IN ON IT helped me to understand that I was not alone in navigating these choppy waters – losing a filter is pretty normal and we are all IN ON IT enough to educate others.

I see this book as a ‘must read’ for everyone seeking to understand the adoption story and their role in the adoption circle.

We have had the joy of welcoming grandchildren into our lives – biologically and through careful adoption planning.  In our eyes, they are all our grandchildren. They are loving cousins to each other, and they all are the start of a new generation in our extended family.

We are blessed.

Why We Chose to Work With AOW: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

Deciding to adopt a child is a very personal decision to make.  Every family has their own reasons or circumstances that lead to adoption, for us it was secondary infertility.

Once our decision to adopt was made, we began our journey to find an adoption agency.  As most people do, we started our search online.  The moment you enter any search about ‘adopting a baby’ the national agencies appear on the top of the list.  We quickly learned there are both local and national agencies out there and we learned we had a ton more research to do.  After looking at several websites and doing lots of reading, we decided on two local agencies and one national agency to consult with.

Our first meeting was with Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW), who is also ultimately who we choose to work with.  The tone of the meeting was exactly as the website stated.  This agency is about honoring the birth parents right to choose us.  We were informed that the journey is long and could take years before the right match and placement would occur.  We were provided much information on how AOW social workers work with mothers to ensure an adoption plan is what is best for them and the child, with the focus always remaining on the child.  There were no promises provided to us aside from the promise to have open and honest communication throughout the journey.  We were provided a list of costs associated with the agency and lots of reading materials about how a home study works, writing a family profile, adoption education and a copy of the application form that would not be required until there was an opening on the waiting list.

The next consultation was a two hour phone call with a national agency.  Prior to taking our call we were required to complete a seven page application that asked us about everything from our personal appearance to all the assets we own.  We were required to email them this completed form along with a picture of our family before they would schedule our call.

During the phone call we were made several promises.  A good-looking family like us could have a baby of our choosing in three months.  They bragged about how they come up first on all the web searches related to adoption because they pay big money to ensure they always appear to birthmothers first.  When a pregnant woman contacts them they ‘find’ a local social worker who will meet with the birthmother and then contract with the social worker to assist in the placement of the child.  If the birthmother starts to get cold feet they had a new weapon in their arsenal, a woman who placed her child for adoption years ago who will call the birthmother and talk them back into the adoption plan.  They found that she was 97% effective in ensuring placements.  They then mailed us a shiny brochure on how to contact a local professional photographer to get the best shots of our family and a DVD on how to make the best video to plead for a child.  The icing on the cake is when they gave us their prices.  They wanted $16,800 upfront to spend on marketing!  This money would not be used on legal fees or expenses for the mother, those were an additional cost.  This was simply how they would guarantee a fast placement through marketing.  We were even given advice on how to take out a 2nd mortgage or apply for tax credits to pay for everything.

After this call my head was spinning for days.  Of course the lure of a quick placement was attractive to a family who was unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for a number of years.  We just couldn’t get past how wrong the entire approach felt.  Adopting a baby is not about speed of placement, it is about making a lifelong commitment to a child and their birth family.  This is a journey not a sprint.  My heart was breaking for all the mothers out there who were being lured into the promises I can only imagine being made to them that I was sure would somehow be broken.  How can you promise an open adoption with annual visits to a woman on the other side of the country?  I know that is a false promise I could never make but wondered how many people would.

For our family, the decision became crystal clear.  We needed to work with an agency that had the best interest of all parties in mind.  This process was not all about us, it was only partially about our family and how it would change and grow through the miracle of adoption.  It was about opening our lives to not only the baby but the birth parents if that was their choice as well.  It is about keeping the promises we make and ensuring we had an agency that could support us no matter what those promises look like.  It is about the long term benefits of our family, this new baby, and the glorious mother who would place the child in our arms.

We believe that is only possible by using a local agency that is dedicated to the care and well-being of the birthmother and honoring her choice of us to parent her child.  We also know that the journey doesn’t end with placement; it is a lifetime commitment we are all making together.  It is about the mother, the child, our family and the lifelong support of the agency that brought us together.

Waiting for a match: An honest answer from an adoptive mom

I was 42 and my husband 51 when we decided that adoption was the right thing for our family of two. I had always known that I wanted to adopt a child, to me it was a beautiful way to create a family. I had been thinking about becoming a parent since my twenties but life didn’t work out to build a family until I was past 40. In essence, I’d been dreaming about becoming a parent for twenty years!  My husband and I were on the same page: adoption….open adoption from Wisconsin…infant.  It was finally happening, this life event that had eluded me for two decades, we were going to be parents and have our own family!

Initially the waiting was fun, I was always doing something for the adoption process.  I’m a doer, so working on our homestudy was something very satisfying.  I found the list of things I needed to make, prepare and fill out very rewarding.  I was actively working towards being a parent and the more I completed on the homestudy checklists the closer I was to making the reality of being a parent come true.  From taking parenting classes together, working on several birth family introduction letters/books to filling out and turning in all the paper work… this process lasted us nine months, nine months of active busyness that I genuinely enjoyed!

I remember the day when our homestudy was complete, I secretly thought, “We are going to be different then the multitudes of other adoptive parents who have gone before us, a birth family is going to see our profile in the next few weeks and we’ll be parents soon, I can feel it!”.  Then three months went by and then five and then our first Christmas in silent waiting.  We’d been shown to many birth families but no one had asked to meet with us.   The rejection started to creep in.  I would call our social worker asking, “Is there something more we could do?  Should we take new pictures?  Post different pictures on our adoption page?  Are we too old?  Do we not have the right interests/hobbies/jobs?”. I was embarrassed to tell people, even my husband, how often I was thinking about adoption and becoming a parent.  If I was honest with myself, I was thinking about it many times a day for months on end.  However, when friends or family would ask how things were going I would put on a happy, positive expression and tell them that we were certainly learning a lot about patience and the right baby would come when it was time.  I could say these words out loud but I was not able to trust in them to bring myself relief.

Days before Christmas 2014, nine months after our homestudy was complete, I had received a text from a friend saying that she wanted me to know that she’d been praying for our adoption.  Up until this point I had not let anyone know of my deepening sadness over our wait, not even my husband.  I had never shed a tear or a said a negative word, I was always the picture of positivity.  The beautiful text my friend sent and Christmas being days away I realized I had again set a timeframe in my mind without knowing it, that we’d for sure have a baby by Christmas.   And now this season was here, with all of it’s glitter and emphasis on children and we did not have a child, in fact we had had no interest from birth families at all.  I broke down.  I cried for days.  My husband had no idea what to think of my outburst, I finally told him about my silent grief.  I expressed my concern that there was no place for grief in the celebration of Christmas, how was I going to function at the very soon coming family celebrations?  I fell deep into depression for three days.  I was scared what would happen when Christmas Eve arrived, how could I possibly put on a happy face?   What if someone asked about the adoption process and how it was going? I didn’t want to cry in front of family.  I needed to allow myself to grieve, something I had not outwardly ever done, so I let myself grieve and cry, it felt like a death.  And then as quickly as it had come, this outward sadness, it seemed that I could manage and I somehow enjoyed the holiday.

Within a few months of Christmas we experienced the absolute joy of being matched with a birth family and the planning to become parents was in full swing!   And then a few months later the match dissolved, the birth family decided to parent the baby that was expected.  This news was devastating, I struggled with what I was to do with myself each day.  The past few months I was preparing for a baby and now I didn’t know how to fill my time, what was I doing, who was I?  I was dealing with accepting that we might never become parents.  I began to wonder if we weren’t supposed to be parents, had we made a mistake to pursue adoption?

By summer I was sinking, struggling somedays to function.  I had started seeing a life coach about a year prior to work on my emotions and to put into perspective my expectations of the process of adoption.   It was hard work, I often felt that it was getting harder than easier as I needed to dig deeply into why waiting for a child engulfed my emotions.  In the end, I am not sure that I did a good job with the waiting, it was hard, but I can say that I worked very hard at “waiting well”.

Listed below are a few things that I did to try to “wait well”:

• Prayer - I am a doer, so if I want something I just figure out how to get it, work hard and reach the goal. With adoption I could not use this method to get to the end result.  I had to trust, be patient, others were in control and this was tremendously hard for me.  I am a Christian and found that time in prayer, persistent prayer was really a way for me to be still and accept that I was not in control and that I could trust in the process.  It was a calming tool that I used daily.

• Be thankful for all that I already have. One day I started writing a list of everything I was thankful for in my life and I listed 74 things. 74!!!  When I was having a difficult day I would reread this list and it would bring me hope and peace in knowing that my life was pretty amazing and having a baby come home was not the only good thing in our life.

• Prepare - In the waiting I could be preparing. I had tons of time to prepare for being a parent.  Taking time to travel, read, take parenting classes, researching the best things to buy for baby, visiting family, preparing the nursery, learning more about open adoption, spending time with my spouse.

• Keep perspective….when it’s time for our baby to come home, our baby will come home. I needed to trust in this truth and had to remind myself of this daily.

• Press On! Keep moving ahead.  There are things to be done today…ways to grow, serve others and learn new things that are always right in front of us but we can easily miss them or ignore them as we are worrying about tomorrow.  The question I posed to myself is how can you grow right where you stand right now?  Don’t waste your wait!

August 2015 brought great blessing as we welcomed a daughter into our family!  The perfect little girl and the perfect birth family.  It would be easy now to say that the wait was worth it and went by fast.  Well, the wait was worth it!  But it did not go by fast and it wasn’t easy.  There is value in waiting; it builds patience and the capacity to endure.  Times of waiting for something else in the future will be inevitable, our hope is that we will not waste the wait and wait well.