Toddler Tips: Baby, It's Cold Outside!

As the cold weather starts to roll in and activities are primarily limited to the indoors, parents must get a little more creative in keeping their children entertained. Especially in the Midwest, winters can be brutal and sometimes feel seemingly endless for even the most experienced parents. Throw in bad weather or illness to make parenting even more challenging. Those of us who have lived through many winters have learned a few things:

Go outside.

Yes, it’s cold and snowy, but one (or three) short play sessions outside can do wonders for everyone’s moods. If there’s snow, all the better. You can break out the sleds or teach your little one to build a snowman or make a snow angel. If not, it can be fun to visit a favorite playground or go on a dog walk in the winter. Just remember to keep little heads, hands and feet well-covered. Hot cocoa is a bonus when you get home.

Dance.

Sometimes the weather is truly awful, think sleet. Your little one will still benefit from letting off some steam. This is where you can introduce them to your favorite music from back in the day. Dance with your toddler and take advantage of an age where they still think you’re cool.

Arts and crafts.

Give your toddler a roll of aluminum foil (take it out of the package with the sharp edge) and a roll of tape and see what she comes up with. Maybe a helmet, a badge or a ship for a doll.

Enlist your “helper.”

Sometimes it’s easier to just do it yourself, but sometimes it’s more fun to have “help.” Your toddler can help you: fold laundry, dust, pick up his room and, best of all, make cookies. Music helps.

Cuddle.

If toddler or parent is feeling under the weather, let yourself cozy up with your little one with a blanket and a book or watch a movie. Maybe followed by a nap— something you’d both likely enjoy.

And remember, this too shall pass, leaving you with fond memories of playing in the snow, dancing, crafting and cuddling with your child, rather than remembering how long winters can be.

Home studies: What you can expect and what we expect of you

Once you arrive at the home study portion of your adoption journey, there are a few things you can expect.

Before we can schedule your home screening visits, we need all documentation fully completed. You can send your required documents to us via USPS, email, or as a Google Drive document. You may also submit completed documents by placing them in our drop-box outside our office. Whenever possible, please complete forms electronically. Please do not submit pictures of applications or other documents. 

Home studies expire annually and foster home licenses expire biannually. We want to ensure that your required screenings and documentation stay current. While we do our best to send reminders and guide you throughout the process, it is ultimately your responsibility to keep track of expiration dates. One month prior to your expiration, we will send you an update packet. Timeframes for completed screenings vary greatly, so it is up to you to return documents and respond to inquiries in a timely manner to ensure the update screening visit takes place before your expiration date.

When working with outside agencies, it is also your responsibility to know their individual requirements as every agency has slightly different requirements. 

Payments for screenings are due in full on or before your first scheduled visit with the social worker. Reports will not be submitted until balances are paid in full.

For 2 parent, step-parent, and relative adoptions, we ask that you wait until after your screening is complete before you schedule any court dates. Once a hearing is scheduled, please be sure to inform us.

If you choose to pursue another means to build your family or decide adoption is not right for you, please let us know.

We are here to help you and want your adoption process to go as smoothly as possible, but we need your help too! Thank you for your cooperation, we look forward to working with you.

What can I do with my child after placement before the adoption is finalized?

After placement of your child into your home, many families have questions about what they can and can’t do with their child before their adoption is finalized. Here are the answers to some of the most common questions we receive regarding post-placement/pre-finalization etiquette.

Can we travel with our child? Where can we go and who do we notify?

Yes, you can travel with your child after placement, but you must remain in compliance with the procedure determined by your social worker. It is perfectly okay to travel with your child anywhere (though you won’t be able to get your child a passport until their adoption is finalized) as long as you notify your social worker ahead of time and provide the dates you will be traveling and where you are headed— including each stop you make along the way. It is preferred that you share this information via email so that it can be retained for records and future reference so that your social worker can easily know where you and your child are and how to contact you.

Can we post pictures or videos of our child on social media?

If you have a foster care license through the state, you are not allowed to post any pictures or videos of your child to any social media platform prior to the finalization of their adoption. If you obtain your foster care license through AOW, you are allowed to post pictures or videos of your child on social media, so long as you have approval from the birth parents.

Who is allowed to visit or see our child?

This decision is entirely up to your own discretion. Anyone you would like can visit or see your child, but no one else can care for your child without proper screening and the required documentation is provided to your social worker.

Who can take care of our child when we are working or away from home? What form of childcare is recommended and what does our social worker need in order to approve it?

The short answer is that you can choose whichever form of childcare you prefer, whether that be a nanny, family member, or a daycare facility (except in-home daycare). Each of these requires a different process and varying documentation for the childcare provider to be approved by your social worker—though they are each comparably easy to get approved.

Here are the requirements:

Daycare facility: Prior to sending your child to a daycare, your social worker needs a copy of the daycare facility license. This can easily be emailed or mailed to your social worker directly by the daycare facility. Please note that your child is not allowed to be cared for at an in-home daycare prior to finalization.

Nanny: A nanny is considered a primary caretaker for your child if they care for the child regularly and for long periods of time. Once you find a nanny that suits your childcare needs, a background check must be completed. Your nanny will need to fill out a release of information to be sent to your social worker so that a background check can be completed for them.

Short-term babysitter: If you hire a babysitter to come on occasion for a few hours at a time, nothing is required to be approved by your social worker. Check with your social worker if you have questions about whether your caretaker is considered a nanny or a babysitter.

Family member: If you choose to have a family member care for your child in your home, your social worker does not need anything from you. However, if a family member cares for your child in their home or anywhere else, a walkthrough of their home must be completed by your social worker. This must be done prior to the care of your child outside of your own home. In order to make this step easier, a post-placement visit with your social worker could take place at the designated family member’s residence and the walkthrough can be completed at the same time.

It’s normal to have questions about what you can and cannot do with your child before their adoption is finalized and these are good things to keep in mind in order to remain in compliance. We appreciate your cooperation so that together we can keep your child safe and ensure that the adoption process goes as smoothly as possible!

Health Insurance for Children Placed for Adoption

Adoptions of Wisconsin knows how important access to health care and health insurance coverage is for children and families.

Adoptive parents typically take responsibility for the support of their child before the adoption becomes final. This can lead to questions about how to enroll a child who is not yet adopted on the potential adoptive parents’ health plan.

Fortunately, federal law provides that group health plans are required to provide coverage for children “placed for adoption” just like they would for any other dependent child of the family, “irrespective of whether the adoption has become final” (U.S.C. § 1169(c)). This means that once a child has been placed with their adoptive family, they are eligible for their family’s dependent health insurance coverage. Following the termination of parental rights of the birth parents, the child can be added to the adoptive family’s insurance coverage, even if the adoption is not yet finalized in court. This allows adoptive parents the security to fully support their child’s health as soon as possible.

Just remember to contact your insurer about enrolling your child as soon as you can. You may need to explain to your insurance company that your child is “placed for adoption.”

Keep in mind that health insurance plans are covered under various laws, which may also vary by state. Adoptions of Wisconsin does not provide legal advice or guidance. Please contact your insurance professional for more information.

Positive Adoption Language: Words Matter

Using positive adoption language means taking care to choose the words that are accurate and respectful  to all those involved in the adoption process. It can feel like a new language to learn when you first begin the adoption journey, but it becomes intuitive the more involved you are. Below are a few examples of some commonly misconstrued phrases in adoption.

Expectant parents/birth parents versus real parents/natural parents

• A person planning to place a child for adoption is an “expectant parent,” if the baby is not yet born. That person is a “birth parent” after the child is born. Referring to the expectant or birth parent as the “real” or “natural” parent diminishes the role of an adoptive parent chosen by the expectant parent and can imply that the adoptive placement is temporary, or not “real”.

Place for adoption/make an adoption plan/choose adoption versus Give up for adoption/surrender

• The expressions “give up for adoption” or “surrender” imply that the expectant parent(s) are giving their child up because they don’t want the child, or are simply throwing in the towel. In reality, the expressions “choose adoption” or “make an adoption plan” reflect the choice that the expectant parent makes when moving forward with an adoption, and honors his or her decision-making process. When an expectant or birth parent makes an adoption plan, he or she is making a significant parenting decision for that child.

Parents versus Adoptive Parents

• Even after the adoption is finalized, we sometimes hear the parents referred to as “adoptive parents.” Whether they created their family through adoption, birth or in some other way, they’re really just “parents.”

Expectant parents and adoptive parents have important roles in the adoption process and to the child at the center of the adoption triad. We can accurately and sensitively refer to the adult members of the triad who all care about the child’s best interests. We all struggle with changing terminology, however, so if you are ever wondering about meanings and what words are best, AOW’s social workers are happy to talk it through with you, without judgment.

Adoption Tax Credit 2021

In the document Revenue Procedure 2020-2045, the IRS listed the Adoption Tax Credit adjusted numbers for 2021. The maximum amount allowed in 2021 is set at $14,660, which is raised from $14,300 in 2020. The tax credit starts to phase out for families with modified adjusted gross income greater than $216,660 and is completely phased out for families with a modified adjusted gross income of $256,660 or more. When filing your taxes in 2021, you will be working with the income that you earned in 2020. Because of this, you must use the 2020 Adoption Tax Credit number of $14,300.

The Adoption Tax Credit applies to domestic, international and foster care adoptions. The Adoption Tax Credit does not apply to surrogate parenting or stepparent adoption. The tax credit is nonrefundable, but unused value can be carried forward and claimed on future tax returns for up to five years. The amount of the credit that is claimable by the adoptive parents is the amount that has been spent on adoption related expenses, up to the limit for that year. An exception to this is in adoption of a special needs child. In that case, the entire credit may be taken, regardless of the amount of expenses incurred.

For domestic adoptions that are not yet finalized, you may claim qualifying expenses for the credit in the year following the year the expense is paid. This means that you can claim the adoption tax credit for expenses paid even if a domestic adoption is never finalized. Expenses paid in the year an adoption is finalized can be claimed on that year’s tax return. Expenses paid after an adoption is finalized can be claimed for year the payment is made.

Travel expenses, meals, lodging, court costs, attorney fees, and other expenses directly related to the purpose of adoption are included as applicable to the adoption tax credit. The credit is scalable with more children. It doubles with two children, triples with three, etc. The Adoption Tax Credit is a credit, not a deduction. That means that if you spend $14,000 on adoption and are assessed $15,000 in federal tax, you would end up owing $1,000 in tax. This is different from a reduction in taxable income, such as mortgage deductions.

Some states have additional adoption tax benefits that apply in conjunction with the federal Adoption Tax Credit. Wisconsin, for example, provides for an additional tax deduction (not a credit) for parents of newly adopted children.

For more information on the Adoption Tax Credit, the National Council for Adoption is a good resource. Adoptions of Wisconsin does not provide tax advice or guidance. Please contact your tax advisor for information on the Adoption Tax Credit.

DNA Test Kits and Adoption

With the recent rise in prevalence and popularity of DNA testing companies, many adoptive parents and adoptees are wondering if DNA testing is something that they should explore. The related risks, rewards, reasons and ethics should be considered before you decide to use them. Once you undergo DNA testing, it cannot be undone.

Why does anyone choose a DNA test for themselves or their child? DNA test results can provide ancestral information, statistical health information based on DNA markers, and can be used to find biological relatives or verify biological parentage. Direct to consumer DNA testing is an appealing tool to find out more about one’s genetic makeup. On the other hand, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Information on birth parents that was once reasonably expected to remain confidential forever is now becoming increasingly discoverable. In this new age of seemingly endless available information, you should consider whether it is wise to contact a birth parent or other birth relative if their identity is discovered.

There are many heart-warming stories of people who have connected with birth families and previously-unknown relatives. DNA testing can find a missing branch of the family tree. However, there are also situations where such connections have not been welcome. Just because you are biologically related to a person does not mean that you will have much in common. Your genetics do not determine everything about you.

Some pros and cons to consider:

• DNA testing may reveal important medical or genetic information.

• Once you do DNA testing, it cannot be undone and you lose control of the information, to a large extent.

• DNA testing may be the only way for you to connect with family members.

• The birth family may not want contact.

• If the birth parents made an adoption plan with the expectation of privacy, that expectation may be entitled to respect.

• The birth family may not have disclosed fully, and you may find out things that you or they wish weren’t known.

• DNA testing may expose you or your relatives to potential identification in a criminal law situation.

Even in an open adoption, a child’s birth parents may not have communicated everything or anything about the adoption to their families. By using a commercial DNA testing service, you may inadvertently release information that the birth parents intended to keep confidential. It’s important to consider the impact that such disclosure can have on others, even those who have not submitted their DNA to testing, in addition to yourselves or your children.

The question of whether a parent should have their child tested is controversial. Testing can reveal important or meaningful information, but the act of testing takes the decision out of the child’s hands forever.

Am I A Mother I Am

Am I A Mother I Am

19 days. 456 hours. 27,360 minutes. 1,641,600 seconds.

None of them are simple numbers, easily divisible and sorted into categories. They are complex. Confusing. Difficult for my muddled brain to make sense of. None of them seem like enough. None of them can quantify moments of pure joy or relay the devastation of losing a child.

She got so excited by black and white shapes: her little legs kicking, arms flailing, eyes wide. Sometimes she’d shout at a complex pattern, enthralled by the contrast. I’ve watched the video of her doing it so many times that, in my exhaustion, I worry digital files can get worn out like a VHS. Maybe tape will start spitting out the sides of my computer and she’ll be lost to me again.

I spiral for hours, wondering what she looks like now when she gets excited, if she was scared when I left her at the agency, if she was happy when her birth mother picked her up, if I could have done something differently, if she forgot me already, if somehow my love imprinted on her, if that’s wishful thinking.

If if if.

The dog paces around the house. He whines at the nursery door that always stays shut. Does he wonder if we forgot her in there? He craved attention when she arrived, but now that she’s gone, he shies from my touch. He doesn’t have time for me, he’s anxious to find her. He lies in the empty space where her swing used to be, trying to show me she’s gone. I know, boy. I know.

The nursery has its own gravitational pull, the rest of the house orbiting around it, keeping our distance though it’s the center of our universe. But today I am a meteor, racing towards it. Cracking the door, I imagine I can still smell her. I can’t, it’s just a room that’s been closed a while. I can barely get in, it’s packed so full of baby detritus, the result of my attempt to rid us of reminders around the house. The floor is barely visible, but I wade through to pick up her strawberry blanket.

My sweet strawberry girl.

I wiped away spit up with this blanket. I know I haven’t washed it since. Desperately sniffing for a hint of her, I feel pathetic. I’m a cliché, a poster-girl for infertility. Wallowing in self-pity, I bury my face in her dirty clothes and howl and howl until the dog hides under the kitchen table. The force of this grief terrifies me, too.

No description sounds right:

Failed adoption. Ambiguous loss.

But no one failed and this grief doesn’t feel ambiguous.

One day she was here, the next she was gone. One day I am a mother, the next I am… what? She’s still out there in the world, she’s loved, I should be happy.

I’m happy.

Nineteen is an awkward number. On the edge of being something more impressive. No longer easy to comprehend, not quite fully realized.

No longer a mother, but not not a mother.

“Do you have any children?” feels complicated. I am both yes and no. I am an internal conundrum. I am broken into pieces that don’t fit. Each bit seems unknown to me. Elbow connected to knee, mouth where ears should be. I don’t know how I go together, or who I even am.

All that matters are the nineteen days she was mine.

The baby sleeping on my chest, warm weight snuggled between my breasts, nuzzling her face against my skin. The baby that loves the water, falling asleep in the bath and crying when I take her out.

Before I knew her, I loved her. Years passed sitting in the nursery waiting for her, longing for her. Again the rocker sits empty, my arms are empty, I am empty.

But any seeking of support must involve a preamble defending her birth mother. People imagine indignant anger towards her is how they should respond to my loss, and the thought repulses me. A mother needs her baby and I was never entitled to hers. She wasn’t an incubator. No choice was easy, no choice came without a twisted tangle of complexities before it.

I love the baby we both call daughter, though she’s no longer mine. She never really was, though I need to hold her in my heart. I need her close to keep surviving. I selfishly cling to my piece of her, needing to hold on to something. Anything.

I can’t let go. I can’t move on.

The rift left by her absence stretches wide between my husband and me; we can hardly see each other across the chasm. Weeks pass in loneliness. Resignation. Everyone and everything around us moves, but we are stuck.

Our entire lives have been a waiting room. Waiting on fertility doctors, test results, urologists, neurosurgeons, MRIs, therapists, social workers. Now here. Sitting in this nursery waiting to be filled, the silence so loud it screams.

We’re waiting to stop hurting. Waiting to stop missing her. Waiting to find each other again.

Waiting for what comes next.

Written by: Sophie Rhem

Published: Mom Egg Review - http://momeggreview.com/2020/09/14/am-i-a-mother-i-am-by-sophie-rhem/

Black Lives Matter

Black lives matter.

We at Adoptions of Wisconsin have been pretty quiet about the BLM movement on social media, as we consider what we can and should do. We recognize that Black people in America suffer as a result of systemic, institutional racism that creates disparities in health outcomes, educational and economic opportunities, and the impact of state violence. We also understand that white people benefit from many of these same systems.

But quiet is no longer helpful. So, first we look within.

As an adoption agency we recognize that the adoption triad (expectant parents, adoptive parents and children) does not exist in a racial vacuum. We are aware that the people we serve, and their families, may have been treated differently by various institutions as a result of their race. This concept will be articulated and made part of our official agency policies. We cannot allow ourselves to forget and we must strive to do better.

Next, we will look to children in our community. If adults are stressed by racial disparity, as well as Covid-19 and the economy, imagine the effects felt by children. We have been considering where our charitable dollars will most help children in our community, and we encourage others to do the same, if they are able.

AOW will contribute to Lussier Community Education Center (“LCEC”) where our social worker, Katy, is doing important work as a volunteer. Lussier is helping children faced with food insecurity by beginning their summer-camp programs, keeping their food pantry open and delivering weekly food boxes to families in need. LCEC has also began a “Support and Solidarity Network” to connect with neighbors and mobilize to meet specific needs.

Finally, we recognize that our children’s first and most significant teachers are their parents. AOW’s preadoption training has always included education on race issues. We are now asking our families to think even more critically about race as part of their home study process. We are prioritizing educating ourselves and encouraging our families to read and learn more about anti-racism. This article, for example, provides a useful starting point for parents looking for ways to begin these discussions with their children.

These steps reflect our values. AOW supports the Black Lives Matter movement.

Adoption Tax Credit

In the document Revenue Procedure 2019-44, the IRS listed the Adoption Tax Credit adjusted numbers for 2020. The maximum amount allowed in 2020 is set at $14,300, which is raised from $14,080 in 2019. The tax credit starts to phase out for families with modified adjusted gross income greater than $214,520 and is completely phased out for families with a modified adjusted gross income of $254,520 or more. When filing your taxes in 2020, you will be working with the income that you earned in 2019. Because of this, you must use the 2019 Adoption Tax Credit number of $14,080.

The Adoption Tax Credit applies to domestic, international and foster care adoptions. The Adoption Tax Credit does not apply to surrogate parenting or stepparent adoption. The tax credit is nonrefundable, but unused value can be carried forward and claimed on future tax returns for up to five years. The amount of the credit that is claimable by the adoptive parents is the amount that has been spent on adoption related expenses, up to the limit for that year. An exception to this is in adoption of a special needs child. In that case, the entire credit may be taken, regardless of the amount of expenses incurred.

For domestic adoptions that are not yet finalized, you may claim qualifying expenses for the credit in the year following the year the expense is paid. This means that you can claim the adoption tax credit for expenses paid even if a domestic adoption is never finalized. Expenses paid in the year an adoption is finalized can be claimed on that year’s tax return. Expenses paid after an adoption is finalized can be claimed the year the payment is made.

Travel expenses, meals, lodging, court costs, attorney fees, and other expenses directly related to the purpose of adoption are included as applicable to the adoption tax credit. The credit is scalable with more children. It doubles with two children, triples with three, etc. The Adoption Tax Credit is a credit, not a deduction. That means that if you spend $14,000 on adoption and are assessed $15,000 in federal tax, you would end up owing $1,000 in tax. This is different from a reduction in taxable income, such as mortgage deductions.

Some states have additional adoption tax benefits that apply in conjunction with the federal Adoption Tax Credit. Wisconsin, for example, provides for an additional $5,000 tax deduction (not a credit) for parents of newly adopted children.

For those looking for more information, the Congressional Research Service recently published a report on adoption tax benefits. Adoptions of Wisconsin does not provide tax advice or guidance. Please contact your tax advisor for information on the Adoption Tax Credit.