Will Our Child Have To Go Into Foster Care Before Being Adopted?

Many birth parents and adoptive parents wonder whether their child will have to go into foster care after birth and before the hearing. The good news is that foster care in this situation is no longer required. It is up to the birth parents and adoptive parents.

Adoptive families who have completed a home study and received a pre-adoptive foster care license are able to take the baby home from the hospital if the expectant birth parents feel comfortable with them doing so. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers work with expectant birth parents to create a hospital plan that outlines an expectant birth parent’s thoughts and decisions regarding her time at the hospital and her decisions regarding her baby’s care. The hospital and the adoptive family are provided a copy of the hospital plan prior to the baby’s birth. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers are available to provide counseling and support to both birth parents and adoptive parents during this time.

"We Keep Coming Back to Wisconsin"

The majority of the waiting families that Adoptions of Wisconsin works with reside in the state of Wisconsin, but one family in our active outreach program lives in Washington D.C. Scott and Patrick have expressed high motivation and intention throughout the adoption process, and feel a very strong connection to our state. Many members of their families reside here and they are often traveling to and from their home to visit and are always cheering on the Green Bay Packers. Patrick and Scott have been a pleasure to work with as they are always timely, responsive and optimistic when communicating with us about the adoption process. Scott and Patrick have been kind enough to write up a blog post for us about why they continue to pursue adoption through our agency and we are excited to share their story.

"We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

When we first decided to adopt, our adoption attorney suggested we interview a few agencies, and choose an agency we "connected" with.  After speaking with four different agencies in a week, there was no question Adoptions of Wisconsin was our first choice.  With a large family in Wisconsin, who we visit often, we've always felt a strong connection to the state and feel aligned with the personalities and values of the people who live there.  In our initial conversations with Hollie, Claire, and Megan, we immediately felt like part of the AOW family.  They were so kind, informative, and responsive to our questions and concerns.  And that same kindness has been shown to us throughout our time with their agency.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

Shortly after we were in the "active" pool of adoptive parents with AOW, we received news of a match from another agency that put us over the moon.  We called the ladies of AOW to let them know our good news, and while on the phone, we asked several questions of them, and hung up with more knowledge, and well wishes.  We almost felt guilty to be placed via another agency.  Adoptions of Wisconsin had been our choice from the beginning, but we could not pass up this opportunity to start our family.  During the process with the other agency, Megan would check with us periodically to make sure all was going well.  We know this was out of pure goodness, and we appreciated their concern.  Ironically, we felt AOW communicated with us more during this match period, than the other agency did.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

About a month before our son was to be born, the birth took place.  The birth mother decided due to the complicated birth, she would raise the child herself.  Our hearts were broken.  We grieved...but we knew what we had to do.  We called Adoptions of Wisconsin a few days later, and spoke with Megan.  We told her what had happened, and I am not sure who felt worse, her or us.  This again goes to show you the depth of the goodness that these ladies, and Adoptions of Wisconsin has for families like us, and birth mothers in need.  We received more words of encouragement, more counseling, and more support from AOW, than we did from the other agency.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

After grieving the "almost" adoption, we decided to focus on what is important to us, one more time.  Our family.  Our family is in Wisconsin, therefore, to us, it makes perfect sense to adopt from this state, despite being a 14 hour car ride away, we keep coming back to Wisconsin.  Just like the team at AOW, our family gives us the support, guidance, and love we need to live our lives, and raise our family.  We will always come back to Wisconsin, and we hope that soon, we will have a son or daughter through Adoptions of Wisconsin, to give us one more great reason to keep coming back to Wisconsin."

- Patrick and Scott, AOW Waiting Family

A huge thank you to Patrick and Scott who took the time to write this thoughtful post. We are excited for them to continue their adoption journey and hope that they are visiting often with the holidays quickly approaching!

An Interview With Birth Parents

Background: Jessica is 5 months pregnant and due in January. She and Michael are making this adoption plan together. They are already parenting two small children and decided that they can’t afford to take care of any more children. They are matched. Adoptions of Wisconsin's Claire Schulz Bergman sat down with Jessica and Michael to interview them about the adoption process.

Q: What surprised you about the adoption process so far?

A (Jessica): The process was easier than I thought. I expected a lot of paperwork and to have to meet a lot of people. All I wanted was a loving couple for my baby. I wanted a family without kids who was financially stable and had steady jobs. I looked through the profiles that you gave me and decided to meet two couples. Both were great, we just connected with one more than the other.

(Michael): I felt “relief” when we matched because we didn’t have to worry anymore. We didn’t have to worry that we wouldn’t find anybody and end up having to care for a child we couldn’t afford. We wanted people who were honest and genuine to take care of our baby and we really think we’ve found them.

Q: Why did you feel more connected to the couple you chose?

A (Michael): They were more “like us.” They were really easy to talk to and made us feel at ease.

Q: You have spent some time with and communicated with the couple you chose since you initially met them. What has it been like for you to have contact via phone/text and spend time together with them?

A (Jessica): This really helped us because it feels like they are who they say they are. We feel like we can trust them and share in their excitement of becoming new parents. We went to a park with them to introduce our other kids to them and it was great watching them interact with our kids. They jumped right in and started playing with them. It showed us what they’d be like with this baby (that they are going to adopt). We want to have visits in the future because we want our kids to know this baby and getting together with them was a glimpse of what it would be like in the future when we get together for a play date.

We also went to the ultrasound together and found out what the sex of the baby is. It was really fun watching them see the baby for the first time. This is their first baby and they’ve never been through an ultrasound before.

We text frequently and I am able to ease my worries by telling them what I would do if I was going to care for him (like, buying footed pjs, recommending formula that worked for my other kids, etc.). It helps me feel like I can also prepare for his arrival and get excited with them.

Q: Are you starting to feel attached to your baby?

A (Jessica): Yes. How could I not be attached, he’s growing inside me! I love him and am doing adoption because I know I can’t provide for him and they can. I know he will be taken care of and getting to know them [the APs] better helps me really know this.

(Michael): I’m getting more attached than I probably should be. But, I know that doing adoption will be better for our other kids, too, and open adoption will allow our other kids to know this one.

Q: Do you have any fears about the adoption process?

A (Jessica): The usual parent worries, I just want to make sure that the APs are prepared.

Q: What advice would you give to others considering placing their child for adoption?

A (Jessica): Think of the baby. Meet as many families as you need to so that you can find the best one. Have enough time so that you can build a relationship with the adoptive parents before your baby is born. Have a few questions that you know you want the answer to at the first meeting, but don’t be overly structured about it.

(Michael): Have an open heart and an open mind. Keep the baby’s best interest first. Be honest with yourself, what is best for the child?

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A (Jessica): The APs have become an extension of our family. Since we’re getting to know them, they aren’t just people who are going to take care of our baby, they are like extended family members. This is what we wanted and I really believe that this is how it’s going to be.

(later Jessica texted this to me): I was thinking back on our first meeting with you and you made it really easy and pleasant. When I first made the call to the agency and was going to meet with you, I was kind of nervous that you would be someone like a case worker… up tight and straight corners… but you weren’t. Meeting you and having someone like you for this process has made it a lot easier in this whole thing.

*Not their real names

Funding Your Adoption: Baby K Bake Sale

Funding any long-term endeavor, whether it be completing your education, buying a home or pursuing adoption, often requires more money than can seem feasible. A common hesitation for prospective adoptive parents is the big dollar amount that is looming over the decision to pursue adoption. This leaves many families feeling frustrated or even giving up on their dreams of growing their family through adoption. Although there are hurdles to overcome, there are ways to fund your adoption journey outside of your income alone.

Kelly and Neil, a waiting family on AOW’s inactive list, have been getting creative with their funding ideas for “Baby K’s” adoption. Not only have they been doing extensive research about possible grants and fundraising options, but they have gotten creative with simple ideas that they could do. Kelly and Neil then reached out to family members to let them know about their adoption plan, and their support has been overwhelming! Kelly’s extended family in Tennessee immediately thought of having a bake sale to support Baby K. Take a look at some photos of the busy work days and the finished product. The story below is written in Kelly’s own words about her experience with funding her adoption journey.

Kelly and Neil with family busy decorating deserts

“Adoption has always been in our hearts. However, the expense of adoption was something that seemed overwhelming. I am a planner, so I had a plan for how we would make our family of four, which included adopting a child in our late thirties (when my husband had completed graduate school, which would give us two incomes, and life would be perfect). However, as we grew older and began to experience fertility problems I began to worry we might never be able to grow our family or we might have to wait another 10 years. It was then I decided we could do anything we put our minds to and we could find a way to pay for adoption and grow our family. I realized then that there was probably never going to be a time in the near future where we had an extra $30,000 laying around. Like any large, overly ambitious project I have talked my husband into tackling (such as quitting my full-time job and going back to graduate school, while remodeling our 100-year old home) I could put together a plan to grow our family through adoption. After meeting with a few agencies and discussing their practices, we decided that Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW) was the best fit for us. While the adoption fees were still a bit overwhelming they were broken down and spread out over a period of time, which seemed more manageable. I then put together a spreadsheet, including a budget and savings plan to our adoption fund.

As we started the adoption fund I began to look to see how others had funded adoption. I began reading blogs and looking on Pinterest for adoption grants and fundraising ideas. I started to share with family our plan of adopting and our potential plans for fundraising. Once on the inactive list we made an adoption announcement via email and social media to let our family and friends know of our upcoming plans! We were overwhelmed with the love and support we received from our family and friends. Not only were they so excited for us, but they wanted to know how they could help make our dream come true. We started a crowdfund with 501c3, where people could make a tax-deductible donation that could be directly applied to our adoption fees. We also had family and friends offering to host garage sales and bake sales to raise funds for Baby K. My aunt and cousin that live in Tennessee were avid bakers and had done many bake sale fundraisers. They began to make themed treats weekly, post pictures on social media and sell them at work. Friends and family in Wisconsin instantly started drooling over these baked goods and asking if they would ship. Because the baked goods were not commercial, shipping was not an option. However, my creative cousin came up with an idea to bring the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin for one weekend. We’re not sure they knew what they were getting themselves into. Neil created a “pre-order” form and my cousin created Disney-themed cupcake samplers and a variety of cookie options. Soon after the order form went live, we had nearly 500 orders for cupcakes and cookies. One week later we had over 950 cupcake orders and over 350 cookie orders. My aunt and cousin packed up their truck and brought the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin. They had pre-made and frozen many of the cupcakes, and then set up “shop” at her other cousin’s home for the weekend with banquet tables full of cupcakes to be individually decorated. My cousin spent three days decorating cupcakes on nearly no sleep. At the end of the weekend the task was complete! We spent two days afterward hand delivering cupcakes and cookies to family and friends throughout Southern Wisconsin and Northern Illinois. The “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” ended up raising a net of over $1,000. As my cousin and aunt packed up the truck to head back to Tennessee, they began discussing the next “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” and winter-themed cupcakes and cookies!”

A big thank you to Kelly and Neil for taking the time to write this blog post about funding your adoption. Also, we are excited to see where your adoption journey goes and can’t wait to see the winter-themed bake sale!

Disney-themed cupcakes

Disney-themed cupcakes

Some of the finished product!

The cupcakes look almost too pretty to eat!

How to Talk to Your Young Child About Adoption

How to Talk to Your 6 to 8 Year Old Child About Adoption

At  this age,  your child is starting or continuing school. Their classmates, friends, and teachers are beginning to have an impact on their worldview and their opinion of themselves. Children at this age are also becoming more self-aware and realize that they are a person separate from their parents. Because of this, they will begin to question where they fit into the world.

Your child has probably always known that he was adopted, but now others may also be pointing it out to him and asking about adoption. Your child is also realizing that, while she was adopted, most of her classmates were not. Your child’s classmates are becoming more curious about the people around them, just like your child is. They may ask your child blunt questions about themselves and their family. Your child should be encouraged to engage only as she feels comfortable. You can help her to have the language to answer her friends’ (or their parents’) questions.

Your child’s understanding of why his birthparents were unable to raise him is an important developmental milestone at this age. It is important that your child does not associate being adopted by their parents with being rejected by their birthparents. When your child  has questions, you can reassure him that he has not been rejected and  that you will always be there to him.

Let’s look at one of the more common things that adopted children talk about at this age. What if your child says that they must have been a bad baby, and that’s why their birth mother decided to place them for adoption? Instead of the knee jerk response of “no, you were a great baby” you can help correct misconceptions. Let your child know that her birth mother didn’t place her for adoption because of anything the child did. Help your child to understand that no one decides to place a baby for adoption because of anything the baby did. People place children for adoption because they know that all babies need to be cared for, even if a birth mother isn’t able to provide that care for them. Birth parents place children for adoption because they love them.

Your child is getting smarter and more aware every day. Especially at this age, children will notice how you react to things that strangers and acquaintances say about adoption. Figure out a few polite, humorous responses to some of the more ridiculous comments that people will make , so that your child can see you helping to educate others about adoption. For example, if someone asks whether a child is your “real” child, you can response that “Of course, all my children are real.” Or, a well-meaning person may tell you that your child is “so lucky to have you.” You can also point out that you are lucky to have them and fortunate to be a family. Humor can be a powerful tool for managing social situations and presenting a good example to your child. When you talk with your child about this, you help to set them up for a confident, strong path in the future!

The Modern Family Effect: Adoption in the Media

The television show Modern Family has helped to continue a paradigm shift about the portrayal of adoption in the media. Historically, adoption was not always portrayed accurately in television. We could call this “The Modern Family Effect.” But from Ernie’s adoption in “My Three Sons” to “Glee” and “Arrested Development,” television has been helping us move to a normal, realistic appreciation for adoption as part of life.

It used to be a common device for siblings on sit-coms to tell each other that they were adopted. This was played as a negative, and would result in hijinks centered on the idea that an adopted sibling didn’t belong. This was a harmful theme.

The portrayal of adoption in the media has become much more accurate. If a current-day television show were to use the trope of an adopted sibling being played as “not a real family member” it would be panned as hurtful, wrong, and offensive by reviewers. The media can now play a significant role in changing hurtful myths and stereotypes about adoption, and reverse some of the damage that it has done.

It’s tempting to blame the media for their mischaracterization of adoption in the past. However, television tends to reflect the collective views of society. Fortunately, we can appreciate the positive changes in both society and the media.

Instead of portraying families created through adoption as “unusual” or “not real” we need to, and have begun to, show the reality of love, thoughtfulness and “normalness” that is adoption. The Modern Family Effect bodes well for this change. Sit-coms have always been on the leading edge of how our changing society is portrayed on television, so an accurate and caring portrayal of adoption is a great indicator that adoption will be more fairly and accurately shown in the future.

How to Choose Adoption for Your Baby

The first step toward choosing adoption is realizing that you’re not going to give up your baby, or be “giving up” anything. You’re making a parenting decision for the child you’re carrying. Many birth parents believe that if they decide that adoption is the best choice for their child, they will never be able to see their child again. This can cause undue amounts of stress and indecision for a mother, neither of which she deserves.

Open adoption is a type of adoption in which the birth mother and the adoptive parents agree to varying degrees of contact and exchanges of information. Depending on the circumstances of an adoption, the level of contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family could range from letters and photos facilitated by AOW, to visits between the child, adoptive family and birth mother.

In 2012, the Washington Times released a report stating that 95% of infant adoptions in the United States now have some level of openness between the birth parents and the adoptive families. This means that in the vast majority of infant adoptions, the decision to go forward with an adoption isn’t the last decision that a birth mother makes. It is a selfless and thoughtful choice, made solely with the welfare and development of the child in mind.

If adoptive families and birth parents live close enough to each other, it is not uncommon for the adoptive families to accompany birth parents to prenatal appointments and try to be as present as they can during the pregnancy. The adoptive families have nothing but the best interests of the child at heart, which they share with the child’s birth parents. Bonding over their shared love for the unborn child often leads to a close and deep connection between adoptive and birth families, which can lead to a comfortable future relationship.

Adoption doesn't mean that you give your baby up. If you choose adoption, it is because you believe adoption is the best path for your child given the current circumstances. Choosing adoption, if it is right for you and your child, is a selfless parenting decision.

Beating the Adoption Waiting Game

Relaxing up north

It is never an easy time for adoptive parents while waiting to be chosen by a birth parent. It can seem more manageable when you are busy completing education requirements, creating your profile or finishing the home study - at least then it feels like you're doing something! There is often a period of time between becoming home study approved, moving into the active program and becoming matched with a birth parent. The wait time is often uneventful and frustrating, but it is something that all adoptive parents go through and can identify with.

The key to keeping positive thoughts flowing about your adoption plan is to keep yourselves busy! One of our waiting families, Michelle and Jamie, are doing just that by getting outside and enjoying the summer sunshine.

Michelle and Jamie love visiting up north with family and friends at their cabin. The family of three takes a trip up north at least once a summer. They love swimming in the lake, going fishing and playing games together. This summer they are lucky enough to be traveling there twice; once with their friends and neighbors and once with their siblings and families. They also enjoy warm bonfires at night-which we hope includes roasting some delicious s'mores! Michelle and Jamie would love to bring another child with them on their next summer trip.

Although the waiting period is hard for adoptive families, there are ways to make it go a little faster. It is important to remember why you started this journey and to imagine where it will take you. Our agency is here to guide and provide assistance to adoptive parents during these stressful moments.

Family celebration!

Father's Day celebration at the Union in Madison

Fishing with Mom and Braden

Mini golfing "dangers"!

Jamie participates in Thursday evening fishing league

The First Month: Love Makes a Family

It has been a wonderful roller coaster of emotions for Heather and Steve over the past month. Early in June they received the phone call that changed their lives – they had been chosen. Not only were they selected by a birth mother to be the adoptive parents of the baby, but they soon found out that he had already been born! They only had a few days to prepare a nursery, inform their families and buy lots of diapers and formula.

Love makes a family

One month later, Heather and Steve have been busy adapting to parenthood. They have spent countless hours fine-tuning their parenting skills and sharing in the joy of having a son. Ben celebrated his first holiday with his parents – the Fourth of July! He loved his festive stroller decorations for the parade, and was mesmerized by the pretty lights that lit his stroller at night.  The family of three is excited to begin creating more new traditions as a family.

Heather and Steve are thrilled to have become parents to their adorable baby boy in such a whirlwind experience. No adoption journey is ever without surprises and AOW is glad to have been able to provide support for both the adoptive parents and the birth mother in this situation. As Ben continues to grow and new parenting challenges arise for Heather and Steve, they will be surrounded by love and advice from friends and family. AOW is looking forward to completing our monthly visits with Heather, Steve and Ben during the six-month post placement period.

All the potential to be the next great astronaut!

Ben's stroller got festive for the 4th of July parade

A mischievous grin!

Heather with Ben

He loved seeing the pretty lights!

Steve with Ben outside of AOW's office

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption

"In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" is a book written by an adoptive parent and is a book AOW highly recommends to those who are going through the adoption process. One grandma recently read In on it and wrote the following:

Quite some time ago we met our son and his beautiful wife for lunch—they wanted to talk to us.

We quickly moved to “might they be pregnant? Or moving? Changing jobs? Going back to school?” On our way to meet them we discussed all of these choices, secretly hoping that they might be expanding their family.

The first words out of our son’s mouth were “we’re not pregnant” and then he excitedly told us that they had decided to adopt and had chosen an agency.  Both of them were so excited and we shared their joy.  Adoption was part of our family already as my brother had grown his family through adoption many years ago.

I began reading. A lot. And yet, nothing prepared me for the insensitive questions that my friends brought forward when I shared this new chapter in my life.  The questions seemed personal, inappropriate, even rude.  This reality sent me on a new search for information for the extended family and friends of the adoptive parents.  That is when I found IN ON IT: WHAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ADOPTION – A GUIDE FOR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS by Elisabeth O’Toole.

I promptly ordered my own copy of this book. It proved to be an excellent source of inspiration, education and insight for those that are part of the adoptive family but outside of the adoption triad of birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee.  I found myself looking at certain chapters over again to understand the patience, excitement and stress of my loved ones and in the process I learned appropriate language, appropriate topics of conversation with them and appropriate ways to address comments that were directed at me.

The humor and honesty of Elisabeth O’Toole has equipped me to be honest in educating others when I am told “how lucky” our grandchild is – or when I am asked “where did he come from?” or “what happened to his real mother”.

Really? Why do people lose their filter when being told that someone is adopting? IN ON IT helped me to understand that I was not alone in navigating these choppy waters – losing a filter is pretty normal and we are all IN ON IT enough to educate others.

I see this book as a ‘must read’ for everyone seeking to understand the adoption story and their role in the adoption circle.

We have had the joy of welcoming grandchildren into our lives – biologically and through careful adoption planning.  In our eyes, they are all our grandchildren. They are loving cousins to each other, and they all are the start of a new generation in our extended family.

We are blessed.