For Birth Mothers Day, From an Adoptive Mom
/In honor of Birth Mothers Day on May 13, 2017, we are honored to share a blog written by an AOW adoptive mom.
Birth Mother Stories: Deja
/Birth Mother Stories: Deja's Story
My name is Deja. I am 21 years old and I was born and raised in Madison, Wisconsin. I placed my son Elijah up for adoption in October of 2016 and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made thus far in my life. When I was 4 months pregnant I found out that I was expecting. My first thought was to get an abortion. I thought I had my mind set so I started the process. I went to my first appointment where they gave me an assessment and asked various questions about why I wanted to do abortion. After the two hour appointment I made my next appointment which would be the abortion. I did all the paperwork, I took the dilation pills and then it was time to get the ultrasound to see the placement of the baby. When they put the probe on my belly I got anxious. Then I looked at the computer screen and I saw a baby. A baby with a heartbeat. A baby that was moving, kicking, and sucking its fingers. My heart dropped into my stomach. I couldn't do it. I started crying and saw that I bleeding and thought I was losing this baby but I got up, put my clothes on and left. I remember speeding out of the parking lot, almost hitting a sign and I kept going without looking back. I stopped at the PDQ gas station and parked. I thought, “What am I going to do now? I can’t take care of another baby. I already have two kids I’m struggling with. God help me”. I wondered and cried about what I was going to do next and I still didn't know.
Three days after that, I looked on the internet for adoption agencies and that is where I found Adoptions of Wisconsin. I gave them a call to set up an appointment. I knew that I couldn't parent this innocent child and that he didn't deserve to be taken off this earth because it wasn't his fault he was here. That is where my journey began. I met a woman by the name of Megan. She was a pretty, young, educated woman whom I was drawn to at first sight. I knew she would be there with me through it all and she has been, even after my parental rights were terminated. I had the jitters in my belly. I was scared and anxious about this whole thing but I began to open up and explain to her why I wanted to choose adoption. She then gave me a folder with lots and lots of beautiful different families inside of it. I looked that over for about a week and saw a couple that I thought would be perfect. I called Megan and told her, and from there she set up our first meeting with each other.
We met at a little cafe in Sun Prairie. Boy was I scared and had knots in my stomach. I thought “What if they don't like me? What if they don't want an African American baby? What if they don't want a baby boy? Are they nice?” Then as I saw them walk into the back of the café, my face lit up and conversation flowed so easily. I knew they were the right parents for my son Elijah! And that's how I chose them! From then on I was set on them parenting my child and that I was going to go through with this. I always had the thoughts in the back of my mind – “What if I wanted to parent my baby? How I would be able to have this child I’d been carrying and hand it over to stranger? What would my baby think of me? Would he hate me? Would he think I didn't love him?”
On October 4th of 2016 I got to the doctor’s office and they said they wanted to do the c section that day because Elijah was not gaining weight inside of me. Megan raced to the hospital and sat with me and comforted me while we waited. I was so scared. We then called the adoptive parents. I was so nervous because they weren't answering. Shortly after, they returned the calls and were so shocked this was all happening that day. They rushed right over to Meriter hospital where I was. The adoptive mom was in the room with me the whole time during the c section. I felt so safe and so much love and support with her just being there but I was scared to be going through yet another c section. Didn't take long until we heard this little mouse like cry and it was Elijah who weighed 4 lbs 4 ounces! I cried tears of joy as they took him and cleaned him up and rolled him out to see his parents. His dad got to even cut his umbilical cord! I was in the hospital for a few days to recover.
I had initially decided I didn’t want to spend much time with him. It felt too dangerous for me to get my heart too attached to this fragile baby that I knew I couldn’t care for. But I was already attached. I love Elijah so much and decided that I did want to hold him and get some pictures with him. I held Elijah maybe twice and took one picture with him and his new family. My family came and so did the adoptive parent’s family. Everyone came to meet this new bundle of joy who had so many people who loved him. Elijah spent most of his first days in the hospital with his adoptive parents which made me both happy and sad, but I knew what I had to do. When I was leaving, I went in to say goodbye to them and to my now, few days old baby boy Elijah. That was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do in my life. I cried and cried and told the adoptive parents, “Thank you and I love you guys and please take good care of our baby boy!” Megan was there and we went back into my hospital room where I cried even more. Then I left. I was so torn up but I knew this was right for me and for my baby boy.
Now after all of this, I’m close with the adoptive parents and they genuinely love me and love Elijah. All the worries I had went out the window. I still get those “what if” moments and sometimes it is hard but I still know I wouldn't have had it any other way! I recently saw him and got to spend time with him. He is now 3 months old and getting so big! Such a handsome little man with amazing parents. All of this wouldn’t have been possible without open adoption. Thank you to Megan for making this the most comfortable and life changing experience and for being there through it all. Thank you to the adoptive parents for being in my life and parenting my son Elijah. He will always know he has two mommies and two families that love him with all of their hearts. And thank you Adoptions of Wisconsin you have really forever changed my life in the most amazing ways.
Deja
Not Enough Words - Birth Mom Poem
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A birth mom poem written by an AOW birth mom:
Not Enough Words
12/13/16
My heart stopped the first time I heard yours beat,
You have no clue my love, how many struggles we over came
It was a great feat.
You gave me courage and hope when I had none,
Everything that I can claim,
You helped me over come!
At night I’d sing to you and you’d sing back,
The prayers I couldn’t pray,
You held the faith that I lacked.
Maybe you were my Guardian Angel, my Shepard through the dark and the pain,
I don’t think I’ll ever lose you,
Inside of me you’ll always remain.
I may not get to see you grow or see your first step,
I may not come to birthdays or be there when you’re upset,
However, my heart and mind and spirit will be with you every single day
Just like I was guiding you in every single way.
The hardest thing I ever did was having to give you away
And the second hardest thing was not being able to tell you all I had to say.
I will always love you.
A Child is a Marvelous Gift - For Emerson
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For Emerson, because a child is a marvelous gift.
The life carried to term by a mother has limitless hope and potential. If born healthy, the only bounds to that life are the conditions into which he is born. This magnificent gift, if received at the wrong time, can experience a life that is much more difficult and fraught with challenge than he would have under different circumstances.
This was the case with my son.
Emerson came into existence by an act of love. He was never unwanted by his mother or me. Of course, he came to us a point where everything was unstable. Our relationship, our location, and our jobs were not defined. His mother and I were just starting out again after a rough breakup with each other. We didn’t know if it would work out. She had just graduated and was about to start a new job in a new city, half a country away from me. She hadn’t even moved in to her new apartment when she had taken the pregnancy test. Suffice it to say, her career was just starting – and she planned to take a drastic career shift again in a few years anyway. I had a year left of college, and without this degree, I would have zilch earning potential. Hadn’t even started on my career ladder. Adding to it all, her father detested me and my mother shunned her.
Emerson wasn’t to blame for any of this. He, like the rest of us, didn’t choose to be conceived when he was and to whom he was. So, there we were, at a crossroads. The mother and I were both afraid of being trapped; we had seen the consequences of wedlock marriages, and we were both wary of becoming resentful of each other – and at worst – our child.
On the other hand, we both had been privileged. We had family members who would be willing to help take care of Emerson, we were both capable of working good jobs, and her father had offered plenty of financial support for the child. I immediately knew that perhaps the only responsible thing to do was to man up, sacrifice, and make it work. For Emerson.
Then, I decided to think about it. What kind of a man would intentionally expose his child to instability, uncertainty, and guaranteed hardship? What man would bring his child into a situation where that blameless life would be worse off, at least initially, than he himself had been? I had never prepared for being a parent, and I knew that I could not provide Emerson everything he needed from a father to be as happy and fulfilled as I have been in life. I found it unconscionable to choose to raise him, when there was another option. For Emerson, I wanted to give him the best of life and what it had to offer.
Who am I to deny a better life to my son?
My parents had been wanting and preparing for a child for years when they had me. They were thus vastly more able to appreciate the gift of life, and less likely to take it for granted. I knew that there were other couples out there who, for whatever reason, could not receive that gift and desperately wanted it. The mother and I agreed on this point, and she decided to start searching for these couples.
Months later, she called me and told me that she found them. A perfect fit. Dedicated, generous, willing parents who only lacked one person to make themselves whole. I flew out to meet them and make our final decision.
Of course, I felt anxiety before the meeting. Who were these two that Emerson might call Mom and Dad? Did they have security? Did they love each other enough? Were they ready? Would this couple sacrifice what I could not for a child that none of us had yet met?
I knew within minutes.
With the gracious assistance of our wonderful Adoptions of Wisconsin counselor, Megan, the first conversation I had with the adoptive parents puts all my fears to rest. They expressed everything I wanted – selflessness, hope, joviality, affection, dedication, and preparedness – and expressed it all both explicitly and subtly. They radiated authenticity in addition to, most importantly, a comfortable love for one another. I could tell immediately that this couple would be there for Emerson, through thick and thin.
The adoptive parents were everything I wanted to be for my son, but knew I couldn’t. And that’s why, minutes after finishing the meeting, I gave my blessing.
Although I didn’t know anything about it, I quickly found that the adoption process itself was painless. The only suffering Emerson’s mother and I had was emotional. It is greatly painful to give up someone you love, even to capable hands. The adoption social worker was magnanimous throughout, and the adoptive parents were eminently supportive and reassuring. But, to be honest, Emerson’s mother was my biggest pillar during the ensuing months. We helped one another through difficult moments, rejoiced at good ones, and took care of each other. Rather than tearing our relationship apart, as I may once have feared, the decision to put our son up for adoption brought us much closer. Even after putting up a child for adoption we survive as a strong couple to this day.
The remainder of her pregnancy was basically a get-to-know period with the adoptive parents. They welcomed us into their home and addressed truthfully any questions or concerns we may have had. As time wore on, we all become more comfortable with each other and more confident that this was the right decision for Emerson. We celebrated milestones as a group, from the ultrasounds and first kicks to the harried preparations for labor. We got to know and understand how the adoptive parents would approach parenting in the future, and what role the mother and I would play in Emerson’s life. Altogether, we made sure that Emerson would start his life in the best condition we could provide.
And then, nine months after the decision was made, he arrived. I had given birth to a child.
My son, a child, a living boy. A bundle of happiness and curiosity. Potential and possibly incarnate. A biological miracle; the sum of generations of humanity. All our cumulative laughter, and joy, and wonder. The best and worst traits of all my ancestors lay nude before me. His mother was overjoyed, and the adoptive parents were enchanted. The room was magic. But. . . after the unpreventable bliss at seeing a new life begin, a great sadness took hold. I realized that I could not take care of my son. I had failed him already. I was not going to be his father. Then I realized something that simultaneously erased the sadness and restored my joy. He wasn’t just my son.
Our son. He was our son. Emerson has a bigger family than most everyone else. His mother and I weren’t going to abandon him. What we gave him, and it was perhaps our greatest gift, was two more people that will love him unconditionally. Emerson will have a life with perpetual support and acceptance, in addition to stability and security. If this child is to know one feeling, that feeling is to be loved. We have four people (and many more) to make sure of that. Open adoption has allowed us to all be a part of his life.
So, while there is sadness and pain at the separation, there is an uplifting solace in knowing we made the best decision. And more than making the best decision, we made the right decision. For us, in our current situation, and for the adoptive parents. And most importantly:
For Emerson.
Where Did He Come From?
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Kirsten and her husband adopted their first child, Owen, through Adoptions of Wisconsin almost one year ago. She blogs about her story and experiences and in this blog article, she discusses some of the questions that she has been asked.
Click the picture or here to read the full blog.
Getting Caught Up in the "Me, Me, Me"
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As adoptive parents it's easy to get caught up in "me, me, me" but we learned from you how to honor these women and their families.
Kind words from an adoptive parent:
Sitting down to write you a few words of thanks feels bittersweet. You've helped us know the sweetest thing, parenthood! But we feel sad at the same time, we've grown to feel that you are a part of our lives and it seems strange that we won't talk or see you as often.
We cannot speak more highly of what you do! You provide dignity and respect to all of the expectant families you work with. As adoptive parents it's easy to get caught up in "me, me, me" but we learned from you how to honor these women and their families. To try to understand a small part of what this experience is like for them.
We are so fortunate to have worked with you and have been able to be part of this process of creating a family with AOW. Thank you will never be enough.
Why We Chose to Work With AOW: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective
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Deciding to adopt a child is a very personal decision to make. Every family has their own reasons or circumstances that lead to adoption, for us it was secondary infertility.
Once our decision to adopt was made, we began our journey to find an adoption agency. As most people do, we started our search online. The moment you enter any search about ‘adopting a baby’ the national agencies appear on the top of the list. We quickly learned there are both local and national agencies out there and we learned we had a ton more research to do. After looking at several websites and doing lots of reading, we decided on two local agencies and one national agency to consult with.
Our first meeting was with Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW), who is also ultimately who we choose to work with. The tone of the meeting was exactly as the website stated. This agency is about honoring the birth parents right to choose us. We were informed that the journey is long and could take years before the right match and placement would occur. We were provided much information on how AOW social workers work with mothers to ensure an adoption plan is what is best for them and the child, with the focus always remaining on the child. There were no promises provided to us aside from the promise to have open and honest communication throughout the journey. We were provided a list of costs associated with the agency and lots of reading materials about how a home study works, writing a family profile, adoption education and a copy of the application form that would not be required until there was an opening on the waiting list.
The next consultation was a two hour phone call with a national agency. Prior to taking our call we were required to complete a seven page application that asked us about everything from our personal appearance to all the assets we own. We were required to email them this completed form along with a picture of our family before they would schedule our call.
During the phone call we were made several promises. A good-looking family like us could have a baby of our choosing in three months. They bragged about how they come up first on all the web searches related to adoption because they pay big money to ensure they always appear to birthmothers first. When a pregnant woman contacts them they ‘find’ a local social worker who will meet with the birthmother and then contract with the social worker to assist in the placement of the child. If the birthmother starts to get cold feet they had a new weapon in their arsenal, a woman who placed her child for adoption years ago who will call the birthmother and talk them back into the adoption plan. They found that she was 97% effective in ensuring placements. They then mailed us a shiny brochure on how to contact a local professional photographer to get the best shots of our family and a DVD on how to make the best video to plead for a child. The icing on the cake is when they gave us their prices. They wanted $16,800 upfront to spend on marketing! This money would not be used on legal fees or expenses for the mother, those were an additional cost. This was simply how they would guarantee a fast placement through marketing. We were even given advice on how to take out a 2nd mortgage or apply for tax credits to pay for everything.
After this call my head was spinning for days. Of course the lure of a quick placement was attractive to a family who was unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for a number of years. We just couldn’t get past how wrong the entire approach felt. Adopting a baby is not about speed of placement, it is about making a lifelong commitment to a child and their birth family. This is a journey not a sprint. My heart was breaking for all the mothers out there who were being lured into the promises I can only imagine being made to them that I was sure would somehow be broken. How can you promise an open adoption with annual visits to a woman on the other side of the country? I know that is a false promise I could never make but wondered how many people would.
For our family, the decision became crystal clear. We needed to work with an agency that had the best interest of all parties in mind. This process was not all about us, it was only partially about our family and how it would change and grow through the miracle of adoption. It was about opening our lives to not only the baby but the birth parents if that was their choice as well. It is about keeping the promises we make and ensuring we had an agency that could support us no matter what those promises look like. It is about the long term benefits of our family, this new baby, and the glorious mother who would place the child in our arms.
We believe that is only possible by using a local agency that is dedicated to the care and well-being of the birthmother and honoring her choice of us to parent her child. We also know that the journey doesn’t end with placement; it is a lifetime commitment we are all making together. It is about the mother, the child, our family and the lifelong support of the agency that brought us together.
Waiting for a match: An honest answer from an adoptive mom
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I was 42 and my husband 51 when we decided that adoption was the right thing for our family of two. I had always known that I wanted to adopt a child, to me it was a beautiful way to create a family. I had been thinking about becoming a parent since my twenties but life didn’t work out to build a family until I was past 40. In essence, I’d been dreaming about becoming a parent for twenty years! My husband and I were on the same page: adoption….open adoption from Wisconsin…infant. It was finally happening, this life event that had eluded me for two decades, we were going to be parents and have our own family!
Initially the waiting was fun, I was always doing something for the adoption process. I’m a doer, so working on our homestudy was something very satisfying. I found the list of things I needed to make, prepare and fill out very rewarding. I was actively working towards being a parent and the more I completed on the homestudy checklists the closer I was to making the reality of being a parent come true. From taking parenting classes together, working on several birth family introduction letters/books to filling out and turning in all the paper work… this process lasted us nine months, nine months of active busyness that I genuinely enjoyed!
I remember the day when our homestudy was complete, I secretly thought, “We are going to be different then the multitudes of other adoptive parents who have gone before us, a birth family is going to see our profile in the next few weeks and we’ll be parents soon, I can feel it!”. Then three months went by and then five and then our first Christmas in silent waiting. We’d been shown to many birth families but no one had asked to meet with us. The rejection started to creep in. I would call our social worker asking, “Is there something more we could do? Should we take new pictures? Post different pictures on our adoption page? Are we too old? Do we not have the right interests/hobbies/jobs?”. I was embarrassed to tell people, even my husband, how often I was thinking about adoption and becoming a parent. If I was honest with myself, I was thinking about it many times a day for months on end. However, when friends or family would ask how things were going I would put on a happy, positive expression and tell them that we were certainly learning a lot about patience and the right baby would come when it was time. I could say these words out loud but I was not able to trust in them to bring myself relief.
Days before Christmas 2014, nine months after our homestudy was complete, I had received a text from a friend saying that she wanted me to know that she’d been praying for our adoption. Up until this point I had not let anyone know of my deepening sadness over our wait, not even my husband. I had never shed a tear or a said a negative word, I was always the picture of positivity. The beautiful text my friend sent and Christmas being days away I realized I had again set a timeframe in my mind without knowing it, that we’d for sure have a baby by Christmas. And now this season was here, with all of it’s glitter and emphasis on children and we did not have a child, in fact we had had no interest from birth families at all. I broke down. I cried for days. My husband had no idea what to think of my outburst, I finally told him about my silent grief. I expressed my concern that there was no place for grief in the celebration of Christmas, how was I going to function at the very soon coming family celebrations? I fell deep into depression for three days. I was scared what would happen when Christmas Eve arrived, how could I possibly put on a happy face? What if someone asked about the adoption process and how it was going? I didn’t want to cry in front of family. I needed to allow myself to grieve, something I had not outwardly ever done, so I let myself grieve and cry, it felt like a death. And then as quickly as it had come, this outward sadness, it seemed that I could manage and I somehow enjoyed the holiday.
Within a few months of Christmas we experienced the absolute joy of being matched with a birth family and the planning to become parents was in full swing! And then a few months later the match dissolved, the birth family decided to parent the baby that was expected. This news was devastating, I struggled with what I was to do with myself each day. The past few months I was preparing for a baby and now I didn’t know how to fill my time, what was I doing, who was I? I was dealing with accepting that we might never become parents. I began to wonder if we weren’t supposed to be parents, had we made a mistake to pursue adoption?
By summer I was sinking, struggling somedays to function. I had started seeing a life coach about a year prior to work on my emotions and to put into perspective my expectations of the process of adoption. It was hard work, I often felt that it was getting harder than easier as I needed to dig deeply into why waiting for a child engulfed my emotions. In the end, I am not sure that I did a good job with the waiting, it was hard, but I can say that I worked very hard at “waiting well”.
Listed below are a few things that I did to try to “wait well”:
Prayer - I am a doer, so if I want something I just figure out how to get it, work hard and reach the goal. With adoption I could not use this method to get to the end result. I had to trust, be patient, others were in control and this was tremendously hard for me. I am a Christian and found that time in prayer, persistent prayer was really a way for me to be still and accept that I was not in control and that I could trust in the process. It was a calming tool that I used daily.
Be thankful for all that I already have. One day I started writing a list of everything I was thankful for in my life and I listed 74 things. 74!!! When I was having a difficult day I would reread this list and it would bring me hope and peace in knowing that my life was pretty amazing and having a baby come home was not the only good thing in our life.
Prepare - In the waiting I could be preparing. I had tons of time to prepare for being a parent. Taking time to travel, read, take parenting classes, researching the best things to buy for baby, visiting family, preparing the nursery, learning more about open adoption, spending time with my spouse.
Keep perspective….when it’s time for our baby to come home, our baby will come home. I needed to trust in this truth and had to remind myself of this daily.
Press On! Keep moving ahead. There are things to be done today…ways to grow, serve others and learn new things that are always right in front of us but we can easily miss them or ignore them as we are worrying about tomorrow. The question I posed to myself is how can you grow right where you stand right now? Don’t waste your wait!
August 2015 brought great blessing as we welcomed a daughter into our family! The perfect little girl and the perfect birth family. It would be easy now to say that the wait was worth it and went by fast. Well, the wait was worth it! But it did not go by fast and it wasn’t easy. There is value in waiting; it builds patience and the capacity to endure. Times of waiting for something else in the future will be inevitable, our hope is that we will not waste the wait and wait well.
A birth parent asks, "How do I manage the grief associated with making an adoption plan?"
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The adoption process is one that intrinsically involves grief and loss. When birth parents decide to relinquish their newborn for adoption, they will often go through a grief process not unlike what a person experiences when a loved one passes. The grief stages are the same (denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance); birth parents do not move through them in any nice neat order or set period of time, nor should they be expected to. Grief associated with making an adoption plan is complicated for birth parents because of the ambiguous nature of the loss.
An example of how the grief process can get complicated is that feelings such as numbness, confusion and denial may cause a birth mother to fail to recall significant details such as the date and time of the birth and her child’s birth weight. The inability to recall such details can complicate the normal grieving process by causing guilt and feelings of shame for not being able to remember specific details.
When numbness and denial subside, often birth mothers experience an eruption of feelings such as anger, sadness, shame and guilt. Opportunities to express these feelings in a natural and supported way are important for validating the loss and coping with the grief associated with an adoptive placement. For birth mothers who have kept their pregnancy and adoption plan secret, the secrecy, shame and lack of public acknowledgment means that opportunities to release these difficult feelings don’t exist. When natural means of releasing these feelings are not available, the feelings often get stifled, ignored or are manifested in unhealthy ways.
It is helpful if there is a friend, family member or counselor with whom a birth mother can share her feelings, pregnancy and adoption plan. This person’s role is to listen, validate her grief and loss and allow for healthy ways to express difficult feelings. This support person can also be present at the birth to record important details which she may want to remember at a later date. It can also be helpful to journal any memories of the birth and hospital stay as soon as possible before those memories fade. Mementos such as foot prints, crib cards and pictures can also be very helpful in having something tangible to hold onto during especially difficult times.
Giving birth to a baby and placing the baby with adoptive parents are very significant life events. During times of grief, it is helpful to remember the time prior to the loss and the person for whom one is grieving. Being able to call to mind details, read journal entries or hold onto mementos are helpful ways of validating the significance of the loss and can lead to positive management of the grief process. Our compassionate adoption social workers are trained to help birth parents move through the grief process in a healthy way. We understand the special circumstances surrounding birth parent grief and are here to be a support person to birth parents (and their families) in an effort to help eliminate any barriers to healthy grieving.
