Will Our Child Have To Go Into Foster Care Before Being Adopted?

Many birth parents and adoptive parents wonder whether their child will have to go into foster care after birth and before the hearing. The good news is that foster care in this situation is no longer required. It is up to the birth parents and adoptive parents.

Adoptive families who have completed a home study and received a pre-adoptive foster care license are able to take the baby home from the hospital if the expectant birth parents feel comfortable with them doing so. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers work with expectant birth parents to create a hospital plan that outlines an expectant birth parent’s thoughts and decisions regarding her time at the hospital and her decisions regarding her baby’s care. The hospital and the adoptive family are provided a copy of the hospital plan prior to the baby’s birth. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers are available to provide counseling and support to both birth parents and adoptive parents during this time.

How to Talk to Your Young Child About Adoption

How to Talk to Your 6 to 8 Year Old Child About Adoption

At  this age,  your child is starting or continuing school. Their classmates, friends, and teachers are beginning to have an impact on their worldview and their opinion of themselves. Children at this age are also becoming more self-aware and realize that they are a person separate from their parents. Because of this, they will begin to question where they fit into the world.

Your child has probably always known that he was adopted, but now others may also be pointing it out to him and asking about adoption. Your child is also realizing that, while she was adopted, most of her classmates were not. Your child’s classmates are becoming more curious about the people around them, just like your child is. They may ask your child blunt questions about themselves and their family. Your child should be encouraged to engage only as she feels comfortable. You can help her to have the language to answer her friends’ (or their parents’) questions.

Your child’s understanding of why his birthparents were unable to raise him is an important developmental milestone at this age. It is important that your child does not associate being adopted by their parents with being rejected by their birthparents. When your child  has questions, you can reassure him that he has not been rejected and  that you will always be there to him.

Let’s look at one of the more common things that adopted children talk about at this age. What if your child says that they must have been a bad baby, and that’s why their birth mother decided to place them for adoption? Instead of the knee jerk response of “no, you were a great baby” you can help correct misconceptions. Let your child know that her birth mother didn’t place her for adoption because of anything the child did. Help your child to understand that no one decides to place a baby for adoption because of anything the baby did. People place children for adoption because they know that all babies need to be cared for, even if a birth mother isn’t able to provide that care for them. Birth parents place children for adoption because they love them.

Your child is getting smarter and more aware every day. Especially at this age, children will notice how you react to things that strangers and acquaintances say about adoption. Figure out a few polite, humorous responses to some of the more ridiculous comments that people will make , so that your child can see you helping to educate others about adoption. For example, if someone asks whether a child is your “real” child, you can response that “Of course, all my children are real.” Or, a well-meaning person may tell you that your child is “so lucky to have you.” You can also point out that you are lucky to have them and fortunate to be a family. Humor can be a powerful tool for managing social situations and presenting a good example to your child. When you talk with your child about this, you help to set them up for a confident, strong path in the future!

How to Choose Adoption for Your Baby

The first step toward choosing adoption is realizing that you’re not going to give up your baby, or be “giving up” anything. You’re making a parenting decision for the child you’re carrying. Many birth parents believe that if they decide that adoption is the best choice for their child, they will never be able to see their child again. This can cause undue amounts of stress and indecision for a mother, neither of which she deserves.

Open adoption is a type of adoption in which the birth mother and the adoptive parents agree to varying degrees of contact and exchanges of information. Depending on the circumstances of an adoption, the level of contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family could range from letters and photos facilitated by AOW, to visits between the child, adoptive family and birth mother.

In 2012, the Washington Times released a report stating that 95% of infant adoptions in the United States now have some level of openness between the birth parents and the adoptive families. This means that in the vast majority of infant adoptions, the decision to go forward with an adoption isn’t the last decision that a birth mother makes. It is a selfless and thoughtful choice, made solely with the welfare and development of the child in mind.

If adoptive families and birth parents live close enough to each other, it is not uncommon for the adoptive families to accompany birth parents to prenatal appointments and try to be as present as they can during the pregnancy. The adoptive families have nothing but the best interests of the child at heart, which they share with the child’s birth parents. Bonding over their shared love for the unborn child often leads to a close and deep connection between adoptive and birth families, which can lead to a comfortable future relationship.

Adoption doesn't mean that you give your baby up. If you choose adoption, it is because you believe adoption is the best path for your child given the current circumstances. Choosing adoption, if it is right for you and your child, is a selfless parenting decision.

In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You to Know About Adoption

"In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" is a book written by an adoptive parent and is a book AOW highly recommends to those who are going through the adoption process. One grandma recently read In on it and wrote the following:

Quite some time ago we met our son and his beautiful wife for lunch—they wanted to talk to us.

We quickly moved to “might they be pregnant? Or moving? Changing jobs? Going back to school?” On our way to meet them we discussed all of these choices, secretly hoping that they might be expanding their family.

The first words out of our son’s mouth were “we’re not pregnant” and then he excitedly told us that they had decided to adopt and had chosen an agency.  Both of them were so excited and we shared their joy.  Adoption was part of our family already as my brother had grown his family through adoption many years ago.

I began reading. A lot. And yet, nothing prepared me for the insensitive questions that my friends brought forward when I shared this new chapter in my life.  The questions seemed personal, inappropriate, even rude.  This reality sent me on a new search for information for the extended family and friends of the adoptive parents.  That is when I found IN ON IT: WHAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ADOPTION – A GUIDE FOR RELATIVES AND FRIENDS by Elisabeth O’Toole.

I promptly ordered my own copy of this book. It proved to be an excellent source of inspiration, education and insight for those that are part of the adoptive family but outside of the adoption triad of birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee.  I found myself looking at certain chapters over again to understand the patience, excitement and stress of my loved ones and in the process I learned appropriate language, appropriate topics of conversation with them and appropriate ways to address comments that were directed at me.

The humor and honesty of Elisabeth O’Toole has equipped me to be honest in educating others when I am told “how lucky” our grandchild is – or when I am asked “where did he come from?” or “what happened to his real mother”.

Really? Why do people lose their filter when being told that someone is adopting? IN ON IT helped me to understand that I was not alone in navigating these choppy waters – losing a filter is pretty normal and we are all IN ON IT enough to educate others.

I see this book as a ‘must read’ for everyone seeking to understand the adoption story and their role in the adoption circle.

We have had the joy of welcoming grandchildren into our lives – biologically and through careful adoption planning.  In our eyes, they are all our grandchildren. They are loving cousins to each other, and they all are the start of a new generation in our extended family.

We are blessed.

Why We Chose to Work With AOW: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

Deciding to adopt a child is a very personal decision to make.  Every family has their own reasons or circumstances that lead to adoption, for us it was secondary infertility.

Once our decision to adopt was made, we began our journey to find an adoption agency.  As most people do, we started our search online.  The moment you enter any search about ‘adopting a baby’ the national agencies appear on the top of the list.  We quickly learned there are both local and national agencies out there and we learned we had a ton more research to do.  After looking at several websites and doing lots of reading, we decided on two local agencies and one national agency to consult with.

Our first meeting was with Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW), who is also ultimately who we choose to work with.  The tone of the meeting was exactly as the website stated.  This agency is about honoring the birth parents right to choose us.  We were informed that the journey is long and could take years before the right match and placement would occur.  We were provided much information on how AOW social workers work with mothers to ensure an adoption plan is what is best for them and the child, with the focus always remaining on the child.  There were no promises provided to us aside from the promise to have open and honest communication throughout the journey.  We were provided a list of costs associated with the agency and lots of reading materials about how a home study works, writing a family profile, adoption education and a copy of the application form that would not be required until there was an opening on the waiting list.

The next consultation was a two hour phone call with a national agency.  Prior to taking our call we were required to complete a seven page application that asked us about everything from our personal appearance to all the assets we own.  We were required to email them this completed form along with a picture of our family before they would schedule our call.

During the phone call we were made several promises.  A good-looking family like us could have a baby of our choosing in three months.  They bragged about how they come up first on all the web searches related to adoption because they pay big money to ensure they always appear to birthmothers first.  When a pregnant woman contacts them they ‘find’ a local social worker who will meet with the birthmother and then contract with the social worker to assist in the placement of the child.  If the birthmother starts to get cold feet they had a new weapon in their arsenal, a woman who placed her child for adoption years ago who will call the birthmother and talk them back into the adoption plan.  They found that she was 97% effective in ensuring placements.  They then mailed us a shiny brochure on how to contact a local professional photographer to get the best shots of our family and a DVD on how to make the best video to plead for a child.  The icing on the cake is when they gave us their prices.  They wanted $16,800 upfront to spend on marketing!  This money would not be used on legal fees or expenses for the mother, those were an additional cost.  This was simply how they would guarantee a fast placement through marketing.  We were even given advice on how to take out a 2nd mortgage or apply for tax credits to pay for everything.

After this call my head was spinning for days.  Of course the lure of a quick placement was attractive to a family who was unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for a number of years.  We just couldn’t get past how wrong the entire approach felt.  Adopting a baby is not about speed of placement, it is about making a lifelong commitment to a child and their birth family.  This is a journey not a sprint.  My heart was breaking for all the mothers out there who were being lured into the promises I can only imagine being made to them that I was sure would somehow be broken.  How can you promise an open adoption with annual visits to a woman on the other side of the country?  I know that is a false promise I could never make but wondered how many people would.

For our family, the decision became crystal clear.  We needed to work with an agency that had the best interest of all parties in mind.  This process was not all about us, it was only partially about our family and how it would change and grow through the miracle of adoption.  It was about opening our lives to not only the baby but the birth parents if that was their choice as well.  It is about keeping the promises we make and ensuring we had an agency that could support us no matter what those promises look like.  It is about the long term benefits of our family, this new baby, and the glorious mother who would place the child in our arms.

We believe that is only possible by using a local agency that is dedicated to the care and well-being of the birthmother and honoring her choice of us to parent her child.  We also know that the journey doesn’t end with placement; it is a lifetime commitment we are all making together.  It is about the mother, the child, our family and the lifelong support of the agency that brought us together.

A birth parent asks, "How do I manage the grief associated with making an adoption plan?"

The adoption process is one that intrinsically involves grief and loss.  When birth parents decide to relinquish their newborn for adoption, they will often go through a grief process not unlike what a person experiences when a loved one passes. The grief stages are the same (denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance); birth parents do not move through them in any nice neat order or set period of time, nor should they be expected to. Grief associated with making an adoption plan is complicated for birth parents because of the ambiguous nature of the loss.

An example of how the grief process can get complicated is that feelings such as numbness, confusion and denial may cause a birth mother to fail to recall significant details such as the date and time of the birth and her child’s birth weight.  The inability to recall such details can complicate the normal grieving process by causing guilt and feelings of shame for not being able to remember specific details.

When numbness and denial subside, often birth mothers experience an eruption of feelings such as anger, sadness, shame and guilt.  Opportunities to express these feelings in a natural and supported way are important for validating the loss and coping with the grief associated with an adoptive placement.  For birth mothers who have kept their pregnancy and adoption plan secret, the secrecy, shame and lack of public acknowledgment means that opportunities to release these difficult feelings don’t exist.  When natural means of releasing these feelings are not available, the feelings often get stifled, ignored or are manifested in unhealthy ways.

It is helpful if there is a friend, family member or counselor with whom a birth mother can share her feelings, pregnancy and adoption plan.  This person’s role is to listen, validate her grief and loss and allow for healthy ways to express difficult feelings.  This support person can also be present at the birth to record important details which she may want to remember at a later date.  It can also be helpful to journal any memories of the birth and hospital stay as soon as possible before those memories fade.  Mementos such as foot prints, crib cards and pictures can also be very helpful in having something tangible to hold onto during especially difficult times.

Giving birth to a baby and placing the baby with adoptive parents are very significant life events.  During times of grief, it is helpful to remember the time prior to the loss and the person for whom one is grieving.  Being able to call to mind details, read journal entries or hold onto mementos are helpful ways of validating the significance of the loss and can lead to positive management of the grief process.  Our compassionate adoption social workers are trained to help birth parents move through the grief process in a healthy way. We understand the special circumstances surrounding birth parent grief and are here to be a support person to birth parents (and their families) in an effort to help eliminate any barriers to healthy grieving.