Throwback Thursday: Waiting Family Group

On Thursday, November 9th 2017, Adoptions of Wisconsin held a Waiting Family Group for the families in our program. In the past, AOW has offered similar groups for open discussion, support and building connections in the adoption world. After inquires and encouragement from families in the program, we planned and offered this successful group!

The theme for our first waiting family group was "What to Do When Waiting Gets Tough". We invited Joanna Ivey, owner of Our Chosen Child, author of The Essential Guide to Adoption Outreach, adoptive parent and friend to AOW, to come speak at the meeting. She shared her personal adoption story, offered suggestions for increasing outreach efforts and gave tips for beating the waiting game. Joanna has a significant amount of experience with helping adoptive parents create successful profile booklets and manage their social media/outreach efforts. One of the main takeaways from Joanna's advice seemed to revolve around keeping yourself busy, especially after you've completed the home study and have become a family in the active program.

We also invited two families who have adopted through AOW recently to share their stories of how they coped with the wait and process. The open discussion format of the group prompted questions, laughs and even tears of joy. Both families had completely different stories, and it was encouraging to see that adoption can work in several ways, even if the path is not always free of twists and turns.

We are planning to offer quarterly waiting family groups with new topics for each group. The next, planned for February, is going to focus on transracial adoption. We are excited for our families to connect with staff and with each other! Thank you to everyone who attended and made our group a success.

An Adoptive Mom's Reflection: Contested TPR

An AOW adoptive mom wrote up an inspiring blog post about her real-life experience with a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) hearing. We thank her for her open heart, kindness and willingness to share with others.

"What does it mean to have a contested Termination of Parental Rights (TPR)?  This is a rare situation, but it can happen and every family that chooses adoption should know that it is a possibility.  In a brief way, it means that one of the birth parents are fighting for custody or their parental rights.  It is a hard, hard thing to go through… so, let me tell you briefly about our story, what it felt like, and how grateful we are for our sweet girl.

When you first bring your child home, whether from the hospital or from a different setting, your only thought is about how much you already love the child.  You don’t think about the things that could go wrong with the adoption process, you don’t spend time looking up Wisconsin state adoption laws, and you certainly don’t think that it will take close to a year for finalization.

We brought home our baby girl and had our first court hearing about one and a half months later.  This was supposed to be a brief court hearing and it turned out to be our 2nd worst fear.  The birth father showed up to court to contest his rights.  He has the right to do this, it was just totally unexpected.  Getting the phone call from the attorney to tell us this was nothing but a blur.  Did I understand her right? Did she hear me sobbing like crazy on the other side of the phone?  Did she hear my anger? How am I going to call my husband and tell him this at work?  All of these thoughts and so many more were racing through my head while comprehending NOTHING that she was saying.

Through our own drive to learn, we started to do our own research.  We wanted to know the laws, what the process was from here, and try to understand the terms that are used in conversation.  Throughout a few more court dates, it was determined that our case was going to a jury trial.  Holy crap, right?  Since when was this possible.  Well, it is.  Throughout infertility, it is difficult to not ask yourself ‘Why us?’… well, here we were again saying ‘why us?!’  To make a long story short, there are several steps to a contested TPR.  Thankfully, we had an attorney and social worker that led us through the entire process.  Do not ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask them questions.  We don’t want to get into much detail about our story, but we want you to know that it all worked out!  Our sweet, smiley, adorable little girl is ours and continues to be our whole world.

How did it feel to go through a TPR? Horrible. Not good. Shocking and appalling.  There was nothing easy about it.  It consumed our daily lives, we talked about it daily between our families, and made us cherish our time with our girl even more.  It felt like time moved so slow.  It felt like our dreams were being shattered.  Not many people understand what the process is like.  We had to spend time educating our family and friends as they were trying to comprehend this process too.  But, through it all, we knew that we were going 150% through this entire process.  We were NOT stopping to fight.  We were not going to change our outlook on life.  And lastly, the financial burden that a contested TPR puts on adoptive families was not going to stop us.  We would do whatever it takes.

How did we get through a contested TPR?  Just looking at our princess was enough to make us smile many times a day, cry tears of happiness, and reiterate that our purpose in life was her.  When she went to bed was our time to chat.  We spent time together communicating, communicating, and more communicating.  Between the two of us, we talked about how we were feeling every day.  We understood that we would have different good/bad days, different emotions to every step of the way, and that any emotion was okay to have.  We leaned on our friends and family very frequently.  People are normally scared to ask questions or talk about bad things, but we encouraged our friends and family to ask any questions and that we wanted to talk about the adoption.  We would often get texts from our best friends that would say, “just checking in to see how you are doing.”  Knowing the amount of support that we had and still have is heart-warming.  The continual support from each other, our families, and our friends is what got us through this process.

Having this be our first adoption and going through a contested TPR, it is interesting to look back on the last year.  It went SUPER fast.  We still ask ‘why us?!’ but have come to reason with it.  We want others to know more about the possibility of a contested TPR than we did.  We want others to go into the process knowing that a contested TPR could happen.  We will never say that any of this was easy, it was extremely hard.  But, WE DID IT and we did it together… as a family of three!

If you find yourself in a situation of a contested TPR, our advice to you, is to lean on your family and friends.  You may have to educate them on the process, but it will be so worth it.  Find a new hobby with your new addition or do an activity together to keep busy.  You WILL get through it if you communicate, show each other love, give your new addition to the family extra hugs & kisses, and remember your purpose."

AOW Adoptive Mom, 2017

Will Our Child Have To Go Into Foster Care Before Being Adopted?

Many birth parents and adoptive parents wonder whether their child will have to go into foster care after birth and before the hearing. The good news is that foster care in this situation is no longer required. It is up to the birth parents and adoptive parents.

Adoptive families who have completed a home study and received a pre-adoptive foster care license are able to take the baby home from the hospital if the expectant birth parents feel comfortable with them doing so. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers work with expectant birth parents to create a hospital plan that outlines an expectant birth parent’s thoughts and decisions regarding her time at the hospital and her decisions regarding her baby’s care. The hospital and the adoptive family are provided a copy of the hospital plan prior to the baby’s birth. Adoptions of Wisconsin social workers are available to provide counseling and support to both birth parents and adoptive parents during this time.

"We Keep Coming Back to Wisconsin"

The majority of the waiting families that Adoptions of Wisconsin works with reside in the state of Wisconsin, but one family in our active outreach program lives in Washington D.C. Scott and Patrick have expressed high motivation and intention throughout the adoption process, and feel a very strong connection to our state. Many members of their families reside here and they are often traveling to and from their home to visit and are always cheering on the Green Bay Packers. Patrick and Scott have been a pleasure to work with as they are always timely, responsive and optimistic when communicating with us about the adoption process. Scott and Patrick have been kind enough to write up a blog post for us about why they continue to pursue adoption through our agency and we are excited to share their story.

"We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

When we first decided to adopt, our adoption attorney suggested we interview a few agencies, and choose an agency we "connected" with.  After speaking with four different agencies in a week, there was no question Adoptions of Wisconsin was our first choice.  With a large family in Wisconsin, who we visit often, we've always felt a strong connection to the state and feel aligned with the personalities and values of the people who live there.  In our initial conversations with Hollie, Claire, and Megan, we immediately felt like part of the AOW family.  They were so kind, informative, and responsive to our questions and concerns.  And that same kindness has been shown to us throughout our time with their agency.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

Shortly after we were in the "active" pool of adoptive parents with AOW, we received news of a match from another agency that put us over the moon.  We called the ladies of AOW to let them know our good news, and while on the phone, we asked several questions of them, and hung up with more knowledge, and well wishes.  We almost felt guilty to be placed via another agency.  Adoptions of Wisconsin had been our choice from the beginning, but we could not pass up this opportunity to start our family.  During the process with the other agency, Megan would check with us periodically to make sure all was going well.  We know this was out of pure goodness, and we appreciated their concern.  Ironically, we felt AOW communicated with us more during this match period, than the other agency did.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

About a month before our son was to be born, the birth took place.  The birth mother decided due to the complicated birth, she would raise the child herself.  Our hearts were broken.  We grieved...but we knew what we had to do.  We called Adoptions of Wisconsin a few days later, and spoke with Megan.  We told her what had happened, and I am not sure who felt worse, her or us.  This again goes to show you the depth of the goodness that these ladies, and Adoptions of Wisconsin has for families like us, and birth mothers in need.  We received more words of encouragement, more counseling, and more support from AOW, than we did from the other agency.

We keep coming back to Wisconsin:

After grieving the "almost" adoption, we decided to focus on what is important to us, one more time.  Our family.  Our family is in Wisconsin, therefore, to us, it makes perfect sense to adopt from this state, despite being a 14 hour car ride away, we keep coming back to Wisconsin.  Just like the team at AOW, our family gives us the support, guidance, and love we need to live our lives, and raise our family.  We will always come back to Wisconsin, and we hope that soon, we will have a son or daughter through Adoptions of Wisconsin, to give us one more great reason to keep coming back to Wisconsin."

- Patrick and Scott, AOW Waiting Family

A huge thank you to Patrick and Scott who took the time to write this thoughtful post. We are excited for them to continue their adoption journey and hope that they are visiting often with the holidays quickly approaching!

An Interview With Birth Parents

Background: Jessica is 5 months pregnant and due in January. She and Michael are making this adoption plan together. They are already parenting two small children and decided that they can’t afford to take care of any more children. They are matched. Adoptions of Wisconsin's Claire Schulz Bergman sat down with Jessica and Michael to interview them about the adoption process.

Q: What surprised you about the adoption process so far?

A (Jessica): The process was easier than I thought. I expected a lot of paperwork and to have to meet a lot of people. All I wanted was a loving couple for my baby. I wanted a family without kids who was financially stable and had steady jobs. I looked through the profiles that you gave me and decided to meet two couples. Both were great, we just connected with one more than the other.

(Michael): I felt “relief” when we matched because we didn’t have to worry anymore. We didn’t have to worry that we wouldn’t find anybody and end up having to care for a child we couldn’t afford. We wanted people who were honest and genuine to take care of our baby and we really think we’ve found them.

Q: Why did you feel more connected to the couple you chose?

A (Michael): They were more “like us.” They were really easy to talk to and made us feel at ease.

Q: You have spent some time with and communicated with the couple you chose since you initially met them. What has it been like for you to have contact via phone/text and spend time together with them?

A (Jessica): This really helped us because it feels like they are who they say they are. We feel like we can trust them and share in their excitement of becoming new parents. We went to a park with them to introduce our other kids to them and it was great watching them interact with our kids. They jumped right in and started playing with them. It showed us what they’d be like with this baby (that they are going to adopt). We want to have visits in the future because we want our kids to know this baby and getting together with them was a glimpse of what it would be like in the future when we get together for a play date.

We also went to the ultrasound together and found out what the sex of the baby is. It was really fun watching them see the baby for the first time. This is their first baby and they’ve never been through an ultrasound before.

We text frequently and I am able to ease my worries by telling them what I would do if I was going to care for him (like, buying footed pjs, recommending formula that worked for my other kids, etc.). It helps me feel like I can also prepare for his arrival and get excited with them.

Q: Are you starting to feel attached to your baby?

A (Jessica): Yes. How could I not be attached, he’s growing inside me! I love him and am doing adoption because I know I can’t provide for him and they can. I know he will be taken care of and getting to know them [the APs] better helps me really know this.

(Michael): I’m getting more attached than I probably should be. But, I know that doing adoption will be better for our other kids, too, and open adoption will allow our other kids to know this one.

Q: Do you have any fears about the adoption process?

A (Jessica): The usual parent worries, I just want to make sure that the APs are prepared.

Q: What advice would you give to others considering placing their child for adoption?

A (Jessica): Think of the baby. Meet as many families as you need to so that you can find the best one. Have enough time so that you can build a relationship with the adoptive parents before your baby is born. Have a few questions that you know you want the answer to at the first meeting, but don’t be overly structured about it.

(Michael): Have an open heart and an open mind. Keep the baby’s best interest first. Be honest with yourself, what is best for the child?

Q: Anything else you’d like to add?

A (Jessica): The APs have become an extension of our family. Since we’re getting to know them, they aren’t just people who are going to take care of our baby, they are like extended family members. This is what we wanted and I really believe that this is how it’s going to be.

(later Jessica texted this to me): I was thinking back on our first meeting with you and you made it really easy and pleasant. When I first made the call to the agency and was going to meet with you, I was kind of nervous that you would be someone like a case worker… up tight and straight corners… but you weren’t. Meeting you and having someone like you for this process has made it a lot easier in this whole thing.

*Not their real names

Funding Your Adoption: Baby K Bake Sale

Funding any long-term endeavor, whether it be completing your education, buying a home or pursuing adoption, often requires more money than can seem feasible. A common hesitation for prospective adoptive parents is the big dollar amount that is looming over the decision to pursue adoption. This leaves many families feeling frustrated or even giving up on their dreams of growing their family through adoption. Although there are hurdles to overcome, there are ways to fund your adoption journey outside of your income alone.

Kelly and Neil, a waiting family on AOW’s inactive list, have been getting creative with their funding ideas for “Baby K’s” adoption. Not only have they been doing extensive research about possible grants and fundraising options, but they have gotten creative with simple ideas that they could do. Kelly and Neil then reached out to family members to let them know about their adoption plan, and their support has been overwhelming! Kelly’s extended family in Tennessee immediately thought of having a bake sale to support Baby K. Take a look at some photos of the busy work days and the finished product. The story below is written in Kelly’s own words about her experience with funding her adoption journey.

Kelly and Neil with family busy decorating deserts

“Adoption has always been in our hearts. However, the expense of adoption was something that seemed overwhelming. I am a planner, so I had a plan for how we would make our family of four, which included adopting a child in our late thirties (when my husband had completed graduate school, which would give us two incomes, and life would be perfect). However, as we grew older and began to experience fertility problems I began to worry we might never be able to grow our family or we might have to wait another 10 years. It was then I decided we could do anything we put our minds to and we could find a way to pay for adoption and grow our family. I realized then that there was probably never going to be a time in the near future where we had an extra $30,000 laying around. Like any large, overly ambitious project I have talked my husband into tackling (such as quitting my full-time job and going back to graduate school, while remodeling our 100-year old home) I could put together a plan to grow our family through adoption. After meeting with a few agencies and discussing their practices, we decided that Adoptions of Wisconsin (AOW) was the best fit for us. While the adoption fees were still a bit overwhelming they were broken down and spread out over a period of time, which seemed more manageable. I then put together a spreadsheet, including a budget and savings plan to our adoption fund.

As we started the adoption fund I began to look to see how others had funded adoption. I began reading blogs and looking on Pinterest for adoption grants and fundraising ideas. I started to share with family our plan of adopting and our potential plans for fundraising. Once on the inactive list we made an adoption announcement via email and social media to let our family and friends know of our upcoming plans! We were overwhelmed with the love and support we received from our family and friends. Not only were they so excited for us, but they wanted to know how they could help make our dream come true. We started a crowdfund with 501c3, where people could make a tax-deductible donation that could be directly applied to our adoption fees. We also had family and friends offering to host garage sales and bake sales to raise funds for Baby K. My aunt and cousin that live in Tennessee were avid bakers and had done many bake sale fundraisers. They began to make themed treats weekly, post pictures on social media and sell them at work. Friends and family in Wisconsin instantly started drooling over these baked goods and asking if they would ship. Because the baked goods were not commercial, shipping was not an option. However, my creative cousin came up with an idea to bring the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin for one weekend. We’re not sure they knew what they were getting themselves into. Neil created a “pre-order” form and my cousin created Disney-themed cupcake samplers and a variety of cookie options. Soon after the order form went live, we had nearly 500 orders for cupcakes and cookies. One week later we had over 950 cupcake orders and over 350 cookie orders. My aunt and cousin packed up their truck and brought the Baby K Bake Sale to Wisconsin. They had pre-made and frozen many of the cupcakes, and then set up “shop” at her other cousin’s home for the weekend with banquet tables full of cupcakes to be individually decorated. My cousin spent three days decorating cupcakes on nearly no sleep. At the end of the weekend the task was complete! We spent two days afterward hand delivering cupcakes and cookies to family and friends throughout Southern Wisconsin and Northern Illinois. The “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” ended up raising a net of over $1,000. As my cousin and aunt packed up the truck to head back to Tennessee, they began discussing the next “Baby K Bake Sale- Wisconsin Edition” and winter-themed cupcakes and cookies!”

A big thank you to Kelly and Neil for taking the time to write this blog post about funding your adoption. Also, we are excited to see where your adoption journey goes and can’t wait to see the winter-themed bake sale!

Disney-themed cupcakes

Disney-themed cupcakes

Some of the finished product!

The cupcakes look almost too pretty to eat!

How to Talk to Your Young Child About Adoption

How to Talk to Your 6 to 8 Year Old Child About Adoption

At  this age,  your child is starting or continuing school. Their classmates, friends, and teachers are beginning to have an impact on their worldview and their opinion of themselves. Children at this age are also becoming more self-aware and realize that they are a person separate from their parents. Because of this, they will begin to question where they fit into the world.

Your child has probably always known that he was adopted, but now others may also be pointing it out to him and asking about adoption. Your child is also realizing that, while she was adopted, most of her classmates were not. Your child’s classmates are becoming more curious about the people around them, just like your child is. They may ask your child blunt questions about themselves and their family. Your child should be encouraged to engage only as she feels comfortable. You can help her to have the language to answer her friends’ (or their parents’) questions.

Your child’s understanding of why his birthparents were unable to raise him is an important developmental milestone at this age. It is important that your child does not associate being adopted by their parents with being rejected by their birthparents. When your child  has questions, you can reassure him that he has not been rejected and  that you will always be there to him.

Let’s look at one of the more common things that adopted children talk about at this age. What if your child says that they must have been a bad baby, and that’s why their birth mother decided to place them for adoption? Instead of the knee jerk response of “no, you were a great baby” you can help correct misconceptions. Let your child know that her birth mother didn’t place her for adoption because of anything the child did. Help your child to understand that no one decides to place a baby for adoption because of anything the baby did. People place children for adoption because they know that all babies need to be cared for, even if a birth mother isn’t able to provide that care for them. Birth parents place children for adoption because they love them.

Your child is getting smarter and more aware every day. Especially at this age, children will notice how you react to things that strangers and acquaintances say about adoption. Figure out a few polite, humorous responses to some of the more ridiculous comments that people will make , so that your child can see you helping to educate others about adoption. For example, if someone asks whether a child is your “real” child, you can response that “Of course, all my children are real.” Or, a well-meaning person may tell you that your child is “so lucky to have you.” You can also point out that you are lucky to have them and fortunate to be a family. Humor can be a powerful tool for managing social situations and presenting a good example to your child. When you talk with your child about this, you help to set them up for a confident, strong path in the future!

The Modern Family Effect: Adoption in the Media

The television show Modern Family has helped to continue a paradigm shift about the portrayal of adoption in the media. Historically, adoption was not always portrayed accurately in television. We could call this “The Modern Family Effect.” But from Ernie’s adoption in “My Three Sons” to “Glee” and “Arrested Development,” television has been helping us move to a normal, realistic appreciation for adoption as part of life.

It used to be a common device for siblings on sit-coms to tell each other that they were adopted. This was played as a negative, and would result in hijinks centered on the idea that an adopted sibling didn’t belong. This was a harmful theme.

The portrayal of adoption in the media has become much more accurate. If a current-day television show were to use the trope of an adopted sibling being played as “not a real family member” it would be panned as hurtful, wrong, and offensive by reviewers. The media can now play a significant role in changing hurtful myths and stereotypes about adoption, and reverse some of the damage that it has done.

It’s tempting to blame the media for their mischaracterization of adoption in the past. However, television tends to reflect the collective views of society. Fortunately, we can appreciate the positive changes in both society and the media.

Instead of portraying families created through adoption as “unusual” or “not real” we need to, and have begun to, show the reality of love, thoughtfulness and “normalness” that is adoption. The Modern Family Effect bodes well for this change. Sit-coms have always been on the leading edge of how our changing society is portrayed on television, so an accurate and caring portrayal of adoption is a great indicator that adoption will be more fairly and accurately shown in the future.

How to Choose Adoption for Your Baby

The first step toward choosing adoption is realizing that you’re not going to give up your baby, or be “giving up” anything. You’re making a parenting decision for the child you’re carrying. Many birth parents believe that if they decide that adoption is the best choice for their child, they will never be able to see their child again. This can cause undue amounts of stress and indecision for a mother, neither of which she deserves.

Open adoption is a type of adoption in which the birth mother and the adoptive parents agree to varying degrees of contact and exchanges of information. Depending on the circumstances of an adoption, the level of contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family could range from letters and photos facilitated by AOW, to visits between the child, adoptive family and birth mother.

In 2012, the Washington Times released a report stating that 95% of infant adoptions in the United States now have some level of openness between the birth parents and the adoptive families. This means that in the vast majority of infant adoptions, the decision to go forward with an adoption isn’t the last decision that a birth mother makes. It is a selfless and thoughtful choice, made solely with the welfare and development of the child in mind.

If adoptive families and birth parents live close enough to each other, it is not uncommon for the adoptive families to accompany birth parents to prenatal appointments and try to be as present as they can during the pregnancy. The adoptive families have nothing but the best interests of the child at heart, which they share with the child’s birth parents. Bonding over their shared love for the unborn child often leads to a close and deep connection between adoptive and birth families, which can lead to a comfortable future relationship.

Adoption doesn't mean that you give your baby up. If you choose adoption, it is because you believe adoption is the best path for your child given the current circumstances. Choosing adoption, if it is right for you and your child, is a selfless parenting decision.

Beating the Adoption Waiting Game

Relaxing up north

It is never an easy time for adoptive parents while waiting to be chosen by a birth parent. It can seem more manageable when you are busy completing education requirements, creating your profile or finishing the home study - at least then it feels like you're doing something! There is often a period of time between becoming home study approved, moving into the active program and becoming matched with a birth parent. The wait time is often uneventful and frustrating, but it is something that all adoptive parents go through and can identify with.

The key to keeping positive thoughts flowing about your adoption plan is to keep yourselves busy! One of our waiting families, Michelle and Jamie, are doing just that by getting outside and enjoying the summer sunshine.

Michelle and Jamie love visiting up north with family and friends at their cabin. The family of three takes a trip up north at least once a summer. They love swimming in the lake, going fishing and playing games together. This summer they are lucky enough to be traveling there twice; once with their friends and neighbors and once with their siblings and families. They also enjoy warm bonfires at night-which we hope includes roasting some delicious s'mores! Michelle and Jamie would love to bring another child with them on their next summer trip.

Although the waiting period is hard for adoptive families, there are ways to make it go a little faster. It is important to remember why you started this journey and to imagine where it will take you. Our agency is here to guide and provide assistance to adoptive parents during these stressful moments.

Family celebration!

Father's Day celebration at the Union in Madison

Fishing with Mom and Braden

Mini golfing "dangers"!

Jamie participates in Thursday evening fishing league