Advice to Future Adoptive Parents
/By Samantha M.
My name is Samantha and I was AOW’s first ever adoptee. In honor of their 25th year anniversary, I wanted to share some firsthand advice for future adoptive parents.
As an adoptee, my biggest piece of advice is to remember that adoption is not just about giving a child a home and family - it's about honoring their entire story, including the parts that exist outside of and before you. Be open and willing to talk about the complicated emotions that come with growing up adopted. Always give your adoptee the safe space to feel whatever they may feel without making them responsible for protecting your feelings and emotions - something I wish I would've been better about when I was growing up.
It's hard enough growing up adopted. You're fed a false narrative that you are supposed to be happy and grateful all the time, all while feeling the feelings of “why wasn't I good enough?” “Why didn't they want me?” I found myself putting my adoptive parents' feelings above my own, even when I was hurting or struggling with questions about my identity and where I came from. I learned to hold back my feelings because I was afraid that being honest might make them feel rejected, unappreciated, or like they had somehow failed me. Instead of expressing my confusion, sadness, or longing, it was easy for me to end up reassuring everybody that I was grateful and loved them.
Over time, I realized that constantly protecting everyone's emotions meant I wasn't giving myself permission to acknowledge my own. Being adopted involves love and gratitude while still carrying those complicated feelings, and I wish I had understood sooner that expressing those feelings did not make me ungrateful or disloyal - it simply made me human. Loving and being grateful for your adoptive family can and will coexist alongside painful feelings of adoption. Give your adoptee permission to talk about their birth family, their identity, and their experiences without fear of hurting you.
Common adoptee experiences (from an adoptee):
● A sense of abandonment - separation from the birth family leaves a wound that says “Why wasn't I enough to be kept?”
● Grief - Mourning a life we never got to know
● Identity Issues - Wondering where parts of ourselves came from
● A need to belong - Wanting to look at someone and recognize yourself
● Anger and Guilt - Feeling angry about the circumstances we didn't choose, then feeling guilty for being angry
● The pain of the unanswered questions - Who was I before my adoption?
● The complicated relationship with gratitude - Always being told we were “chosen” or “lucky” makes it difficult to talk honestly about the parts of adoption that hurt us.
Every adoptee has a story that began before the day we joined our adoptive families. Understanding our roots and where we came from - our birth families, culture, medical history, and the circumstances around our adoptions are a crucial part of understanding who we are.
As adoptive parents, I'm sure it can be tempting to focus on the life you are building with your child, but our stories don't begin with you. Our roots matter too. Make our stories something we are allowed to know - not something whispered about, hidden, or revealed in small pieces. Tell us what you know, and when you don't know something, be honest about that too.
Our stories belong to us. And we deserve to know them.
Samantha with the judge on the day of her adoption
